so, i had just gotten a new dealer and i bought a quarter off him, went home and rolled a straight green joint because i didn't smoke tobacco back then.
Rolling straight was a stupid thing today especially because I had never tried this particular weed before.
I smoked the whole thing, didn't feel much, went back inside and started watching skins.
I have a high level of empathy which i believe is the cause of my anxiety and sadness, i get sad for others as much as i get sad for myself if not more.
I started to feel everything the characters in the episode were feeling as if i were them, it was the episode about Freddy and it was showing the effects that his mums death had had on the family, he was smoking weed to deal with the grief his dad was a wreck and his sister had repressed it.
Anyway i was getting so sad thinking so deeply into it that i had to turn it off and then i was left with just my mind, my parents had recently split and me my mum and my sister had just moved into our new house, there were still unpacked boxes and understandibly it was a hard time for us all, however i had convinced myself that i didnt care about them splitting because my dad was an abusive asshole, and after they split i through myself into the city life, binge drinking, taking whatever drugs i could fine, sleeping on the streets, having heaps and heaps of casual sex etc, just fucking myself up entirely and it was after smoking this joint that i realise that i felt the need to do those things to myself to mask the fact that i was really upset about my family breaking up and it was a huge realisation, i was getting lost in my head and freaking myself out so i walked down the hall to find my mum because i needed some comfort but her and my sister were having an argument and my sister was screaming at her, i hid in the darkness of the hallway shaking and freaking out till eventually my sister slammed her door and my mum went into her room, i followed her to find her sitting on her bed crying, i went and lay on her bed and put my head on her lap because i was so freaked out but again the empathy struck me and i was so so sad for her and also freaking the fuck out like really freaking out, mum had no idea i was stoned and started venting about how stressed and sad she was and i literally could not deal with it it was so awful i just buried my face into the pillow so everything was black and then i was having hallucinations and was seeing the earth from a bird eyes point of view, it was smokey/dusty but under the smoke the earth was green, the green was fading away and being overpowered by the smoke, the earth had a face and the face was crying and earth was getting smaller and smaller and it was showing me how humans are fucking ruining the planet and eventually we will die out due to the pollution that we are creating ourselves with the technology that we really don't need.
and yeah eventually it weakened and i fell asleep.
this was 2 years ago so you can kinda get a feeling of how intense it was, i can still remember it in such detail.
