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c. 01 - the beginning

point of view; saphira

My heart was racing and I could feel how the adrenaline was rushing through my whole body. My breath started to fasten up and it felt like there was not enough air in this room anymore. It felt like I was suffocating because of no air. This feeling just got myself more anxiety and I was starting to feel lightheaded. The first tears form in my eyes and I clutch my chest in fear and try to concentrate on my breathing.

The reason for this anxiety attack was due to my insecurity about being accepted in this family. My mother had taken me and my older sister to a family reunion.

"Hello," I greeted everyone as I entered the hall in order to be polite and not have to hear later that I was rude. I obviously wasn't greeted back, which immediately unsettled me. So my older sister came into the hall and greeted her everyone was happy and got a few hellos straight away, she went straight to my maternal aunt at one of the bar tables that could be seen in the hall.

"Come on," my mother simply said and asked me to follow her. In just a few seconds I knew where she was going, to my grandparents.

"Well, you found your way here too," said my grandmother, as always, coldly and monotonously as she examined my mother and then me.

"Of course mother. You know the children, they just need time until they find something to wear," my mother laughed while hugging my grandma and grandpa.

"And you, still the little quiet mouse we know," my grandpa laughed at me, whereupon I just gave him a forced laugh and nodded slightly.

"She will probably always be that way," my mother commented, whereupon I looked down at the floor.

"Two more families will be joining us later," my grandpa grinned at my mother, whereupon she smiled and nodded while taking a glass of champagne from a waiter.

"I'll probably need that," my mother laughed, pouring the glass of champagne down her throat in one gulp.

"Do you want to go to your sister and your aunt?" my mother asked me with a gentle smile. I looked at her emotionlessly while I nodded and made my way to the two of them. Meanwhile I could already feel the tension and restlessness in my body. While I I ran to them and felt the looks of both of them, my aunt looked at me coldly and annoyed while my sister just looked at me emotionlessly before she turned back to my aunt and continued talking.

Just that one look from my aunt made my thoughts start circling in my head. The feeling of being unwanted occurred as it often does when we have a family gathering.

"What brings you here?" my aunt asked me, visibly annoyed, as I stood next to them.

"Mom said I should come to you," I answered while briefly looking into her eyes, but then immediately turning my gaze to my sister, who smiled slightly at me.

My sister Camila's smile didn't reassure me, even though she probably only meant well when she smiled. The thoughts remained and destroyed more and more of my mental state. The strength to fight against the attack I already feel is becoming more and more difficult.

I'll never be welcome in my family and that's probably just because I'm quiet and not like my sister. My older sister Camila is simply much more open to strangers or people she hasn't seen for a long time. She goes to them and immediately feels comfortable with them.

While I rarely speak openly with my family. I am only open with my mother, sister and father, unless it concerns my emotional situation, so I almost always close myself off and don't let anyone find out about it. My father is rarely at home as he is usually on work trips. My mother, on the other hand, is almost always at home except when she has to work at the company. In the company of the Romeros and the Sanchez, both families share the company and the management respectively. So far I have never met anyone from the Romeros or the Sanchez, the only thing I know is that my whole family works for them.

"Saphira, what are you doing now? "Are you still painting and reading books?" my aunt asked while her eyes were full of mockery.

"Yes," I answered briefly and briefly swept my gaze around the room. When I saw the buffer, I apologized to both of them briefly and disappeared towards the buffet and while I did this I felt my aunt's burning gaze and the restlessness inside increased instantly.

Any more looks and comments and I can no longer withstand this fight to hold back the impending attack.

When I got to the little cupcakes, I grabbed one straight away to get my sugar levels going again and calm my nerves a little. While I was eating the cupcakes I suddenly noticed more people talking and when I turned around I saw a lot more people than before. In any case, all the new people who came were not part of my family.

When I noticed looks from the strangers, I felt my heart slowly but surely plunge into a marathon and I clung to the table to steady myself.

Now I have to find my mother as quickly as possible. But before I could start running I noticed a body next to me and I quickly looked to my left. My gaze met light brown, warm brown eyes that looked at me questioningly.

"Are you okay?" the guy asked me. He has brown curls, is muscular and is definitely a head taller than me. His voice was gentle but his body exuded authority, which I could imagine was his voice isn't always so soft.

"Yes," I answer quietly, turning my head away from him since he noticed I was staring at him.

"Secure? "The way you're clinging to the table and your legs are shaking, I doubt it," he spoke again, but this time not as gently as before but a little more sternly.

"I don't know what that concerns you," I said and immediately felt bad because he was worried and I blocked it. But what do you expect from me? Strangers are simply a threat to my brain.

"Be careful how you talk to me, otherwise you'll regret it, sunshine," he whispered sternly in my ear.

It won't be long before my anxiety attack takes over my body.

I looked at the strange man with watery eyes and ran into the crowd to find my mother.

"And how did the conversation with a strange man go? I never expected you to be able to talk to strangers," my aunt ran towards me and stood in my way.

"Don't hope for anything. You remain the black duckling in the family and the guy most likely knows that himself," she laughed and looked at me mockingly before running away, leaving me standing in the middle of the crowd.

In a few seconds I felt my breathing quicken, the tightness in my chest, my heart start to race and I started to shake. The first tears gathered in my eyes as I looked at the floor and noticed how my body was changing. The thoughts were circling in my head and the desire to just disappear took over.

While I was fighting with myself and trying to find a solution to calm myself down as quickly as possible so that no one would notice, I raised my eyes briefly while trying to blink away the tears. I looked directly into the eyes of the brown curly head from the buffet.
When I noticed him running towards me I hit a chest as I ran backwards to get away from him.

——————T o b e c o n t i n u e d —————