Fyodor was the first ever one to actually care for me. He took me in,he gave me a place to live,he gave me a place to work.He made me important,and never judged me for my unique and complicated character. He was the first one to ever understand me.He never hated or looked any other way at me.That's why I look up to him.I thought he was my dearest friend...until...I felt that.
That little spark inside of me.Everytime I looked at Fyodor,I felt myself melting like an ice cream at the sun in summer.I felt like flying off earth like stars on the starry sky,waiting to be touched.I was like that. Redder than the tomato itself! I was in the clouds, acting stupid around him,and acting like a fifth grader when he saw his crush.I tried ignoring the feeling,yet it became powerful.Powerful by each second spent with Fyodor.
All I've ever wanted is freedom.But if I love Fyodor,I could never live with these feelings.Love is a cage for people,the cage that would let you locked up inside.The kind that would make you bleed for someone,the kind of cage that'd make you slowly go insane,and beg to be freed,until you end your life. All I've ever wanted was to be free.Like a bird.Birds can fly high.They are free from these sins and corrupted people on this planet.I wish I could have wings,and fly...fly somewhere high.Away.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A shiver.Goosebumps.Slowly,the moon is back on the sky,like every night.The constellations connecting theirselves together,making one, looked like a spider web on the black sky,sprayed with stars and shooting stars.The air was cold,like Fyodor's hands.It freezed at the sudden touch,but soft.The quiet shudder of trees and their leaves was enough to make them flinch.
Fyodor was reading a book.As usual.While Nikolai was sitting criss-cross on the floor made out of wood, freezing of how cold was the floor.He rested his head on Fyodor's leg,but the black haired male aggressively moved Nikolai's head off his thighs. Nikolai scoffed,and he lifted himself off the ground,slowly walking over to the window.
'The moon is so pretty,Dos-kun" Nikolai grinned and looked at the unbothered Fyodor.Nikolai pouted and whimpered slightly "C'mon Dos-kun! Stop reading!" Nikolai smiled and came closer to Fyodor,blushing slightly.He sighed and took Fyodor's ushanka off his head,which the russian quickly closed the book and looked pissed off at Nikolai "Nikolai.I'm tired, stop your games for now" Fyodor coldly answered."C'mon,Dos-kun! Let's look at the stars together!" Nikolai smiled at Fyodor,and slightly closed his eyes, looking away.Fyodor scoffed and lifted himself off the armchair he was sitting on.He couldn't even walk properly of how tired he was.Fyodor stands next to Nikolai,which was blushing seeing the other's face illuminated by the moon.The colourful constellations played a show on the sky,a colour show.
Nikolai grinned widely and looked at Fyodor, slightly blushing and grabbed his hand.Fyodor lightly slapped Nikolai's hand off his.
"Dos-kun....."
"I don't want to hear it,Nikolai"
"Why are you so grumpy all the time,Dos-kun?" Nikolai frowned and raised his voice a bit.
"How dare you talk to me like that?!" Fyodor turned to look at Nikolai,clearly annoyed. "I could kill you in a second,know your place"
"But Dos-kun.....we're friends.I'm more than just a co-worker....right?" Nikolai's voice was shaking,out of fear towards Fyodor.He wasn't smiling anymore.
"...."
"Fyodor."
"Yes"
"I like you" Nikolai looked away,feeling like he was going to be slapped any second now,maybe even killed.Silence was heard from Fyodor,just his breathing was heard.
"Nikolai.How dare you sin?! You're one of those gays?" Fyodor speaked with such a disgust towards Nikolai.As if he was a freak for liking his best friend. Nikolai turned to Fyodor,crying,with tears streaming down his face.He was sobbing without a stop, and he closed his eyes,not wanting to look Fyodor in the eyes.
"You have no right to even be in the organization anymore.Go to church to see a priest.I bet not even him can cure the gay sickness" Fyodor scoffed and looked at Nikolai in a such a disgusted way.He walked off near Nikolai,over to the door,and walked out of it,simply leaving Nikolai alone in the room.
He was sobbing as if somebody killed his family. Fyodor was like a God for Nikolai.If Fyodor told Nikolai to kill himself,he would probably do it. He really believed now that he was such a disgusting freak,and he was really one step close to throwing himself off a building.But all he could do right now was sob and hope he could actually cure himself of the 'gay sickness'.
The end :D
A//N: omg I was so scared to post this.
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Not your sweetheart || Fyolai angst
FanfictionFyolai angst,a portrait of how I think the real fyolai would be like... Nikolai had developted fluttering feelings for Fyodor,that locked him deeper in his emotions cage.He thought that if he would accept his feelings to his friend,that'd free him...
