memento mori.

chapter five

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IT took me until we were sat at the stretched dining table in our eighth floor apartment to realise I hadn't eaten much of anything all day. I also realised I wasn't hungry.

"Would you stop doing that? It's making me queasy." Ruby watched with disgust coating her bright pink eyes as I prodded at my plate of food. It was once a steak with mashed potato and green beans on the side but it had since become a concoction of slowly greying mush.

I dropped my fork, embarrassed I'd been caught, I looked up to see everyone else eating with ease, especially Alistar who had not only finished his plate but had gotten a second serving too. "I'm sorry... I must've lost my appetite for today." My hand awkwardly moved to the back of my neck, weaving my fingers into strands of my hair.

Poplin shook her head, at first, I expected her to berate me; call me ungrateful, but she instead looked to me and smiled. "That's perfectly normal." She gestured to someone behind me, an avox — a woman — gathered up my plate and napkins, keeping her head down as she did so. I whispered a thank you.

"Just promise me you'll eat something before you go to sleep, yes? You'll wake up with a headache otherwise." She twirled her fork in a sea of lettuce and tomatoes.

I slumped back in the bendy seat, pursing my lips. "If you promise to talk to us about training first. Doesn't even seem like you think we stand a chance. You've barely looked at us all day."

I didn't like how flippant Poplin had been with us, the only bit of advice we'd gotten from her was to smile and be nice. Both of which would be useless in the games when it really came down to it. To me, it looked like Poplin didn't have any faith in either of her tributes this year and if she did, she was hiding it very well. In Alistar's case, it wasn't like there'd never been a fourteen year old victor, — there'd only been one, but that could be easily changed. If she had such little hope that either of us would win, she may as well just kill us in our sleep now.

Ruby gasped, dropping her cutlery onto the table. "Beatrix! You will show your mentor some respect!" Her hands briefly clenched before flexing out, she then placed her hands in her lap, as if not used to having such an outburst. Marigold and Alistar's stylists kept their heads down, continuing to eat but giving each other knowing looks.

"Ruby... It's quite alright." Poplin quietly said, she looked over at me and smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Beatrix, I understand how you must be feeling, both of you... It's scary... Confusing and horrible, you're just children..." She looked down and brought her hand up to rub the outer corners of her eyes. "I'm sorry I've been distant to you both - I'm aware I have been. I've not done this in a long time, mentoring, Cecelia is a lot better at it than me." She let out a humourless laugh.

Poplin pushed back her chair and stood up, tossing her napkin over her empty plate that was quickly scooped up by the same avox. "It's difficult to look at you both, alright? There hasn't been a District Eight victor in years so forgive me if I'm not filled with excitement at the idea of training you, teaching you, getting to know you, only to have to watch you be murdered in cold blood for sport." Her voice had gotten louder, her hands were clenched but they weren't shaking, I sat upright in my chair, a familiar heaviness in my chest returning.

I watched her for a moment, her quivering lip, her frantic, darting eyes. It looked as if she was going to say something else but instead she stepped back from the table and walked out the room, presumably going to her quarters.

"Well, Beatrix, I hope you're happy." Ruby said with a scoff.

I wasn't. 

── ⋆⋅☆⋅⋆ ──

EVENTUALLY I did eat and I felt somewhat better, which made me feel worse for how I'd upset Poplin. Currently, I was standing in my room, for how large it was, it felt empty and hollow. The bed was perfectly made with not a single crease in sight. The video on my windows was that of a mountain with endless snow raining down on it, reminding me of powdered sugar falling onto cakes.

I suddenly realised I hadn't thought about my parents since I'd last seen them and I wasn't sure why. Perhaps it was for the better, there was nothing that I could do that would help me see them, whether in person or on a screen. I hoped they weren't thinking of me, a ridiculous idea to have of course. I was probably all they talked about today, if they'd even said two words to each other.

A knock on my door pulled me from my thoughts and I prepared myself to be met with Poplin or Ruby, a nice argument before bed.

"Come in."

The small frame of Alistar's shadow trapped a breath in my throat. The light from the hall briefly illuminated the room, my crumpled clothes in a pile on a chair, the untouched bed, the now finished plate of food.

"Can I sleep in here? I'm not used to sleeping on my own." He shuffled inside with his arms nervously at his sides, tugging at the hem of his pyjama shirt, the door shutting silently behind him.

My arms snaked their way around my stomach, every time I saw him it looked like he was getting smaller and smaller and suddenly, I realised exactly how Poplin felt.

"Of course..." My voice was barley above a whisper, I wasn't sure it had made it's way to him so I moved to the side in an effort to show him the bed, letting him know he was welcome.

He nodded and smiled, quickly making his way into the bed and getting himself comfortable, going as far as to push the unnecessary pillows onto the floor. I couldn't help but laugh as I watched him; seeing him get cozy so quickly made me feel tired, so I joined him in the large bed with silk silver sheets.

I stared at the ever snowing mountain in front of me, curling myself into a ball as tightly as I could, I wasn't sure if Alistar had fallen asleep already as he was just as silent as me but I heard him beginning to shuffle around in the bed, unsure where to place himself.

"Beatrix..." He said after some more fidgeting. Slowly, I uncurled my body and moved onto my back, turning my head to look at him, I smiled seeing he was in the same position. "Is she right? Are we just gonna die?" The light from the video lit up his face perfectly, I could see the tracks of tears that had been rolling down his cheeks moments before he knocked on my door.

Wordlessly, I sat up slightly and pulled him into a hug, one that he was more than happy to take part in, he snuggled his head against my collarbone and shoulder, his hands balled up against his chest and my side. I hadn't let out a breath yet, as I feared my body would betray me and I would finally start to cry.

"Alistar... I promise I will not let anything happen to you."

word count: 1267