November 29, 2023
I noticed that it has been raining these days, probably because it's the winter season. Rain is the alternate of snow for tropical countries such as the one I live in.
I woke up quite early today, around three am in the morning, i think, just to finish my schoolworks that were due today. This day also marks the last day of my mother's boyfriend of staying at the house.
As I work on my study desk, I can hear the sounds of their chattering and the fixing of their things; my brother that is going to school, my mother preparing herself in front of the mirror to deliver my brother to school and her boyfriend to the bus station. I can also hear her boyfriend's shoes as it makes contact with the floor. All of it was happening as I sat here minding my own business questioning whether my answer in this math problem is correct.
I suddenly wished that the rain would go strong to the point where they would declare that classes are suspended, but my brother hushed me because my mother's boyfriend's take off was today. When I realized that, I said a quiet "just kidding," hoping that the Lord would not take heed of my former request.
When all of them were already done preparing, the head of my mother's boyfriend suddenly popped up by the door, bidding goodbyes and "take cares" which shocked me truly, because I wasn't expecting that. I thought that he would just walk out of our door quietly. And I don't know why but what he did made me emotional that my tears immediately went up to my eyes, but I had to stop it from streaming down because my mother would freak out and ask repeatedly what's wrong. It made me emotional because every time that I would go to school and he was still here in our house, I never once bid my goodbyes to him, only my mom. It made me so emotional that the moment I heard the motor they were using fade from my ears, I broke down to tears. My heart hurts as I try to stop myself from crying so hard, paranoid that someone might hear me and that my eyes will get puffy from crying too much.
As I tried to quiet down my sobbing, I tried to search my brain as to why I am reacting like this. That was when I realized that I have the trauma of people leaving me. I remembered how my dad would also have to go back out of the country every year he came back home. Even if we hadn't been talking for a lot of years.
That was when I realized that I did not want to have any regrets, I wanted the people who come by my life to receive the best and nice version of me, especially when they are connected to the persons that I love most, and for this situation, my mother's boyfriend.
And one of the reasons that I feel like this is because I feel bad and sorry for mom because her greatest love is already going home. He was only here for a few days to celebrate my mother's birthday together. I hope they made the best out of their time. He was a nice guy, and I can see that he truly loves my mother. Maybe one day, when I am extremely wealthy, maybe I would permit him to live with my mother in a house that I will one day give them. I like him for my mother. But I don't know if I would like him to be my father.
