11th grade was hard in the new class. I was used to always having company, and then, suddenly, I found myself completely alone. No matter how much I spend time with my colleagues, they never seemed to really see me.
I was going home that day, hoping that I'll meet a few people from my past. Hopefully someone specific from my past school.
I've just passed through the town square and went towards Independence Park. A big park with playgrounds and tall trees whose roots made hills in the pavement. The tram line went right next to it, and I sat at the window. I saw the swings in the park and thought of her. On the 17th of March, one day after her birthday, two years ago, we came here, in this exact playground, and listened to silly love songs while playing like children. All the colors and feelings are so clear to me even to this day. I've never felt so blessed and appreciated in my life.
The stop of the tram woke me up from the nostalgic daydream. At the next stop, I peeked through the window and saw a familiar face sitting on the station bench.
So my prayers have been heard.
I'm sure the doors opened with a crack, but I couldn't hear them because of my shaky breathing and ringing in my ears. I was busy beating violently with my fist and fingers on the window, unable to think through all the emotions that I felt. A few people were left to get off, and I remained unmoving, with my hand splayed on the glass and staring in her eyes. I went numb and I couldn't even think of moving towards the door.
At the last moment, she looked up at me. I was so dizzy, then my vision went darker. I thought I'd faint, but at least she'd be the last thing I saw. Without any hesitation, she stood and got on the tram on the exact other side. We met in the middle.
“I thought you were going the other way, toward the train station. You live there. “ I managed to mutter, nervously grabbing her hand.
She just smiled mildly and said: “I moved.” She looked down when she paused. “Sorry.”
It clicked right there. That all the letters that I sent, they never got to the right person. Even if someone read them, they never meant anything more than words on a page and silly drawings made by my clumsy hand. It felt like not just the letters were in vain, but also every adventure I had with her.
She felt my wandering gaze on her face, and she looked up with those mesmerizing eyes of hers. “Let me make it up to you.” In a low whisper, she finally said. “Let me” She leaned over and grabbed my waist with that perfect, mischievous smile. “take you home one last time.”
I gladly accepted and we sat together until it was time to get off the tram. I couldn't bring myself to tell her about all the letters and tears that I spent on her. She would have been even more shattered than I was.
I laid my head on her shoulder and recalled what she told me earlier. “What do you mean ‘one last time’?” I glanced at her noble expression. “Do you not want to see me anytime after this?”
“It's not that. I'm moving again tomorrow. This time to a new city.”
My mouth went dry as my eyes widened. “Where? Close?”
She frowned and rubbed her eyes. “In the capital… But I'll send you my address. This time you'll know where I live.” she tried to keep me calm.
I just nodded and turned to the window. We watched the bright sky. It was slightly pink from the light, and a few flattened clouds covered it. In the distance, above the town square, a bigger cloud looked like a pyramid. I imagined a god sitting on the slightly flat top, looking down to all the others beneath him. Even they had hierarchies.
It was time to get off. Just like in the old times, we walked on the riverside and discussed. Firstly about my frustrating desk mate, from whom I had to move away immediately, that's how much I was repulsed by him. “He literally has these very annoying habits, like always moving his legs one over the other, and he keeps rubbing the sole of his shoe on my jeans, or shaking his head from side to side like he has mental problems.” I blurted out, gesturing wildly. “And he has no friends. He's so antisocial, I feel like he's dragging me down just sitting next to me.” I sighed with my head hung low.
Secondly, we talked about how come I changed schools. I told her that I couldn't keep up with the subjects, so I transferred to the other class, the easier one, but I couldn't find my place. At first, everyone was nice and, well, tolerating, but then, many of them turned me the cold shoulder. Even the few people with whom I got along well were shadowed by the ones who always tried to avoid me, so I went back to my old classmates. I went there every time I could, but I still felt like I was losing things from all directions, like it was a losing game.
“Shit, you're not gonna cry, are you?” She asked after my rant, ogling me playfully. “I ain't good with feels.”
I chuckled and grabbed her elbow. Almost all the tension was relieved.
We've just arrived in front of my house, and she turned to face me, grabbing my shoulders. “Take your problems one by one. And take care.”She smiled and hugged me when she saw a single tear in my eyes. We said our sweet goodbyes and separated.
While I was opening the gate, she screamed from the end of the street. “Hey Nicole! I love you!” She waved her hand to get my attention. “I love many things about you! Let others find them too!” And that was the last time I heard her golden voice.
I haven't received any letter from her. Or anyone from the capital for that matter. But I moved forward and, when the time came that I could finally breathe a sigh of relief about life, I wrote her a final letter, thanking her for everything.
“I don't know what could have prepared me for that feeling. The unbearable feeling of loneliness that came with not having my soulmate with me. I feel like I didn't appreciate you enough, while I still had you loving me unconditionally (even after I broke your nail one day after you just put them on).”
I know what she would have said if she read this paragraph. “You were the only one in that whole damn school who appreciated me! Take back your words!” Then she would have gotten softer and said: “I love you.”
I sent the letter at her old address. Maybe the person that lives there will read them and understand something, or not. But I did, and that's what's important.
