If, When

Proposal...

It's hard to describe the feeling. When people get proposed to, it's mostly a happy event. But then there's people like myself, that feel like they'll never have that experience.

If I were to ever get proposed to, it would be a happy day. Unexpected, no fancy dress up, nothing about a fancy restaurant or whatnot, it would be casual. The type of casual as in he'd probably find a way to do it through video games and friends on each side. Just a normal day. It would seem unexpected, but expected at the same time.

I imagine some different ways of being proposed to. One image in my mind, fancy dress up, fancy place, him telling me to look at something behind me, kneeling and when I turn back, he's on his knee with a ring. Friends and family surrounding the area, filming or photographing the event, having a great time.

Another image, one more casual. Being taken out to the lake or on a hike, having casual fun, with me just focused on either catching my breath or listening to nature. The waves softly hitting the shore, the sun warming up my back through my sweater. As he goes to change bait or lures, he gets my attention, stands me up, and kneels down. That's my type of proposal. Secluded, out of sight from others, relaxing day. Happy day, probably. Unexpected, that one would be. It would be the best type of surprise and if someone knows me well, I'm not fond of surprises. Especially because of my illness and what I've gone through the last 10 years battling an incurable, invisible illness. It would be a happy surprise to find that the man I'd love at the time and seen my future with, kneeling down, to wonder why he was so adamant about keeping his pockets hidden from me until the lake.

Yeah, that would be an amazing idea to happen. But yet, I'm turning 27 in a few days and I've not been able to hold a stable relationship, like ever. None of my past relationships were stable. All taught me lessons in who I am and what life has to give. But none, as it is, were meant to last. Only to teach me certain things about myself and how to treat others.

If I were to ever get close to being engaged, or even in a next relationship, I'd have to see myself with them for the rest of my life. All the quirks, the funny jokes, goofy moments, everything about them that slightly irks me, but not enough to pursue loving them, learning to love them in the way they need to be loved. In the way they're meant to be loved. To accept them in every way, to accept me in every way.

It's not when, it's an if in life that I'll have to figure out the answer to. Until then, I'll focus my energy on bettering my mind and body.

I need someone who's meant to love me in the ways I'm meant to be loved. If I were to ever be proposed to, I'd already have made my choice the first couple of times I see them. If only, oh, if only, they just felt the same.