if I were a snail - a Keqing x Heizou one-shot

if I were a snail

“What did you just say?!”

Keqing stared in disbelief at the man laying on the futon before her, his face nearly the same shade as his maroon hair. He burst into giggles and pointed at her.

“Your lips move funny when you speak,” he giggled, clumsily reaching for her mouth. “It’s so funny…hehe…”

Keqing batted his hand away and wrinkled her nose. His breath now reeked of alcohol! It was too late at night to deal with this. She should never have agreed to go out for drinks with the Crux Fleet tonight. The idiot usually avoided the stuff. Who would’ve thought that one sip of dessert wine would change all of that?

“Answer the damn question, Shikanoin Heizou,” she said again, crossing her arms and glaring directly at him. “What did you ask me just now?”

Heizou giggled again, his olive green eyes gleaming with wonder and anticipation as he spoke again.

“Miss Yuheng, would you love me if I were a snail?”

So she hadn’t misheard it. How unfortunate. Keqing let out a long, suffering sigh.

“Is that a no?” asked her boyfriend, pouting and looking up at her with big, shining eyes.

“How do I even…” Keqing took a moment to rub her forehead, before exasperatedly exclaiming, “It’s not even the right question, idiot! Aren’t you supposed to say ‘worm’ and not ‘snail’?!”

“Same difference.”

“‘Same difference’ my ass! One is a thin, long wriggling meat, and the other is slime in a shell!”

“Hey…you’re avoiding the question…” Heizou suddenly tugged at her sleeve and whined. “Why won’t you answer me?”

With a yelp, Keqing barely managed to pull free from his grasp; Heizou had one hell of a grip, even in his drunken stupor. He whined louder as she got up, only to calm down again when he realized she was just getting into the futon with him.

“I’m tired too, you know,” she said, just before a yawn punctuated her sentence, as though even her body was trying to prove a point.

“I know…’m sorry…”

“It’s fine, it was your first time really drinking.” Keqing sighed and brushed his hair out of his half-lidded eyes, which widened with an almost childlike awe and wonder. “You’re bound to say and do stupid things. I’m just really tired right now…”

Heizou had a look of half-understanding on his face, but from the way he nodded weakly, it seemed he’d dropped the topic of snails. He nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck. Keqing gasped softly, her cheeks warming up slightly at the proximity, then smiled at how comfortable and content he looked right now. She gently pulled him closer. He let out a happy sigh.

“By the way,” she whispered, suddenly realizing something, “what exactly do you mean by ‘if you were a snail’? It’s rather vague. Do you mean if you were born a snail, or if you had turned into a snail?”

Heizou chuckled and shrugged.

“Figured just as much,” Keqing said with a giggle of her own, absent-mindedly stroking his hair. “I’m assuming you were thinking more along the lines of the latter?”

“Mhmm.”

“In that case…well, I’m no snail expert, but I did have this one childhood friend who loved snails,” Keqing thought aloud. “She’d feed them carrots– yes, I’d probably get you some carrots. She also often spritzed it with a little water, so I suppose I would do that as well. Either way, I’m sure I could find some books on snail anatomy and physiology, should it ever come to that.”

She kissed his forehead.

“I love you no matter what, idiot,” she whispered. “You happy now?”

Heizou nodded, a goofy grin plastered all over his face. Thus satisfied with her final answer, Keqing quickly fell asleep, with her lover in her arms and a small smile of her own.