Fools ; Eternal Summer

part five

"Cate...honey, wake up." I heard faintly as I felt myself be shaken. I opened my eyes and saw I was still at the dining table.
"What time is it?" I said with a still half-sleeping voice.
"It's 8. Did you sleep out here?" Mom asked as she filled my coffee cup back up then sat down next to me, I rubbed my eyes then took a sip.
"I must've. I was napping yesterday and when I woke up I couldn't get back to sleep so I came out here. I was writing a bit on your laptop, if that's okay." I told her.
"That's alright. What were you writing about?" I sighed.
"Well, I was thinking of just writing letters to everyone in my life currently, and ones who had left this past year." I said, she nodded slowly.
"What are they for?"
"Really just to write out my feelings towards those individuals. I want to write one to you too. There's so many things I have to tell you but I just don't know how. Writing it down like this, can help me really explain what's been going on." She placed her hand on mine and gave it a squeeze.
"My daughter, whatever you think will help put your mind at ease. It's saddening to me, to feel like we don't know much about each other anymore. And it's only been a short while since you've been away but all I can do is pray for your happiness to come and support you along the way."
"Thanks Mum, I feel the same way. We'll get back to the way we were, trust me. But I have to let you know everything before we can find some sort of ground."
"I understand." She squeezed my hand once more before getting up from the table. "I have to get ready to take off for work, will you be okay here until I return?" I nodded to her and gave he a slight smile. "Okay, well I love you."
"I love you too Mum, have a great day." She smiled and blew me a kiss.
"You too sweetheart." As she walked away, I opened her laptop again and the letter to Scott was still an open tab. I began re-reading it.

'Scott,

i've kind of tried to find a real reason why i would be writing this. especially writing this to you.
i guess some sort of closure would help me, even though i know we haven't spoken in months.
i remember the first time i saw you in freshman year of university, i thought you were the most
beautiful human being and i just wanted to know so much about you. when you gave me the
time of day to do so, i felt like the only girl in the world and i loved that feeling. we were great,
for a short while. obviously we weren't together for very long, but it felt like forever to me. as
time went on, you grew distant and i didn't understand why. i decided to let it be as maybe school had gotten in the way. but when we would hangout, a piece of me just became so paranoid, like i had to watch my back every time i was with you. one night, while you slept over in my dorm, i had went on your phone. i can't remember what i went on it for, but it wasn't initially to look for something. but i ended up finding everything. i saw videos of you having sex with other girls, conversations with different girls, some you had told you loved them. you even had planned to meet with one of them that same morning before your class. i remember the feeling i got when i found those. i can still feel it as if i was there, reliving it. i was hurt and you completely destroyed me. the worst part is i let you. we didn't break up for a few months after and it was the biggest mistake of my life, staying with you after that. staying with someone who i knew for sure, didn't love me. once i gained some realization, i broke things off with you. you didn't even try to get me to stay. that sent me spiraling. i spent almost an entire year in such a depressive state. i locked myself in my room for months, i didn't eat, i didn't sleep, i didn't speak to anyone. i lost 45 pounds within those couple of months. i was so lost and i couldn't ever forgive you for making me feel like that. but i can, because eventually i got out of bed, i continued back with university and i gained the weight back. not at all, but some, i was severely underweight, i could've died. but that's not your fault. once i got better, we went our separate ways and didn't speak again till the night of the party at the beginning of the year. the thing i'm bringing with me and probably will the rest of my life, was that you raped me. i begged sydney not to take that ride from you but i couldn't let her do it alone considering she was already black-out drunk. she was passed out in the back of your truck. you stopped on the side of the road, and you took advantage of me. you stripped me from piece by piece of my dignity. you crumbled me like a piece of paper until i was nothing but trash. a few months after, when we had ran into each other, you denied it. you denied that you deliberately took off my clothes and purposely forced yourself onto me. you were drunk, yes. i know you would say that, but that doesn't excuse the fact that you assaulted me. for a while i never told anyone. i never even went to the police this entire time but you would've deserved it if i did. each time i cry, or get upset to the point where i have a panic attack, all i can hear is your groans of the fact that you pleased yourself while i can hear my cries in the background because i. told. you. no. rethinking about that night over time has given me a question of what if i'm not the only girl that this has happened to from you? how many other girls have you abused and cheated on? and how come i was never enough for you to cut me some slack? i don't care anymore about that, i know i never was. and there's nothing to do to try and get an answer. i don't want one. this letter wasn't for blame, or for sympathy. i don't need anything from you but to vent to you, to get this out for me. i will have to live with everything you did to me within two years and i will take every inch with me and i will become strong because of it. i have let you control my life for so long. and it's time i stopped.