𝐎𝐧𝐞 𝐒𝐡𝐨𝐭𝐬, 𝐈𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞𝐬, 𝐃𝐫𝐚𝐛𝐛𝐥𝐞𝐬 and 𝐇𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐜𝐚𝐧𝐨𝐧𝐬 for 𝐌𝐚𝐟𝐢𝐚!𝐁𝐮𝐜𝐤𝐲. There is a mix of 𝐅𝐥𝐮𝐟𝐟, 𝐒𝐦𝐮𝐭 and 𝐀𝐧𝐠𝐬𝐭 in this collection. All of these stories are posted on my Tumblr and AO3 as well.
This wr...
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— Summary; Bucky answers a question you've wanted to know for a long time. — Warnings;NSFW, 18+ Only, Minors DNI, explicit content/language, implied sex, mob/mafia business, mention of violence/death/murder/weapons. — Originally posted; September 3 2022
You and your husband were lying in the messy entanglement of the sheets, catching your breaths after a long and steamy love session—taking in the blissful calm as you lay beside each other, brushing shoulders.
As you watched him out of the corner of your eyes, all relaxed and content with a happy smile, you felt guilty about the question you'd been longing to ask him. You've tried to wait for the perfect opportunity to ask, but you realised it would never be an ideal moment to do so. It would be better to just get it over with instead of pondering.
"Honey?"
"Hey, come here." He made you cling to his side, wrapping your leg around him and resting your head on his warm chest. He hugged you tight, stroking your back with a soft touch.
"I want to ask you something." You asked hesitantly while tracing patterns on his skin.
He lifted his head from the pillow and lifted your chin, making you look at him. He furrowed his eyebrows at your worrisome tone while caressing your cheek.
"What is it, honey?"
"I..." You swallowed hard, trying to free the words from your throat that seemed to be stuck. ".... I-I want to know what it feels like to kill someone?" He looked dumbfounded at your question—completely catching him off guard. "What goes through your head while you do it? Is it as easy as breathing to pull that trigger and take someone's life?"
It was obviously no surprise who Bucky was or what he did. It's not like it was a dirty secret that he kept from you in what world he lived in, what world you lived in as well. You'd seen it; you'd experienced it. You'd been through a lot with him, and you loved and married him despite it all.
You've seen him hurt people. He's given orders to have someone kill while you were with him. But he's never killed someone in front of you. He would never put such an awful burden on you, for you to carry that sight with you.
"Shit, baby." He ran his hand through his short hair. "I don't know what to tell you. I-I don't think I can."
"Please, James. I want to know. I want to understand. I won't judge you. You know that." Now you were the one caressing his cheek.
"O-ok."
He inhaled and exhaled deep and long as he averted his eyes back to the ceiling, not daring to look at you while he spoke. Afraid you would see him as a ruthless monster with no soul or compassion.
You lay your head back on his chest again, retracing the same patterns on his skin.
"The first man I ever killed, I was scared shitless. I thought I would never recover from it. I didn't sleep for days. My mind haunted me with those last few seconds while he was still alive... and then, just as easy as exhaling, he was gone...."
He paused for a moment as he inhaled a shaky breath. He turned his head to look at you clinging to him, looking for any signs that you were ready to run and scream. But you didn't. You stayed right there, hugging him closer.
He returned his gaze to the ceiling as he continued.
"After a while, it just feels normal. Like it's just another regular day." He chuckled. "It sounds fucked up, I know, but that's the whole and honest trust. And just the power you feel when taking someone's life that's hurt and terrorised someone you care about, someone you love. Taking someone's life that's betrayed and fucked you over releases some of that anger and hurt the minute you pull that trigger."
"I don't judge you, James. I hope you know that. Even if I sometimes may not always agree with how you deal with business, I still support you because I know you always make the right decisions." You turned his head towards yours. Nothing but sincerity was written on your face. "I know what I signed up for when we got married, and I've never regretted my decision ever."
For other people, this whole conversation may seem fucked up and disgusting, but this was yours and his reality—yours and his life.
He cupped your cheek and rested his forehead on yours as tears welled up in his eyes. A stray one fell down his face, and you wiped it away.
"I honestly don't know what I did to deserve such a woman like you."
"Well, you're stuck with me forever." You grinned. "When I said till death do us part, I meant it. I'm never leaving, babe."
He was relieved that you were still here and loved him. You were the only thing in his life that kept him sane, and he wouldn't know what to do without you.
"Can you hold me?" He muttered with pleading eyes.
You opened your arms and let him cling to you as he nuzzled his face in your naked chest, finding warmth and comfort there. With one hand, you stroked his back while the other massaged his scalp, lulling him to sleep.
"I love you." He mumbled against your skin.
"I love you too."
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