It happened about 5 years ago, I was 12. But the memory was so vivid and I think about it way to much then I should. I remember his eyes, those cold eyes, and sometimes I pounder, how many people has he killed? How many children has he pushed, how many people has he dragged away to those inhumane small cell. And then i cry, I cry because well I don't know, maybe its because I really want to do something. But I cant. No one can because they've gotten into high positions, their resisting, halting any effort that hasn't yet been done. Time has been cruel to many people, the more time passes, the more they dies, the ore refugees. I was only 12. I swear I was only 12...
I was staring at the window, yet I wasn't really staring. I was exhausted, mentally and physically. For once the choking and gurgling sounds of the old ancient taxi didn't bother me, at that moment nothing seemed to matter to me anymore. I just wanted to well..not be here. They had stopped us way to many times, the same routine over and over again, get out of the car, then get in, get out, then get back in. It was very hot too, the seats were boiling, the humidity had greeted me here un expectedly, I thought it would be colder. Tears of cold sweat were sliding down my back though I wasn't sure whether it was because I was really hot or the fact I was scared.
And then...they stopped us.
But this time it was different, they were more harsh, they were more cruel.
One of them violently swung the door open. "get out" he snarled.
In shock, I obeyed him and immediately stood out of the car. I was shivering, I was afraid to look at him. Did he look that scary or was I just too afraid I'm still unsure, but I kept my head down, afraid he would kill me, I don't think my life mattered to him, he had obviously taken many before, it was obvious. His soldier outfit was absolutely ugly, it made him look like a monster, an ugly monster.
I wasn't that scared though, until the other monster had came, his presence alone had brought a cold gust of wind along his arrival, as soon as I saw him my stomach had been doing back flips, there was something about him that was terrifying, it was as if I could see blood dripping down his hands. And it wasn't until he had pointed his heavy gun at me. My body froze. My blood turned into ice. My lungs were heavy. I couldn't think. My heart had stopped. I was so sure he would kill me. I didn't meet his eyes, but I could feel his cold stare looking down at me. I was suddenly very cold, and was tempted to grab my arms for warmth, but I couldn't move. this wasn't a movie, nor was it a game, there is an actual gun pointed into my head, with one flick of his finger he could pull the trigger and take my life away. No one would care. No one would do anything. There are millions of deaths ignored, why would mine be any different?
It took a while to come back to life again, slowly the beat of my heart had gotten louder, I could now feel my body shaking, to my surprise I was crying, but I was still cold, and I watched the other monster rip my suitcase open, he had carelessly thrown it at the ground in front of me, it landed with a great 'thud'. and I watched, I watched as he dug in my bag looking, looking for a bomb, a weapon, they were looking for an excuse to kill me.
I am their enemy, I was a 12 year old terrorist, I am palestinian and I am not worthy to live, it would be better for the world if I would die right at that moment. It was very hard to breathe, the air was dense, I was chocking. I was waiting for him to pull the trigger, I was waiting for him to murder me.
I didn't have to to visually see the gun retreat, I had felt it. I don't know how to explain it, but it was like the gun was a chain, and it had tighten up round my body, choking me, it had created a heavy atmosphere but the lower the gun was the more loose the chains were. Till I was finally free.
My heart sang in delight but I knew it wasn't over, I was still in danger. I could see at the back of my eye that the monster was hesitating, I couldn't hold the suspense, I turned around, and I looked at him in the eye. His deep blue eyes, were very cold. I shivered. I was trapped in his gaze. and when I saw his face, I knew, I was sure, i could clearly see, that he wanted to kill me .....very badly. I wanted to shout free palestine, I wanted to evoke him, I wanted to show him I wasn't scared, but I had failed terribly. Words couldn't escape my mouth, instead I wanted to run, I wanted to relieve my heavy chest from all the tears I had gathered. I didn't want to cry in front of him.
"Go" the monster said disgustingly, "Get out of my face"
it was like a slap in the face, I don't know why, but it hurt. It hurt so much, as if he had reached down my chest and viciously ripped my heart out. No one has ever talked to me like that, no one has ever looked at me like that.
Like a slave. My body obeyed him. I went back in the old hot car. I had almost forgotten that my family were here. I looked at my 2 year old brother, he was crying, shivering like a chiwawa, and my mom was hugging him trying to keep him calm. The taxi cried, We were moving again. We all looked at each other silently, fear had filled the air. We all turned around deep in thought, trying to ignore my brother's whimpering and the taxis' cough fit. They didn't stop us again.
I was 12, I swear I was 12. They had pointed a gun to my face. Was it for fun? Or did they actually see me as a threat. But I was 12, I swear I was 12. I was innocent. And at the age of 12 was my trip to Palestine. I was terrified. However now, I'm fearless, I'm stronger, I had gotten used to their disgusted faces, I had gotten used to their cruelty, I had gotten used to their weapons. Because I'm not 12. I'm not 12 anymore.
Note: 100% true story. This is about My first experience to when i first visited palestine, and yes I've visited it again after that.
