Dormant

Chapter 11

Natasha

13 missed calls, 20 texts, and 5 voicemails. I've never gone a full week without talking to my mother, but this week was just harder than others. Looking into my phone was just a constant reminder of my mom waiting for a response back.

I contemplated on going back home for thanksgiving break, but I didn't feel like dealing with my mother. It made me feel like shit, but I didn't choose to distance myself from her. She did.

I forced myself to pick up the phone and dial her number. My chin rested on my palm as I sat in the quietness of my apartment, my feet shaking anxiously. The phone rang for a few moments, until she finally answered with a nasty tone.

"Is there a reason why you decided to call me now?"

"I-I didn't get your notifications, my phones on do not disturb because I'm usually busy."

"And now you're not? After I've been calling you since break started?"

I bite my tongue and withhold myself from snapping at her. "I just called to say Happy Thanksgiving. Tell Jonah and Marcus I say hi."

"They're right here." That's all she says before my eardrums burst from my brothers' shouts. I smile at the sound of their voices, my heart warming at Jonah's mispronunciation of 'Thanksgiving'.

"Happy thanksgiving." I don't get the chance to fully speak to them because of my mom's rush to get back on the phone with me.

"Are you with someone? Is that why you're busy all the time?"

"Mom, please." All I want to do is hear the voice of my mother who once actually loved me.

"If you're in a relationship with a girl, I want you to tell me right now." I can tell that she's now stepped outside of whatever room she was in because of my brothers' voices fading away once she shut a door.

"Because I can obviously come to you about anything, right?" I snapped, seething into my phone and sitting up in my couch.

"Natasha, watch your tone."

I almost begin spitting profanities at her, but manage to refrain from doing so. "You can't even consider the fact that I'm not answering because I don't want to talk to you! Why can't you ever take accountability for your actions?"

"Why can't you just go back to normal?"

Ladies and gentlemen, the award winning question that we've all been waiting for. I never thought she'd actually ask me that out loud, but I guess she can't stop wondering if I ever will go back to normal.

"This is normal for me mom, and unless you want to love and support me for who I am, you can just leave me the fuck alone." My voice breaks at the end of my sentence. I slam my index finger on the end call button and nearly toss my phone across the room.

No matter how hard I try, a tear manages to escape from my eye. I don't want to let it get to me, but it does. The heart aching feeling of worthlessness brings more tears to my eyes, and eventually I'm sobbing in the middle of my room.

I gather enough courage to grab my journal and a pen from my desk, and head out to the balcony of my apartment. With a nice mug filled with coffee, I sit on a plastic chair and watch over the slightly busy neighborhood. I glance down into my journal as my pen begins to move, my leg shaking anxiously as it overlaps the other.

11/24/23

I just got off the phone with my mother after a heated conversation. It's like I can't even talk to her anymore. She's always saying she doesn't know who I am anymore, and I can say the same about her. I miss the way she looked at me with love, and not disgust. Even though she had the habit of not paying attention to me and making me feel like I wasn't good enough, she still showed me that she loved me.

The way she hugged me tight after an intense day at school. The way she made sure I had the right food in my lunchbox for practice. The way she was the loudest person in the crowd during my games.

Now, we can't even talk without her bringing up the fact that I like girls. She acts like it's a choice, but little does she know I've been trying to force myself to like guys. But no matter how hard I tried, there was one person that I couldn't keep my eyes off. Tristian Liao.

I treated her like shit yet I wanted to kiss her so bad. For years. She was the one person who was able to get me all hot and bothered without doing a thing, and it pissed me off. That's why I was so glad to learn that we weren't attending the same college, that was until she just recently transferred from Colombia.

I'm rambling, but I just wanted to get this off my chest.

With one last aggressive period, I calmly shut my journal and place it on the patio table. My shoulders deflate just as I get a nice warm sip of my coffee, and suddenly life feels worth living again. After scrubbing my dry tears off my face in the bathroom, I get a ping from my phone beside me.

From: The Tommy Fan-club

Logan: my family is annoying me. coming back tomorrow, are any of yall free?

Nat: I am :)

Logan: We know. Anyone else?

Nat: Wow.

A.J: back from my trip :p who missed me ?

Logan: no one. are you free tomorrow ?

A.J: i don't feel appreciated, so no.

Logan: great. who else is free?

Violet: Just arrived today. Couldn't take any more of my uncles conspiracy theories.

Monte: Tommy is sick, but I'll be there tomorrow. you guys wanna get drunk????

Logan: Yes.

Violet: Please.

A.J: Fine i'll go :)

Nat: I won't drink but I'll come :)

Monte: Yayyyy <3333333 see you guys tomorrow.

Monte: oh wait nat, did tristian go back home for break? I was thinking we could invite her.

Nat: Let's not do that!

Violet: Can't believe i'm saying this, but maybe we should. that dinner was a complete disaster.

Logan: okay good i thought i was the only one.

Nat: Guys...

Monte: pleaseeee, it'll be fun!! let's see how fun she is when she lets loose

A.J: who is tristian?

Nat: you guys are REALLY annoying

Logan: we love you too :)

A.J: HELLO??? who the fuck is tristian?????

Nat: no one. just a friend.

I let out a loud groan as I throw my head back and swing the bathroom door open. I don't have Tristian's number, so now I get the luxury of walking to her apartment. I'm going to need another intense journal session after this.