Age: 0 years I was born a male in Kandahar, Afghanistan. I was conceived on my parents' honeymoon.
My birthday is September 19. l am a Virgo.
My name is Painda Dawlatzai.
My mother is Farahnoush Durani, a receptionist (age 26).
My father is Musa Dawlatzai, a receptionist (age 51).
Age: 1 year Crying therapy sanctuaries are all the rage in Aruba.
| banged on a xylophone that I found in my crib.
Age: 2 years It is widely believed in Cuba that Colombia meddled in its last national election and that its new misogynist leader, Irela Diaz, would not be in power if not for Colombia's actions.
l became friends with Consuela Tapia.
Age: 3 years When l'm riding in the car with my mother, I try to imagine how much fun it would be to run over mimes and not look back.
I remained calm when my mother took me to the doctor's office to get vaccinated.
Age: 4 years My parents think I keep losing things, but in reality, I'm just really good at making things disappear.
Age: 7 years I have been enrolled in primary school at Aurakzai Primary School, an all-boys school.
I've started wondering how easy it would be to throw a rock through a window and pretend it was an accident.
l am suffering from the flu.
Age: 8 years My mother has been diagnosed with pneumonia.
I went home with my head hung low after I peed myself in front of the other kids at the park.
Age: 9 years My mother is no longer suffering from pneumonia.
My favorite scene in 'Home Alone' is when the gangster pumps a filthy animal's keister full of lead.
l am suffering from mumps.
Age: 10 years A scientist from Germany has discovered the world's largest dinosaur penis fossil in a small village outside of Hanover. It is reported that the find has stirred up some jealousy in the archaeological world, leaving some scientists with dinosaur penis envy.
Age: 11 years My classmate, Aarash, acted up in Mr. Afghanzada's class. I ignored his antics.
Age: 12 years I was bullied at school by my classmate, Tomasz.
I kicked the bully's lip! Then I ripped the piercing out of his belly button!
I have been convicted of assault and sentenced to one year at a juvenile detention center!
They sent me to Kandahar Juvenile Detention.
I was forced to drop out of primary school.
Age: 13 years My mother gave birth to a girl named Armineh Hasanzai, my new half sister. She was the product of artificial insemination.
I have been freed from juvenile detention.
I have been enrolled in middle school at Akhtar Middle School.
My mother died in crossfire between opposing armed forces.
I paid my respects at her funeral.
My half sister and I each inherited $96,754.
My half sister and I have been sent to an orphanage for the remainder of our childhood.
My half sister and l have been sent to an orphanage for the remainder of our childhood.
Age: 14 years I befriended a new orphan at the orphanage.
Age: 15 years Drought conditions have officially beset Afghanistan.
Irefused to join Twitch.
Age: 16 years I started secondary school at Kandahar Secondary School.
I decided to see what extracurricular activities were available at my new secondary school.
The coach of the track team refused to let me try out for the team due to my grades.
Age: 17 years l experienced crusty eyes.
I chugged some water and hoped for the best.
Age: 18 years I have been allowed to leave Kandahar Orphanage.
I failed my driving test.
Age: 19 years I graduated from secondary school.
I enlisted in the Army with a salary of $4,255.
lam a Private.
Age: 20 years My half sister, Armineh, started primary school.
I screamed at a fellow soldier to STOP just before she was about to pick up an IED.
Age: 21 years My half sister, Armineh, has been diagnosed with scarlet fever.
Ieagerly accepted a deployment to an unstable guerilla-controled region of Mongolia.
I served my country by successfully completing a deployment to an unstable guerilla-controlled region of Mongolia.
learneda medal for my courage and wore it with pride.
Age: 22 years The Army promoted me to Private Second Class with a salary of $4,769.
I was cured of depression.
Ihave been diagnosed with PTSD.
Age: 23 years The Army promoted me to Private First Class with a salary of $5,335.
I was alarmed to discover blood in my stool.
I made a doctor's appointment.
Dr. Niazai diagnosed me with bowel polyps.
Dr. Niazai treated my bowel polyps.
I continue to suffer from bowel polyps.
Age: 24 years The Army promoted me to Specialist with a salary of $6, 150.
Age: 25 years My half sister, Armineh, died from complications associated with scarlet fever.
paid my respects at her funeral.
Age: 26 years The Army promoted me to Sergeant with a salary of $7,329.
Age: 27 years Iwas cured of PTSD.
Age: 28 years The Army promoted me to Staff Sergeant with a salary of $8,429.
Age: 29 years I had blisters all over my face.
I made a doctor's appointment.
Dr. Niazai diagnosed me with cold sores.
Dr. Niazai treated my cold sores.
I was cured of cold sores.
Age: 30 years The Army promoted me to Sergeant First Class with a salary of $10,695.
Age: 31 years Religious feuds fester between Portugal and Bangladesh.
My friend and I got wasted and painted the town red on a bar crawl in honor of Chaos Never Dies Day.
Age: 32 years The Army promoted me to Master Sergeant with a salary of $13,345.
Age: 33 years leagerly accepted a deployment to a deadly rebel encampment in Haiti.
I served my country by successfully completing a deployment to a deadly rebel encampment in Haiti.
l earneda medal for my gallantry and wore it with pride.
Age: 34 years I started drinking vodka.
Age: 35 years l am now dating Kaameh Achakzai.
Age: 36 years The Army promoted me to Sergeant Major with a salary of $17,152.
Age: 37 years The pain was so intense from marching in the desert that I fell to the ground, unable to walk another step.
Age: 38 years l experienced body aches.
Imade a doctor's appointment.
Dr. Achakzai diagnosed me with the swine flu.
Dr. Achakzai treated my swine flu.
I was cured of the swine flu.
Age: 39 years I suspected that Kaameh cheated on me.
I confronted Kaameh about my suspicion that she cheated on me but she denied it.
Kaameh argued with me because I suspected her of cheating on me.
I scolded her.
Kaameh became pregnant with someone else's baby!
Age: 40 years Kaameh and I have been together for 5 years.
Kaameh gave birth to a baby boy named Rayi Dawlatzai.
Age: 41 years I have a new commanding officer named Lieutenant Hussaini.
97 people have been safely evacuated, while 34 perish after a predetermined volcanic eruption in Kenya.
I tried to take a a briefcase that I found but the owner started arguing with me.
Someone started arguing with me afterI took his briefcase. I reamed him and he apologized.
Age: 42 years Kaameh broke up with me. I called her skeezy.
I chose to vaccinate my son, Rayi.
Age: 43 years l am now dating Ferhana Afghanzada.
Age: 44 years Portugal has begun air strikes against Bangladesh, confirming the onset of war.
I signed up for a Twitter account.
Age: 45 years Age: 46 years I threw out my sex toy after discovering my friend, Consuela, used it while staying the night, and I never said a word about the incident.
Age: 47 years My son, Rayi, started primary school.
I witnessed a food scientist driving on the sidewalk. I called the police on him.
Age: 48 years Ferhana and I have been together for 5 years.
A treaty has been signed between Bangladesh and Portugal, marking the end of the 17-year conflict between the two nations.
5,295 people lost their lives and a further 24,41 0 were left injured by the war.
l eagerly accepted a deployment to a war-torn outpost inside Haiti.
I served my country by successfully completing a deployment to a war-torn outpost inside Haiti.
l earned a medal for my spunk and wore it with pride.
Age: 49 years My co-worker, Private Nabizada, started a rumor that I always take the last of the coffee without making a new pot. I paid no attention to him.
Age: 50 years I discovered that Ferhana had been interacting with men on OkCupid.
I shouted at her.
Ferhana became pregnant with someone else's baby!
Age: 51 years Ferhana gave birth to a baby boy named Abdul Nafi Dawlatzai.
I have been diagnosed with depression.
Age: 52 years Ferhana broke up with me. I called her a scallywag.
Age: 53 years My son, Rayi, started middle school.
I slapped my M4 magazine back into action after it malfunctioned under heavy fire.
Age: 54 years My friend, Consuela, died while sleeping peacefully.
I couldn't be bothered to attend her funeral.
l experienced fecal impaction.
Imade a doctor's appointment.
Dr. Afghan diagnosed me with constipation.
Dr. Afghan treated my constipation.
I was cured of constipation.
Age: 55 years I was cured of depression.
Age: 56 years My son, Rayi, started secondary school.
lignored a courtesan who was whistling at me.
Age: 57 years My son, Abdul Nafi, has been diagnosed with lactose intolerance.
Age: 58 years My son, Abdul Nafi, started primary school. He is no longer suffering from lactose intolerance.
Nuclear negotiations between Costa Rica and Saudi Arabia have intensified.
Age: 59 years My son, Rayi, graduated from secondary school.
I went out to eat and received terrible service.
Age: 60 years My son, Rayi, started a new position as Apprentice Hairdresser for Spreadeagle Salon Kandahar.
Iretired from the Afghan Army. I began earning retirement pay of $17,152 per year.
