Flour

prologue

Gideon Munro. I was the 3rd born. Come out smiling mama said.  She always told me late at night after Daddy was out cold and the fire had died down that I was special because my name come from the Bible. She told me not to be scared and that the good Lord was watching over us. "Pray good'n hard for your Daddy now the devil's got a hold of 'im good". "I told her I was gonna pray for him to die". I reckon that was about the time I quit smiling.

I was 5 years old the first time I remember being hit upside the head with the metal end of Daddies belt. It was cold that night, sometime in February I believe. My 2 oldest brothers Angus and Roddy had gone off with the dog to try and kill us a possum. We were all near about starved. From what Angus had always said, "things didn't always used to be this way." My Aunt had told him when, Eugenia, my mother had met my Father William Munro Jr., "It had seemed like It was gonna be a good thing for him." She was from a good church going family and he needed someone to keep him straight.
During the war my Grandaddy Munro senior had taken a piece of shrapnol to the head up in Spotsylvania during the war between the states.  He lived and came back home to later run a sawmill that did right good. Made himself some good money. My Daddy was the youngest of 5. He had 4 sisters and since he was the only son he would up getting ahold of that mill after my granddaddy died from cerosis of the liver.
"I don't know how your Daddy isn't dead yet himself" she told me one Sunday evening "he never did learn how not to be fool. Your Grandaddy didn't go a single day without drinking once he came home from fighting. War does somethin' to men. Your daddy, bless his heart, never did have a chance. That mill was the only way your Grandaddy knew how to say sorry after all the times he beat him, and look at what hes gone and done with it now, Gambled away every cent that was ever made, I hope none of yall turn out like him". 

I heard the dog first before I heard  Angus and Roddy coming up to the house. "We got one!" Roddy hollered. He sounded just as excited as my stomach was just thinking about how good that possum was gonna taste. I got up from that kitchen table where I always sat while mama made biscuits just as quick as I could, but my foot got tangled up on one of the legs of my chair and when I tried to catch myself I accidently knocked over the entire jar of buttermilk Mama had sitting out. "Gideon! are you okay? you're bleedin!" I wanted to be a man and not cry but my face hurt so bad I couldn't hardly stand It. I had split my eyebrow right open and I could just about feel my heart beating in my forehead. Before I knew it I was crying and hugging my face in my hands, blood pouring out like the dam had broke loose. "Angus! get me something from of the clothes line to put on your brothers face, he's bleedin, hurry". He come running in just as fast as I've ever seen him. Angus was a real man. If anyone of us was hurt or in some sort of trouble he was always right there to help. I always thought it was because he was like mama. They both had black hair like a ravens wing and those "sweet blue eyes" which was what mine always told me. I guess I didn't realize it till later, I never liked to look at myself much after that evening.
Mama had that cloth up to my face in no time and her and Angus just knelt down beside me, hugging me while I cried like the child that I was.
Mama and him had this look they'd give you, like a worrying look. Their eyes got real watery and big and they looked like they was fixin to cry. It broke my heart every time I seen it. "are you ok sug? can you stand?"" yea mama," I said as best I could in between all that crying and carrying on. I dont know if it was my sobbing or the possum everyone was so anxious to see about but once Mama and Angus had helped me wipe the blood off my eyes I looked up and sure enough everyone old enough to walk was just standing there staring at me eyes as wide as ever. "What's the matter? ain't none of yall ever cried before?" Good ole Angus always knew just what to say to make me feel better. Even when I was embarrassed.
"Well If he's ok then can you cook us some food I'm starving." Roddy said holding up that dead opossum. 
I don't think that son of a bitch ever cared about nothin but himself and his stomach. At the time Roddy was only about a year and a half younger than Angus who was 12, but he wasn't near as smart and carried daddy's mean streak around like It was an ailment. "Roddy, Gideon's hurt and we gotta get this milk cleaned up before Daddy gets home." I looked down at the mess I'd made and I knew I had fucked up bad this time. Daddy was gonna come home, see my torn up face and missing buttermilk and know I had something to do with it. "Mama we gotta clean up the milk, please mama hurry! help me wipe it up!" Raymond said louder than usual. He was my best friend we did everything together. He didn't talk too much but when he did It was either real important or he was upset and in this case it was both. Just as quick as he could go ole Raymond had his shirt off and on the floor scrubbing and soaking up that milk as fast as his skinny arms could go. We all joined in even Roddy.  One thing we didn't want to do was upset daddy and Raymond was a walking testament of his meanness. I saw the fear in his eyes when he looked up at me from that puddle of half soaked up buttermilk, left eye swollen and just as black as night. I saw him cry for the first time ever, right there on that kitchen floor and I knew why.

"Which one a you son's a bitches is gon tell me why Gideon's face is bleeding". There we all stood lined up in the kitchen waiting to find out witch one of us was getting a whipping including Mama. He was mad as fire. We hadn't seen him in 2 days. Most nights he stayed out buying whores and wasting what little money we had on whiskey and laudanum.
You see, he was what you would call the community drunkard, he would come in real late barely standing and smelling like a still. He would wake us up just about every time. It didn't matter what time of the night it was. We got so we'd stay up and wait just so we didn't get drug out of bed by our feet.
Roddy never did hear too well. Real early on in his life he suffered from ear Infections just about every month or so. Daddy came home mad one night and from what Angus said when Roddy didn't hear him hollering at  him to get out of that bed he jerked him up by the arm so hard it broke it just about in two. That may have been what made him the way he is. The worst was when he would get ahold of mama. Most of the time he wouldnt wake us up then. We woud hear him though. Sometimes mama would be crying and other times I would just hear that bed just a shaking. He'd be saying things, I learned later you can't say to a woman.
"Im sorry, William. I was afraid the baby woud get cold and Addie has been feverish since yesterday. Let me fix you some of this possum Angus and Roddy just carried in. "Lazy bitch you should have had me some food ready the minute I came through this fucking door and what the hell Is all over the floor you cant even keep the damn house clean? Yall wanna make a mess? I can make a damn mess too, you ungrateful pieces of shit!" I knew It was coming then. He had that look in his eyes, like a bull fixin to charge. His hair was all wild, eyes just as blood shot as ever. He was a big man. For years I had just about convinced myself he was kin to Goliath, after I learned what a Giant was in church, but I was no David. It was right then he grabbed every bit of flour we had and held towards the fire. We didn't eat much as it was. Daddy wanted it that way, he wanted to be in control, he liked it when he had us weak." Daddy please don't! Please, we are gonna starve!" I hated hearing Angus beg like that, but I knew he was the hungriest. We had found little William crying and hugging his stomach that morning on the steps and he had gave him the only biscuit he had to eat that day before we had gone to school. White filled the kitchen as he dropped ever bit of flour we had into the fireplace. "yall hear the way this son of a bitch Is raising his voice at me?" 
Before I knew what was happening he had mama up by the throat, back slammed Into the wall. "You think I married you to come home to this? I ain't got no food on the table and....... and my sons face Is  bleedin! Y'all got one last chance to tell me what happened?" "He's fine. He just tripped and".... that's when Daddy hit her, 2 times I believe both in the mouth. "Did I fucking ask you? Now you get to see what It feels like." Mama let out a cry so pitiful I couldn't stop myself, I knew if I didn't say something he wouldn't stop. "Daddy I'm sorry, I'm so sorry I fell, I did it, I spilt the milk. Daddy let go of mama and came running across that room at me so fast I didn't have time to blink.
 My head was in Mamas lap when I must have finally woke up with a pain I'll never forget. She was rubbIng my hair and singing to me. I loved It when she would sing to me. She always had the most beautiful voice. Angus sat across from us on his stomach just staring at me. Good ole Angus. He wouldn't sleep until he knew I was ok. Raymond was laying to my left just like we slept every night. His face was white as Mamas night gown and his arm was wrapped around me. I felt so bad for him. I didn't want him feelIng bad for me with his eye looking like It was. "Mama Im so hungry when can we eat that possum?" I remember asking. I don't recall what her answer was, I think I was too busy dreaming about those biscuits we weren't going be eating in the morning.