This Is My Life

Chapter 1 - Introduction

Hello there, if you're reading this, you already know my name. Just in case you decided not to read the description, my name is Caiden. Now, it's not the name given to me at birth... but it's the name I gave myself if i were male. It's this thing that basically all my friends do, they give them self a name or get giving a name of the opposite sex. It works for me though, since I'm bi-gender. Sometimes I feel male, and sometimes I identify with my body as female. It can get pretty confusing at times so I don't really talk about it much. On that note, i'm also bi-sexual. Attracted to both sexes, male/female. Possibly pan-sexual. Now, for those of you who don't know what that means, sorry, I'm not explaining it.

Anyways, I live in Quebec, so french has been forced on me since childhood. It's kind of strange, because if you're talking to someone and you only know a word in the opposite language, and you can't use any other word, the other person actually understands you. Just ask Joey Elias, he'll tell you. 

Now, I know you're jumping into the whole life story a little late in life since I turn 15 next month, but let me give you a short rundown of major events in my life. At first life was sweet, my family was the perfect picture family with no problems. Until my older brother who happens to be three years older that me, at four years old decided he wanted to die. He's still alive today, thank god, but he's not what anybody would call stable. He tends to blame my parents for that, especially since my dad went to prison when I was nine. Now, if you're going "Why didn't she talk about this first?" Well, I was getting there, hold your horses.

I don't really remember when I was one, I was only told this information not too long ago. What I do remember, was my perverted best friend trying to teach me all about sex while I was four years old. Too early! I am scared from those events and I'm pretty sure it turned me away from sex forever, or at least until I'm comfortable with myself and non-existent partner.

Here's where I become nine and my dad gets hauled off to prison. Everybody but two friends stopped talking to me.They are now my best friends in the entire world. Why he went to prison, abusing my brothers friends, one of them being my friend. Jack. When he completely pulled away, I was hurt, but not too hurt. He had been pulling away since grade one, and now it's grade three. I did love him though... As much as a kid can love. I'm over him now though, he's changed. Anyways, not the point, back on track.

So at that point the bullying that was happening to me got even worse. I was already being bullied for having started my period in grade three and then people had to go and bully me about my dad to. Seriously? Like, fuck off. The worst part, it was same bully that had been bullying me since grade one all because I was the new kid. Talk about a lame excuse.

Grade four. Worst. Year. Ever. I had relentless bullies even though I was the leaders only friend at the beginning of the year because she was the new kid. There were two new kids that year, the other one I'm still friends with. My school also though it was a good idea for me to get counseling. They were right, if only I would actually talk and say how I felt. Grade six everybody called me spaz, and in grade seven I started high school. Who would think that high school was the place where bullying stopped. Anyways, I joined my schools art program in the acting division. I always liked acting. I got into a work shop (in grade four) that tends to lead people to the Disney channel. It only costed $3000 that we didn't have. Oh well.

Grade eight was last year, seeing as to I'm born in July. In grade eight, everything kind of spiraled for me. Near the beginning of the year my best friend came out as transgender and asked all his friends to start using male pronouns and call him Andrew, Andy for short. Besides that everything stayed the same. Andy was Andy, Alex was Alex and everybody was themselves. But me. After October, I started getting anxiety about going to school. You see, I was in the advanced program, but I wasn't in it for grade seven so I wasn't used to how things worked. They also had knowledge that I didn't. After Christmas break, literally everything went to shit. I stopped going to school pretty much completely even though I was only 13. I went in for my mid-year exams but that was pretty much it. I went in maybe once a month to get missed work. I tried going back to school in march, It felt calmer, but then things picked up again and I felt like I was drowning. This is also the time where my depression came back. (Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that. When my dad went to prison I became depressed until grade seven. In grade seven things were looking up. until the situation that I just explained.) Worst part, it came back harder than ever. I was suicidal at ten years old, and the depression coming back just made it worse. So, the school year ended and I did all my exams and went into grade nine regular program.

Grade nine is where I'm at now, but I have two exams left and I'm done with it. Drama and History. The year isn't nearly as important as last summer though. Let me explain it to you. A bunch of stuff went down with my friend Miranda. She was kicked out of her house. So, she came to live with me. She ended up staying for two months. After that she went to live with Andy. They both became hardcore drugs addicts. Andy landed himself in the hospital twice for suicidal thoughts, but that's during the year. Anyways, August first i had a bunch of friends over. Two of them smoked weed and so did my brother, so I wanted to see what the big fuss was about. I tried it and hated it. I ended up trying it again later in the year though.

Anyways, The second time the Andy went into the hospital, it was for three weeks. Afterwards he went into rehab for his drug problem. Miranda also ended up going to the same rehab. Andy stayed for two weeks while Miranda is still in there to this day. Andy missed all his exams and now he is back into the hospital for a third time. Just went in a few days ago.

My friend Alex, over the past few weeks he's been cutting himself. He's also starting to show addict behavior by trying to use weed and alcohol as an escape.

When it comes to my friends. I feel kind of helpless. I want to help them, but they don't want it. I guess my help wouldn't be the best either since I'm just as bad as them if not worse in the depression department.

Off the depression talk, there may or may not be a romantic interest for me. I have no clue if I like him or not. And I'm not 100% sure he likes me. everything was fine between us as friends until one of my other friends went up to his and asked him if he liked me. I'm not sure he understood what she meant because of his ass burgers though. Why did she have to go and ask, it made everything super awkward for me.

Anyways, that's where my life is at now. You're all caught up on the drama of Caidens' life. There is sure to be more though. For some reason drama just likes to follow me around where ever I go.