It is pretty short but HEY, it IS a short story after all.
Looking up the aisle, imagining how beautiful she will be just makes the smile on my face even bigger and even brighter. Being in love has its ups and downs but when you’re here, everything just fits, you put everything behind you as you start your new lives together.
It’s so stuffy in here, it’s like I can’t breathe, like my lungs won’t function correctly. I look around at all the smiling faces, trying to smile back, trying to push my feelings away. I do love him, or, I did love him. I don’t know how I feel anymore. I can’t figure it out. It’s all gotten too much, he’s too much. I roll down the window and swallow a gulp of fresh air, trying to soothe my nerves and figure things out in my head. On one hand, I should, it’s all taken so long to prepare - the venue, the dress, the cake, the flowers, the reception. Then again - I shouldn’t, I don’t want to hurt him in the future also, ever since he proposed, he changed, he started asking about my social life more than usual - more than what’s normal. I guess he’s in love but is there such a thing as too much love?
This has to be the happiest day of my life, after all this waiting, she’ll finally be mine. If I had to describe it it’d be like the first day I met her, the moment I knew I loved her.
My father is on my right, my maid of honour on my left. I’m trapped. It’s like I’m in a coffin, stuck for all eternity, unable to get out.
I never want this feeling to end, I want to remember it for as long as possible, but if I do forget then I know I’ll feel it again. It’s her, it’s how she makes me feel. The moment I saw her, I knew it was meant to be, it took a bit to get her but she’s finally going to be mine.
They beam at me and tell me how happy I should be. I don’t feel happy. I feel like a scared little kid that’s lost their mum in the supermarket, not sure which way to go. We’re almost there and I still have no clue what I'm going to do. I start to tremble as I get out the car. The church is huge and holds over one hundred people. One hundred people watching me. Watching me make the decision that will shape the rest of my life. I will either lose him all together or be stuck with him forever. Which one? Lose my first proper love or stick with a guy that loves me too much? I don’t know.
There’s over one hundred people here, crowds usually scare me, but not today. There could be one thousand people here, a million even and it wouldn’t change how I’m acting or feeling. People start to stand, she’s finally here, my bride has arrived.
My father takes my hand and squeezes it tightly as we walk down to the top of the aisle. Music starts playing. People stand. People smile. He looks at me. I look at him. I can’t do this. My father tugs on my hand and I make my way down to my too real and too soon future.
Music starts playing in my ears. I hear the gasps from behind me and I can’t help it, I have to look at her. She is beautiful, like a goddess, too precious to be walking towards me. I turn back and wait for her to stand next to me, for her to embark on our new life together.
I’m standing here. All eyes on me. Watching my every mistake. My hands are in tight fists hidden by my long sleeves. My jaw’s clenched, my eyes are watering. They’ll all I’m think I’m crying out of happiness when I’m really crying out of dread. I can see him in the corner my eye - smiling. Smiling like a goofy little kid on Christmas morning. I’m break his heart. Tear it in two. Rip it out with my bare hands. The smile will be gone, wiped off like chalk on a chalk board, only the memory remaining.
She’s standing next to me, she’s so happy that she’s crying. I’m smiling, not like before. I’m smiling like all best moments of my life have been brought together then multiplied by ten. A smile that will last, as long as she is with me.
He starts to speak, to utter those two life changing words. No. No, I can’t. It’s too much for me. I’ve made up my mind. I’m not going to pretend, only to hurt him in the long run, or be suffocated by his love. He’s young; he’ll fall in love again.
I start to say my vows, getting closer and closer to those two words that I’ve been waiting all my life to say. It’s all I want: to say them, then kiss her. For her to be mine. I don’t think I’ll ever love anyone more than I love her.
Just as he says ‘I do', I blurt out ‘I can’t’.
For a second I’m confused. They’re the wrong words. She said the wrong words. It’s all a big mistake. She’s joking. She’s messing with me. She has to be. I love her and she loves me, or so I thought. The gasps from behind me deafen me. I look over at her, tears threatening to roll down my cheeks, begging her not to leave me. She looks down at the ground in guilt. She’s confirmed what I thought would never happen. She’s left me.
*****
Without her life isn’t fun anymore. It’s a blur. I just keep living for no reason at all, like I’m stuck on an endless walkway taking me to nowhere. I miss her. I miss her with all my heart. The part of me I loved has gone, replaced by a shell of what I used to be.
It’s like a weight has been lifted, I don’t need to pretend anymore, I’m away from his overwhelming love. He’ll heal, in time. Me? I don’t need to heal, I’m happy. I’m no longer confused about my feelings, it’s like they’re all laid out in front of me. Plain and simple. The feelings of guilt are gone, replaced by the feeling of freedom, being able to go and enjoy life for what it is instead of being tied down to one person.
I’m hollow. Nothing on the inside, only vital organs. No emotions or feeling. I’m numb. It doesn’t hurt like it used to, no longer do I fall asleep with tears in my eyes. No. This pain is worse. The pain of knowing I won’t ever be able to love anyone again because of her. The pain of knowing I can’t trust anyone I know because of her. The sadness, anger, love...all gone. Gone from my body. Only the memory remaining.
