♥︎

My name

"Youthful and downy" is its Latin translation. It represents grace, elegance and beauty. It symbolizes a strong and confident woman, one who is both ornate and strong-willed. I wasn't named after anyone specific. My mother says it makes sense that I have this name, yet I don't see it. I am neither graceful nor elegant. I know I have beauty, yet not as much as I want. I know I look young since I am, and I have downy skin from genetics; but it doesn't match my face.

Julianna sounds like a sweet girl, a pretty girl, a soft girl, a patient girl. She has a pretty face and a smooth voice. She is kind and gentle and friends with everyone she meets. She has the grace of a princess, not the attitude of a sailor. She can fit into anything she tries and has the confidence of the Sun. She sounds like the perfect girl, who has no struggles or insecurities. She sounds like a perfect flower that everyone has in their garden. She sounds like a light pink that every little girl wants to wear. She sounds like a goddess, a queen, an appealing girl. She doesn't sound like me.

I sound like Julz. Julz is the girl who cannot cook or clean to save her life. Julz is the girl who wants to sound sweet but always comes across rude. She wants to be pretty but will never be skinny. She wants to be liked and be respected by others, yet she can't seem to speak up for herself. She is the sailor who wants to be the princess. She cries when she cannot fit into sizes she could before. She wants to be a star but is instead a small, cold, planet. She is a wilting weed, she is the color red. She isn't perfect; she struggles and is insecure. She is me.

If I weren't Julz or Julianna, I'd be Honora. Honora means "Woman of Honor." Honora sounds like what I want to be. But I'm not her. I am Julz, I am Julianna. I am not a perfect princess yet I'm not a complete mess. I may not be elegant, yet I have confidence. I may not be skinny, but I am still beautiful. I embrace my flaws and my imperfections. I am both Julz and Julianna. I am a red rose, whose thorns are sharper than knives. Julz is Yin and Julianna is Yang; they are two different people, but they are me.