Linda gripped the straps of her handbag tightly. She wrung her hands in worry. Thoughts raced through her mind of everything that had happened to her throughout the previous few weeks. The mindless drunken night out, the following morning waking up alone in the bed without anyone by her side, the aftermath. Her mother’s voice resonated in her ears telling her what she should and shouldn’t do. ‘It’s a human life Linda. It’s murder. You’re killing an innocent child.’ She was filled with doubt. She braced herself for the worst
The train journey was a nightmare. She had to be up at five that morning to get up to Belfast in time. She was exhausted. It wasn’t as if she could get a decent night’s sleep anyway. Linda barely got any sleep over the previous two weeks. Her eyes bloodshot, eyelids heavy. She felt like collapsing on top of the row of hard wooden chairs lining the empty waiting room. Staring at the opposite wall she noticed a pro-life poster emblazoning the right to human life. It seemed to scream at her, telling her to stop right now and go home without ever looking back. The mother embraced a new-born in her arms with the caption running underneath ‘Everyone has the right to life’. What about her? What about her own body? She had been to hell and back after learning she was pregnant. Nights were spent staring at the ceiling of her inner city Dublin flat listening to the faint rumblings of traffic from the road outside wondering what on earth she was going to do. Every night was spent tossing and turning fighting with her duvet for some way of escape from this nightmare. Her mind filled with doubts over the course her life would now take. She couldn’t escape it now matter how hard she tried. Now she had to face up to the consequences of what had been one ordinary night like every other.
They decided to hit the town on a girl’s night out. Linda went with Sarah and Nicole on a pub crawl. She hadn’t been out in ages. Normally wouldn’t have the money. Savings were tight enough as it was without having to spend extra on booze and club. They coaxed her into it. ‘Come on, it will be a great laugh. You haven’t been out in ages.’ they said. At least they meant well, that was the main thing. She had to relent. Linda ended up hitting every bar she could find with the girls on their way around the city centre. No club was safe when they were out. She was buzzing. Dressed to kill, had her friends by her side. She was unstoppable, had the world at her feet with nothing to fear. Nothing could go wrong, everything was as it should be, or so she thought.
Linda recalled how gorgeous Matt looked from across the floor. His face appeared behind a group of clubbers out for a night from across the club. His dark unkempt hair and rugged good looks screamed at her to get his number. She had to. Maybe it was the alcohol in her veins or the euphoria of the night out but something made her want him like no-one else she met before. They got to talking. Told her he was an architect working on a project on the canal. One of the structural engineers on the job building some bridge across the Liffey. Whatever it was he told it with Linda half listening half ogling his handsome features. Most of it went in one ear and out the other. Linda could barely remember what he said, his lips distracting her with every word he spoke. She fell for him instantly hanging on his every word, or at least every movement of his seductive features as they talked at the bar downing shots in between pleasantries.
She couldn’t remember exactly what had happened but sometime during the course of the night she parted with her friends. It was only an hour or so after meeting him. The club was packed at that stage. There was no question about it, he was going home with her. Linda recalled how her heart fluttered with excitement when he said yes. She never felt so young. She was only in her late twenties anyway, never had anyone ask her out before. She couldn’t believe he wanted to come back to her place. She felt as if she were a clumsy teen again asking a guy out on a date for the school dance. How could she resist?
The rest of the night passed by in a blur. All she could recall were the blissful moments of inebriated intimacy they shared that night in her place. The following morning he was gone. The pumping headache, her tender limbs. Disorientated and confused wondering where Matt had gone. ‘Was it just a dream? Did I imagine it all?’ There was no way of knowing. ‘Did we do it? Did he use protection?’ Her mind raced at all of the possibilities of what could have gone wrong. The idea made her sick to her stomach. The rest of the day was a complete write off spent in bed nursing a pounding headache and a sickened stomach from the previous night’s indulgences. Her phone rang constantly, Nicole left hundreds of texts on her phone asking her where she had gone to or who she went off with. The worst part was she couldn’t answer them. All she could recall was ending up with some guy who disappeared like a dream in the night leaving her all alone the following morning. There was nothing she could do about it. He was gone. Left her alone to deal with the repercussions.
