Dear Harry

Dear Harry,
It's been a long time since we talked. I wonder if you're okay, but I don't know if I have the right to do that. I don't even know if it's fair to write this letter after what I did to you.
I'll be totally honest with you, it's not the first time I've tried to write something thinking about you. I wrote entire lyrics while you hovered in my mind, invading my thoughts and making everything too... obvious.
It's weird to say that. It reminds me of those days... I don't need to say it, right? You know what I'm talking about. Those afternoons spent together, in warm blankets, in our little apartment. Remember how happy we were? It was our little bubble, our corner of paradise away from the suffering the world caused us. We tried to stay away for so long... but not everything lasts forever. I decided to burst that bubble before it was too late... even if maybe it was already.
I don't know exactly what I want to tell you with this letter. I don't know if I want to remember our moments, if I want to relive our love, if I want to justify myself or if I just want to apologize.
It's all confused in my head since I left you. You were the one who put my world in order, the same world that has now collapsed and is falling apart, day after day. I don't know if karma punished me, but I think you know how everything is going wrong, how everyone I care about is disappearing overnight, leaving me in the middle of a dark room. The little light at the end of the tunnel gets smaller and weaker. I've always been afraid of the dark, remember? In fact, I'm terrified of the future, I want to go back to the past, to that comforting past where you were, all of you... where you were.
At night, when I have bad days, I try to imagine you next to me, cuddling or whispering comforting words just to let me know that in the end I am not alone, that there will always be someone watching over me. Then in the morning my illusion ends and everything around me goes back to being grey and off.
When I walk around, I try to look happy, with fans I put on one of my best smiles... but I bet you know that. You already know that I lie, you know me well, you know what my spontaneous smiles are. Or maybe you just forgot.
I've been reading the gossip pages a lot lately. I know, it's not like me. But everyone kept talking about your new girlfriend, and I just wanted to find out about her. Now I feel like a total intruder, in fact, I definitely am and I'm sorry.
I know I'm hurting myself as I write these words, but I also know I deserve it.
I really apologize, Harry, for all the pain, all the harm I've done to you. I remember when your teary green eyes looked at me and I felt like a little bug. I waited for you to crush me, but you didn't. You just apologized. Even today I wonder why you did it, there was no reason, I was the one who was abandoning you, who was hurting you... but your goodness and your innocence made sure you didn't hate me. At least at the time.
I do not know if you will answer the letter, if I will send it. I do not expect anything, not a "I accept your apology" or a "don't worry, it's been years". I just hope you understand Harry. I hope you know.
I'll never forget you. This universe has made us separate but I am sure that in all the others we love each other, and we are together, living the life that has been taken from us... I miss you every day I don't see you.
I really miss you, Harry.
Yours, forever, Louis.