Just my life

Trapped

Thoughts in your own body. Trapped in thoughts. Thoughts that kill. It's like a game that never ends. Or a fight between heart and head. As soon as I am alone, I am exposed to it. I can never really concentrate. Every thought is short but only blurred.Only this one thought is always there. I don't know why he's there. Sometimes he is stronger, sometimes I can push him aside quite well. What if I was just gone. Forever. You can't really find the answer to this question so directly, which is why the thought is probably always so present. But if I have to say what's wrong with me or what I'm thinking about, I can't explain it. On the one hand, I can't find words that make a meaningful sentence. On the other hand, I am somehow afraid of the reactions. Do I come across as if I were begging for attention and give me only a mocking comment as usual and go?

I just want to be me... Is that so hard. I want my old me back. I want to go to school or go public in general without fear. Without feeling that everyone is staring at me, that everyone is talking about me. I just want to sleep like a normal person at night and not lie in bed trembling, with tears in the received, because my thoughts have overwhelmed me again. I don't want to have to go out in class because I get a panic attack. But I don't know how I can do that. I'm trying, I'm trying to ignore all this and just do my thing. But I can't always do it nine times. I can't do it anymore. I'm just tired and powerless

Rather a tired of life. I just want to get away from here forever or just go away alone for a few weeks and try to switch off to understand myself to accept myself. Or just finish everything. Turn off the light. There's not much left of my "I" anyway. Sooner or later, everything will be over anyway. Doesn't matter when, does it?