For years now I have found it fascinating how quickly things can change. I stared at the white gold vintage engagement ring on my finger. It had a large oval diamond surrounded by a ring of smaller diamonds. The band had two smaller bands that crossed over every so often with diamonds where the bands met. It was a bit gaudy but in the best way possible. It was newish, it still caught me by surprise every so often and my closest friends would ooh and ahh at it as soon as I walked in the room. They'd ask me over and over again to tell the story of how he drove me 45 mins away to a small secluded forest and got down on one knee getting grass and dirt stains on his white balenciaga suit pants. Within a week of getting the ring I wore it proudly out in public, something I could never imagine doing a couple years ago but something felt so easy and simple with Travis. This however was not going to be as easy and simple.
I had been pregnant before, a couple of years ago. It felt like the worst possible timing but nonetheless we were thrilled and things were great until I woke up in the middle of the night surrounded in blood soaked sheets. We told ourselves that it was for the best and that the timing just wasn't right but we knew we were lying to ourselves."I don't even know why I'm doing this, they're going to be positive." I said as I slowly dipped several paper strips into a dixie cup full of my pee before placing them on a piece of toilet paper on the back of the toilet.
"You don't know that. At least not yet." His voice was low and raspy, It was clear that he wasn't used to being awake this early.
I was only pregnant for 9 weeks before but the short, intense waves of nausea combined with exhaustion and the fact that something just felt different were all too unique and familiar. "I've been pregnant before and it felt exactly like this. I'm not exactly known for turning my nose up at coffee or falling asleep before 9."He sighed and stared down at the small amount of water left in the bathtub from washing out the trash can that lived next to my bed. It was usually full of chocolate wrappers and make-up wipes but I found it quite useful this morning as I emptied the contents of my stomach into it.
After setting the last test down I investigated the rest of them"Shit this ones already positive." He stood up from edge of the bathtub and watched the test as the line got darker and darker and before long we had 6 test that were blaring positive. We both stared at the tests for a few minutes in awe before Travis chose to break the silence "It's almost like the test lines are darker than the controls." his hands were shaking and his eyes kept shifting from the tests to me. "It's called a dye stealer. It is weird though I didn't think my lines were that dark until I was like 7 ½ weeks last time." "Is it possible that you're more pregnant than we thought?"
I began counting on my fingers from the date of my last period. "No, I shouldn't be more than four, maybe five weeks? Maybe my body just knows what to do this time."
There was a time in my life where an unexpected positive pregnancy test would have sent me to the ground sobbing and stressing about every minor detail but if anything age had shown me that things have a way of working themselves out. "I don't want you to think I'm not excited because I am so happy and we're going to get married and have a baby but I'm am also freaking the fuck out like are we supposed to just continue as if this didn't just happen? I always wanted kids someday, someday as in not today"
I stopped his ramble by kissing him, a little trick he often used on me when life felt like it was spinning out of control. He resisted at first but slowly began to kiss me back, lifting me up so I could wrap my legs around his waist effortlessly before carrying me down the hallway and into the bedroom. I couldn't help but think that assuming everything went well, sooner rather than later our baby would inhibit our ability to press our bodies against each other like this.
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He ran his hand through my tousled hair as I traced the lines forming the muscles over his abdomen. "I really meant it, you know, I am so beyond happy." He smiled and gently kissed my forehead. "I don't know we'll see how you feel in a few months when I'm fat and moody." He let out a small chuckle " No, I think I'm even excited for that part like this morning when I was washing your puke out of the garbage can, after you told me you think you might be pregnant? I actually thought to myself "this just means that if you are pregnant that our baby is growing and doing what it's supposed to do and then i started to cry so I had to stop thinking about it. I mean god T I cant wait to watch you grow with our baby." My eyes started to swell and I did my best to blink my tears away. " Damn it Kelce, you're making me cry." he grabbed my hand, lacing his fingers through mine. "How are you doing with all this? I mean you're in the middle of a tour and it definitely wasn't your plans for the moment either." I sighed and looked into his eyes. "Well, I've had a few more days to process. I've known for almost a week that those tests would come up positive and I've felt like a mom for a couple years, even though I never met that baby earth side." " Fuck, I didn't even think about that."
I was nervous, I had written in a diary the last time I was pregnant. I noted my symptoms and emotions to look back on during any future pregnancies. I had read through the entire thing in the last few days and noted that my symptoms were much more intense and began much earlier, which I was taking as a good sign. Regardless, any twinge in my abdomen sent me panicking to the bathroom checking for blood.
"We're just going to take this one day at a time and hope this baby stays sticky. I'm just trying to enjoy it as much as possible." His hand fell from my hair to my bare stomach. "Please stay sticky baby, we want to meet you" he whispered softly. I couldn't quite explain it, maybe I was just being hopeful, but something told me I'd get to hold my baby this time.
