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It's been 48 hours without my baby. I'm going insane. It feels like it's been years.
I don't know where my kid is, I haven't known where she was for two days now. I'm sitting with my bag packed, my leg shaking uncontrollably.
Nicholai is distant, trying to regulate his emotions. I leave him be because I can barely regulate mine.
I inhale deeply, packing up the last few of Nicholai's clothes. We're running? from whom you may ask?
I'm still yet to know. I unconsciously bite at my acrylic nail, popping the charm off on accident.
"Fuck" I hiss, getting frustrated. I pace back and forth, my stomach twisting. I feel like I'm going to throw up.
Is this what attachment issues feel like? It was never this bad when Nicholai went away. Maybe I wasn't that attached to him.
"Remy. Sit down" Nicholai's deep demanding voice stops me in my tracks. I want to argue with him, I want to yell at him.
"Nicholai, please don't start with me" I bite my lip, stopping myself from raising my tone or letting anything that doesn't need to be said come out.
"Remy, sit the fuck down or get out" My neck almost breaks with how fast I turn it to look at him.
He's sitting on the bed, his elbows resting on his knees and his hands are tightly clasped in front of his mouth.
They violently shake in front of him and my anger towards him stutters a little. I take fast steps toward the door.
When me and Nicholai were "together" this would happen, never to this extent. We would argue about stupid stuff, he would get distant, quiet, and jumpy, and we would usually just fuck it out and never talk about it again but I can't participate in any type of sexual activities while worrying about Nichole.
My legs carry me to the elevator. Before I could click the button, a big hand wrapped around my wrist, ripping my hand away from the elevator.
I reach my hand back and claw at the person's face, thinking it's the "bad men" that were "coming" for us.
They trapped my other hand, dragging me back to a room. When I open my eyes, I see Nicholai heaving.
"Why the fuck would you leave. I've told you that people are after us. You don't know how to fucking listen, Remy!" He gets in my face, yelling at me. I flinch.
This reminds me of that night.
"You told me to sit down or leave and I left 'cause if I hadn't I would've beat your ass for talking to me like that. You lucky I'm composing myself right now!" I yell back. Here comes the screaming match.
"Fuck! I try, I try so goddamn hard for you Remy."
"What are you talking about" I look at him like he's crazy, hell, he is crazy.
He ignored me, standing rigidly, staring at me. I didn't like his body language.
"Now you want to shut up. Speak!! you can't just stop talking when I want to ask questions"
No response
"SPEAK!" I yell at him, getting more and more frustrated by the minute. My eyes start to water and my throat burns.
This was just supposed to be a trip to celebrate Nichole's birthday. It was going so well, as it always does with Nicholai. Then it ends horribly. I should've known it was too good to be true.
"I should've known not to let you back in" I whisper.
The next few events happened rapidly. Nicholai's hand gripped the bottoms of my jaw, tilting my head up so much it hurt. The way his hand was placed it felt like it was meant to squeeze my throat instead. Like he was trying to stop himself from strangling me.
My lip trembles as I stare at him, a tear rolling down my cheek. It hurts, I don't bruise easily but I know the bruises will show soon.
"Fuck did you just say?" He growls, his upper lip slightly lifting as if he were a feral dog.
I couldn't speak because of how tight he held my jaw so I just stared at him, defiance and tears burning in my eyes.
"SPEAK!" He yelled at me, repeating the word I yelled at him moments ago.
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I stare at her, she's so pretty. Her eyes are pretty, her eyebrows are perfect, her nose is perfect, she is perfect.
I release some of the pressure on her jaw and drag my thumb across her lip pulling it down. My eyes track the letters on the inside of her lip 'R&N'. That was the first tattoo she let me give her.
"I fucking love you Remy" I sigh letting her jaw go. She practically says she hates me with the way she looks at me and it makes me smile. She loves me, I know it.
Even if she didn't, it wouldn't matter. She let me come back and I'm not leaving again. I'll lock her up before I do.
I see the light tremble of her bottom lip. As if she's afraid of me. I'm not scaring her though, I'm giving her my affection. She loves my affection.
The way her body responds to mine is so different but I love it. I love her.
She pulls her face away and I let my hands drop to my sides. I love her.
"When will I be able to see Nichole again" she asks and the question makes me upset. My jaw ticks at the reminder of my lack of control.
I don't know where my daughter is. I don't know when I will see my daughter again. I chew on my bottom lip.
I don't have the answers to satisfy Remy.
"fucking hell" I drag my hands down my face honestly stressed out.
"You want a foot massage" I turn my head to look at her. I need to touch her, she calms me down.
she glared at me from the side of her eye. We sat there in silence, with me waiting for her to answer my question, and her staring at me from the corner of her eye for a good 2 minutes.
She sucks her teeth, something she got from her nana. She got up anyway and sat on the bed. I sat down on the edge and pulled her feet into my lap.
