One morning, the sun's rays gently nudged me awake, and I reached for my phone to check WhatsApp. The first message that met my half-opened eyes was from Akhil in our group: "Matthew Perry :(". I knew what this message meant; I had been anticipating it for some time. A numbness washed over me as I processed the news.
Was he a family member, a close friend, a neighbor, or a colleague? No, he was just a celebrity when viewed objectively. It could have been just another piece of news that floods social media and then fades into obscurity. So, why did it affect me so deeply? Why did my heart ache as if I had lost someone close?
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For those who knew him as Matthew Perry, the loss will be unbearable. For those who received his help, the pain is immeasurable. As a regular F.R.I.E.N.D.S fan like me, who never knew him in person but only as Chandler Bing, the pain should have subsided within an hour or two. So why am I still hurting? Why can't I bring myself to watch a single episode of F.R.I.E.N.D.S? Why do I avoid videos of his laughter? Why does the memory of the "chan-chan man" continue to haunt me?
I was late to the F.R.I.E.N.D.S show. I was in coronavirus lockdown with Praveen when I started it. Something suddenly clicked, and I was drawn into their world. I was there in their apartments as they chatted about life. I was with them in Central Perk where they sipped coffee. I was there when Ben was born, and I was there when Chandler and Monica got their twins as well. Throughout the series, I felt a sense of comfort as I lived with them in their story.
As you scroll through Instagram, you can see reels about people waiting for their Chandler/Monica. Yes, it is one of the best on-screen relationships of all time for me, but the one that caught my eye was the one Joey and Chandler shared. I always looked up to that and tried to be a good, supportive friend like Chandler to all my people. Obviously, I will always fall short because, for one, it's "on-screen," and second, the bar is set too high to reach and maintain.
At times I could totally relate to Chandler. The situations that brought out his insecurities and desperation, I could see myself on that 15.6-inch screen. That person who landed Monica made me believe that one day I might find my Monica. With respect to Joey, I have a handful of them. Chandler gave me a lot of aspirations to look forward to and brought about many realizations that were hidden beneath my smiles. So at times looking at Chandler was like looking at myself in the mirror. Sometimes it was a hard realization, and at other times, it was aspirations to become like him. Love like him, laugh like him, and moreover, make others happy by making them laugh.
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That was all about Chandler Bing. When I heard the news of Matthew Perry's demise, the mirror of life showed me something different. All those lines that Chandler used to deliver with laughter in the background came rushing back to me. "I am gonna die alone." That part haunted me a lot. That made me think, where will I be when I am 54? All those insecurities I realized while watching Matthew Perry give life to Chandler Bing came burping back to me. For all those relatable insecurities, will this be relatable in the future for me? For now, it will be unanswered. One day I hope I'll find an answer to that.
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I am not sure how I will watch F.R.I.E.N.D.S again without an ache in my heart. How I'll try to recite those lines without feeling a lingering sense of numbness afterward. He will live on as Chandler Bing till eternity. For now, let's pay a proper tribute to Matthew Perry, the man who dreamt of "There is nothing better than a world where everybody's just trying to make each other laugh." Let that be our tribute to him. Let's make each other laugh and make each other happy. I most certainly think he will be happy about that.
For one final time, you'll be remembered the way you wanted to be.
"I would like to be remembered as somebody who lived well, loved well, was a seeker and his paramount thing is that he wants to help people. That's what I want."
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