It has taken over my mind. Something that my brain says its okay when the sun goes down but when it comes backed up, well, I'm broken. Not the same. Trying to hide it from the world when it is eating away at me. To others it may not be a big deal, like when I used to steal food from fellow peers in 2nd grade. Almost silly to worry about.
The only thing to cure my mind is surrounding myself with others, books, and music that speaks to me. Telling me everyone makes mistakes, even though it really wasn't. I let myself do it. After I told myself it wasn't ok, I still did it, but a short time after that I stopped almost horrified. Now a days I keep a distance from this monster. Realizing that it is just a swing in life. Almost like when all you could do is fantasize about your elementary school crush, wondering if they like you too. Letting that eat away at you as well, thinking that you embarrassed yourself when you walked by, but you really didn't.
Sometimes I need a reminder that I'm still young. Not fully exposed to the world for a reason. Lately I have been balancing on a fine line of realty and the many rooms of my brain. Digging up old things that have been left in the dust and probably should have stayed there, but we also have to remember, maybe these things come up for a good reason. To teach us a lesson, which we know life is full of. Even if it is a bit life changing is some ways you don't want it to, it was probably going to come up sooner or later, by a friend or me just doing what I did. To be honest it started from both.
I need to get over it and start a new swing. Start obsessing over something that will make me feel wonderful, instead of something that makes me feel like it brought me a step down in life. Even thought today it feels like I did something bad, tomorrow will it matter? How about in a year? Guessing not. It may still tie a knot in my stomach thinking about how stupid I was and how it seems a little disturbing. But as we all get older the things that seem big to us now will seem tiny to us later. Just always remember that one thing will not change you. If you keep repeating it after you know its wrong, then it will.
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