knocked me down

chapter one

myra POV

I don't dream.

Well I do, but my dreams are more like words accompanied by music. They aren't pictures. They're never words about unicorns or birthdays — they paint me out as this failure. This jealous and rage ridden person that hates everyone. I couldn't tell you why because I like to think that I'm not like that.

My dreams have been like this since I was a little girl. It terrified me as a child — the first time it happened I thought my parents were in my room yelling at me; because that's what it sounded like. Two people arguing, fighting, simply conflicted. Every time I told anyone, the conversation would go the same
"go back to sleep Myra"
"stop being silly Myra"
"you're fine Myra"
No one believed me. I've grown so used to it that I can practically block it out.

The words 'maybe in another universe, it'll be easier for someone to love you' flashed across my mind. Mentally I took a deep breath because no matter how hard I try, this part of my brain will always be a part of me. And for that, I hate myself.

A hard knock on the front door makes my eyes slowly crack open. I roll slightly on my side and look at the time on my phone, 8:02am. A heavy sigh spills out my mouth as I lay my head back down on the pillow. Another knock sounds and travels down the hallways of my apartment. I practically crawl out of bed, pulling my legs free from the blankets that were wrapped around me. I shove my feet into the slippers near my bed and trudge my way to the front door.

I twist the knob and creak it open only to see one of my classmates, Holly, standing on the other side. She was standing tall, a wide smile spread across her face. She looked down at my slumped figure and strung her brows together in a pitiful look. "Oh, I didn't mean to wake you. Thought you'd be awake by now." She spoke way too cheerfully for this time of the morning. I mumbled a 'it's okay' though I don't she could even make out the words. She cleared her throat before speaking again, "I just wanted to come 'round to invite you to a party at Shivton House tomorrow night — y'know since you don't live on campus I thought I should let you know. You don't have to come but I'd love to see you there." I straightened my posture a bit and swallowed my breath, "Yeah, why not? I'll try and bring Astrid with me."

She gave me very minor details about the party before leaving to go to her first class of the day. I closed the door and leaned my back on it, shutting my eyes as I breathed in and out. I hadn't been to a party in a while, simply because I've been busy doing schoolwork. I shuffled my feet slowly towards the fridge as my stomach grumbled. My shirt that was three sizes too big was hanging down past my elbows and my pants were swallowing my slippers — you couldn't even tell I was wearing them.

I opened the fridge and grabbed the bottle of orange juice that was sitting in the door. I reached up into a cupboard and picked up a glass, pouring my drink. I pushed two slices of bread into the toaster as I cut open an avocado. I spread the avocado slices onto the toast, sprinkling it with salt and pepper. I picked up my plate and orange juice as I walked over to the small dining table. I sat down and began to eat my food. I wiped my hands after a few bites and walked over to the curtains, pushing them open to see the view outside. I walked back to the table, eating as I stared out the big windows. The apartment overlooked a park and a river that had its staple red bridge over it. It wasn't the most beautiful thing I've ever seen but it was minimal and that's what I loved about living here.

I heard a door down the hallway open and say my best friend, Astrid, wandering towards me. "Good morning." She spoke softly as she moved into the kitchen to make a smoothie. Astrid and I have been best friends since we were kids as our mums are best friends. Astrid and her family moved back to Belfaston when she was 6 and we immediately became inseparable. We've been through all the major childhood milestones together — leaving primary school, starting high school, graduating high school and getting into university. Obviously there were a lot of other minor and inconsequential things that we went through together, but that list would go on forever. Point is, it's me and Astrid forever.