~Marauders~
Remus, holding a rock: Sirius just gave this to me and said, "I feel like you deserve the moon, but all I can give you is a rock."
Lily: If you don't marry them, I will.
Peter: Honk.
Sirius: WHAT.
Peter: HONK.
Sirius: WHAT DOES HONK MEAN THIS TIME YOU WHIMSICAL PIECE OF SHIT?????
James: Your smile? It makes my day.
Lily: Your happiness? I live for that.
Remus: A room? Get one.
Sirius: Hotel? Trivago.
Peter: Would you rather kill Lily, or—
Sirius: Yes, kill them.
Peter: I didn’t say the other thing—
Sirius: I don’t need to hear it.
Lily: …I’m feeling a little unsafe.
Peter: *Reading a letter*
Lily: Well, what does it say?
Peter: It’s a confession letter. It turns out Sirius killed my pet rock.
Remus: *Stands in trash can.*
Sirius: Remus, not again! You're not trash. You're at least recycling!
~Wolfstar~
Sirius: Remus, you love me, right?
Remus: Normally I’d say yes without hesitation, but I feel like this is going somewhere I won’t like.
Remus, throwing their head into Sirius's lap: Tell me I'm pretty!
Sirius, lovingly stroking their hair: You're pretty fucking annoying, that's what you are.
Sirius: I want to kiss you.
Remus, not paying attention: What?
Sirius: I said if you die, I wont miss you.
Sirius: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?
Remus: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.
Sirius: I like your new pants!
Remus: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Sirius: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
Remus: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.
Sirius: Thats’s… not what I meant.
Remus: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Sirius.
Remus: Sorry I’m late, I was doing things.
Sirius: Hi, I’m ‘things’.
Sirius: There are 20 letters in the alphabet, right?
Remus: Nope, there's 26.
Sirius: Ah, I must have forgotten U, R, A, Q, T.
Remus: Aww, that's cute, but you're still missing one.
Sirius: You'll get the D later ;).
~Jegulus~
Regulus: Well, James and I finally did it!
The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*
Regulus: That's right... We kissed!
James: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!
Regulus: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?
James: I don't know, surprise me!
Regulus: *dangling from a rope over a pit of fire* Remember when I said I’d tell you when we’re in too deep?
James: Yes?
Regulus: We’re in too deep.
Regulus: You know my motto: carpe diem, carpe noctem, carpe coles.
James: Seize the day, seize the night, what’s the last one?
Regulus: Seize the dick.
James: Kill me nowwwww.
Regulus: Sorry, no can do. I need your help with my homework.
James: How do I tell Regulus that I want them to yell at me like they're Gordon Ramsay and I'm a poor little chef who just ruined a crème brûlée?
Regulus: I am the left brain, I am the left brain. "I work really hard until my inevitable death" brain. You've got a job to do, you better do it right and the right way is with the left brain's might.
James: I LIKE OREOS AND PUSSY-
James: Two bros!
Regulus: Chillin' in a hot tub!
James and Regulus, in unison: Zero feet apart 'cause we're GAY AS FUCK!
James: It doesn’t have a bone.
Regulus: Then why is it called a boner?
James: Regulus, why are you crying?
Regulus: This book is so sad!!
James, picking it up: But this is my diary-
~Jily~
Lily: Hey, it’s your turn to wash the dishes.
James: I’ll wash the walls red with your blood.
Lily: Okay, but before that, wash the dishes. Also, use soap this time.
Lily: Heh, James sneezes like a girl.
James: How about I pound you like boy?
James: That didn’t come out right.
Lily: The first time James opened a box of Cheerios and looked inside they yelled, "OH WOW! DONUT SEEDS!"
James: Do you think sex without love is a sin?
Lily: If it is, I’ll see you in hell.
James, to Lily: How do you tell someone politely you want to hit them with a brick?
James: Lily and I are no longer dating.
Lily: James, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.
James: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.
Lily: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.
Lily: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot James is? Because James is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass.
James: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.
Lily: Marry me.
Lily: You have to apologize to them James.
James: Fine! But I must warn you that this might make me a better, nicer person and that is NOT the person you fell in love with!
Lily: Hey, James, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
James: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
Lily: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
James: Can't really say I have.
Lily: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
James: Sorry, Lily. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.
