My Life By: Cookiemagicl

Chapter 101: Omg

  Omg im so happy rn she came over and just left and we cuddled im jumping like a little kid on a sugar rush. I didn't think anything would happen like that but wow i can't even.
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Its been more than a week since then (that was Sat the 25th of nov) and things have gone very very interestingly...
On monday of that week we were a little nervous but both of us were so giddy and such. We spent that week all cutesy, she even made me a drawing and gave it to me as a suprise. Her friends found out that day cuz she started to laugh so hard out of nervousness she was as red as a tomato. I still hold that drawing quite dearly. Things were going so smoothly.
Saturday i went to her house around 5PM. I was gonna sleep over and we had plans to go and walk to a park to eat dinner at a food truck and watch some anime, draw and play genshin when we got back. The burger was good but the dragon fruit ice scream was the best.
Anyways we got back and watched anime then we went to her room to draw but lets just say we got a bit distracted. I pulled her into my lap and told her to tell me what she wanted to say a few days ago when we were sitting at a bench under a tree at school. I knew she wanted to kiss me, and i did too, i just wanted her to say it. She was embarrassed but after a while she came out and said it. Then we kissed and we stayed kissing on her bed.
Im a shit kisser, i have no experience with making out and that was very clear to me and she was reassuring me and slightly guiding me but i still suck ass at it. But i do know one thing, even she said it that im really good with "body" stuff (i kept kissing down her neck and may have left a few hickies on her collarbones...
We left it at that and then just cuddled until it was time for us to sleep. The next morning i got up and brushed my teeth and we immediately started again... I didn't expect things to go so far. I jokingly told her when she was over me that she could take of her shirt cuz she had to keep fixing it or her boob would fall out lol. As things got more and more heated she told me to take of the shirt. I asked her if she was sure she wanted that and she said yes so i pulled of her tank top and started kissing lower. Thats when I realized that this was getting pretty serious.
We were very quickly moving more and she wanted me to take off my shirt... i kind of regret it cuz i hate showing off my body and i let her see it... she didn't say anything that i can remember about it just kissed it here and there... i did most of the kisses in the torso area tho... i feel a little immature but i wished she told me she liked my body as much as i did with hers...
Dont get me wrong im not complementing her to get it back, I genuinely think she's stunning, i just feel so uninteresting. I dont think i was ready for "the deed" but i was on my period so i wouldn't have to worry too much about that. I was willing to help her get "off" because i could tell she was excited considering how much she rocked her hips towards me when we kissed.
I was worried though... she's a great person and her ex boyfriend was one hell of a motherfucker. Whenever they did that he would only pleasure himself and when she asked him to do things that she would like he wouldn't do them. I wanted her to know what it was like when someone actually wanted to please her (in which case i really wanted to do good, so not kissing well made me sad). We stopped before it got to that though and i think that was better for us. We spent that day all cuddled up on the bed, smooching here and there.
I knew once i left i was gonna miss it and i was right. I missed it really badly. The warmth that it was to be laying with her and the small little pecks that made my heart fill with joy. So i was very affected when it almost seemed like she didn't care i was gone. We talked later that night (yesterday) and she mentioned she saw the pillows on the bed and missed the feeling. I told her i was relieved cuz it almost felt like i was the only one who cared. I started getting more and more sad and anxious when i realized in reality i did care too much and that wasn't reciprocated. I was stuck to her like gum and she just felt distant. She did miss it but definitely not as much as me.
I dont get to feel like that ever, the feeling of being loved... so even if its not perfect, i was enjoying it so much. The second it got taken away and then i wasnt reassured it made me feel so lonely. I feel like a child for feeling this way... she expresses her affection in a different way and thats ok but i need constant reassurance because of the way i grew up with my family history...
Relationships need to have balance. She didn't like hugs all that much so i toned down my physical affection for her. I like physical affection and words of endearment and it almost feels like i never got that. You have to make sacrifices and in a sense mold yourself to fit better to the person, she even said that herself and i agree wholeheartedly. I just felt like that wasn't coming back to me...
Today she cried in the evening. I cried seeing her so sad. I feel horrible for speaking out about how i felt sad that my feelings weren't being reciprocated. She said she was scared of running away from us. I told her I wasn't going to let her. It almost seemed like she was trying to tell me she was afraid of losing her feelings for me.
She told me she always feels very neutral about kissing. It only feels good with context. She's also learning to be allowed to like people and show that (we had a talk a few days before about how she thought it wasn't okay to be all cutesy and hug and stuff). She told me that to her, sex with her ex wasn't good it just felt like an obligation and that she felt he really liked her body. I told her i wasn't like that.
Its true her body is beautiful but so is the rest of her. I fell for her because she's intelligent and kind and i feel comfortable around her. There's a warmth when we can talk or just sit in silence together and it not be awkward.
Im worried though... that i made the wrong choice, that im starting to regret this relationship... i want to feel wanted and i get that feeling only very periodically. I feel so silly and childish and the last thing i want is to hurt her. I want her to be happy, thats one of the first things i thought about when i started liking her. I wanted to be better than her ex, i wanted to treat her like the queen she is. Whenever i think about how i don't feel as wanted though i start to doubt myself... maybe me and her weren't meant to be? I want us to be though.
I want her to grow from this either way. She needs to learn that she can love and that she can hurt from past scars that are still open. I want to help heal them and i genuinely want to be someone she wants as much as i want her.
I very clearly still like her now that i type this out. The only reason i have doubts is because i wish she liked me more. She had been very much in the same wavelength as i was before, so what changed? Did i fail to meet her expectations? What can I do to change that? What can i do to be better? What can i do to make her like me the same way i like her? I just wish i was enough... not just for her but for me as well.

Day: December 4th, 2023, Thursday
Time posted: 9:49 PM