God's (non-existing) Mistake

Single Chapter

After the sea had calmed, the boat remained silent, except for Simon's exasperated and desperate sobs. The others, touched by his demonstration of faith and the pain he was feeling so deeply, felt their own tears mixing with the droplets of the rain water still lingering on their skin.

They all remained still, until Simon's sobs had ceased, and the noises he made were gentle and quiet hiccups. Jesus still held him tight, as he repeated the same words again and again: "Don't let me go... please don't let me go...", like a wounded animal seeking mercy from a stranger, who could heal its wounds, and nurse it back to health.

Only after Simon was quiet, truly quiet, that Jesus rose His head towards the apostles and spoke.

"Let us reach Capernaum."

Silently, they went back to their posts, Zee taking over Simon's paddle and beginning their journey back to the other ends of the sea. The calm waters made it much easier for the boat to move towards the correct direction, the lack of rain and clouds making the day look brighter than ever before. Or maybe it was their warm hearts, and how they bled for Simon's pain.

Eventually, Simon moved away from Jesus, wiping his tears with his hands and breathing in deeply, trying to recompose himself somehow. The full trip would still take some time, and during said time they would be alone, and Simon would be exposed, something he did not like to be.

There was a reason he did not tell the others about his rage, about his anguish and his suffering. But now, it was all out... he could not hide it anymore, but he could at least try to make it seem like he was stronger than he was a few moments ago.

Jesus moved away from him once he let go, and soon He was taking a paddle, while Andrew sat next to his brother, taking his hand, squeezing it tight. Although Simon's eyes did not leave his own feet, he had to bite his lips so as not to begin crying again.

"Simon... What happened?" Andrew whispered, as if that would make anything better. Their surroundings were so silent that all the others could easily hear their conversation, no matter how quietly they spoke. Knowing this, Simon let out a quiet wet chuckle, wiping his face one more time for good measure.

What was the point in hiding it, after the scene he had just performed in front of all of them?

"Before we left two by two, Eden and I conceived a child" he said, not whispering, so that all the others' questions were heard. "During our travels, she... lost the baby, and almost died..." he choked again, too emotional and shaken by the recent happenings to hold it back. Andrew's hand squeezed his own, pulling him closer, while another unknown hand touched his left shoulder. Simon swallowed deeply, cleaned his throat and breathed hard, trying to regain his composure. "The doctors said the damage was so great... she might never conceive again..."

That part did not hurt as much as imagining Eden suffering, alone, while her baby died in her arms and she was too sick to leave the house by herself. It did not hurt as much as imagining her isolating herself for seven days, after performing the cleansing ritual alone. He should have been there for her. He should have been holding her hand, carrying her to the doctors, kissing her head and comforting her.

He suddenly felt a hand on his arm and soon, he was pulled closer to Andrew, his head was being cradled and his body hugged tightly by his younger brother.

"And why did you not tell me that the moment you knew?" Andrew asked, his voice soft but with that note of anxiety that was always in him. It was almost comforting, in a way, like his heart knew it was him.

"You were gone... and I wouldn't have told you regardless" Simon said honestly, and moved his head closer to his brother's chest. He was never one to request comfort, ever. Instead, he was always the one trying to comfort everyone. Today though, he felt weak, and lame. Andrew sighed, and brushed his fingers through Simon's wet hair.