Tense

Lowest

                           Word count;571

                           Tw;ED,weight

                                                       

                                   Me at my biggest 275 pounds.Over eating or not eating at all,hiding who I was.Depressed anxiety filled.Using the lies put in my head thinking that it was the real me,using it as a wall.In reality the real me is who i am now.I was told i was a girly girl whatever that means ,but it was a skin forced on me along with the other lies.i didn't know that was i didn't know i could be something else.i didn't find myself till i left the house filled with lies and found my home,then i found me.I found who i was and lost the weight found happiness,all slowly though it took four years.Only then did the skin come off and the wall collapse .i am still filled with anxiety sometimes but i am the happiest i've ever been.words still trigger attacks sometimes but not as often as before.Honestly i will probably never be 100% anxiety free or depression free but i am better than ever.75 pounds down so far and losing more,even having a bit of confidence.i relate to sad songs and poems and even now write my own ,some how it helps.somehow i made it though ,but only with the help of yellow and bubby and maybe a couple of others.I just keep on feeling like nothing I do is right.Sadly I've felt this way my whole life.My grades aren't high enough no matter how hard i try.My accomplishments not as grand as the rest.My influence not positive enough.I live my life forever being compared to everyone else.Why not be like your aunt.Why not just do it.Why are you not in advanced classes.When I was your age.Why have you not lost that weight ,you'd look so much better.You need to act like a girl.Why are you so tall,guys only like short girls.Why not wear makeup, you'd look so much better,a guy won't like you if you don't.Why do you have an undercut,you look like a dike.How come you changed,your not that sweet little girl anymore.How come your not confident anymore.Why don't you dress up more,dont wear baggy clothes all the time.Well.People grow up.I'm not confident because my whole life you've shown me to think this way.When you spend your life hearing these put downs ,you start to believe it.You believe your fat no matter how much weight you loose.You believe your not good enough.How will i ever be good enough?Enough for a significant other,let alone a spouse.Enough to have children one day.Enough for a job.Enough to keep taking up space in this world.I can now normally let things slide off my back,but all growing up fully believed the mean things said to me,honestly i sometimes still do.I just feel like nothing i do will ever be right,will ever be good enough.But i am human...... right? I can't be perfect...right?or do i have to be.Will i ever be good enough for anything,or anyone.The words spoken in my past,haunt my present.The words heard when i was young linger in the back of my mind just waiting to emerge from the darkest corner.The corner of self harm,the corner of eating disorders.The corner of a past that i can't change.I am human,I am not perfect.I will mess up.I will lose and gain weight .I am enough.The true question is what do i believe? Do I believe the words of my past or the new words as they are all stuck in my head.