story of my life

the shit is real

i changed from that day that dude broke my heart i was never the same ofter i was noo longer that cheerful girl whose very happy outgoing i was very driven to succeed and hold my head up in the world i was already in love with the 20 years old of the me i desined i was unstoppable i always knew what i have to do and i always had a clue on how to pull myself up on my feet
but i got broken that flashed all of my insecurities that made me feel less damm fat ugly lonely deep inside i kept it inside beacause i didn't want to show people or let's say my best friend i didn't want to show them that i loved some ugly short stupid boy i didn't want them to know that i spent my nights thinking about him i didn't want them to see me weak on top of all bad taits i though i had by then but the truth is i didn't have them it just my way to glow up
so the only way out i though it was to run away froom my friend group i just wanted a fresh start every time but i was hurted and i thought i can fix me it took me very long time to heal my self and cure my injuries yes it left a scar that scar blocked my heart and never let me open it to no one else and every time i was claiming that the reason was money and me being poor = no boufriend so i would think about clothes hair nails and blablabla and that blocked my receptor meanwhile i was and still perfectly fine but  yeah you now the rest of the story
what did midd rania do she isolated her self from the world she kept her self a mistery to the world she hide an run away from even a litlle flame that could tickle her in the back yess das what she did she created a deep whole and called it a room she closed the door which is social media she blocked all of her friend wich it could've been the rope that could take her out and as that would require a little bit of effort from her side she literally throw it away very far that she couldn't see it anymore she protected her self in a very bad way that she can't v)believe that she did something like that now she created a new world for her self an empty world she sleeps eats binge watch youtube and netflix workount 1 in 10 days pray to god and ask him a lot of things and you know what even if god answers her prayers and put every thing she wanted in her hand she would find a way and get back to that fucking ugly world of hers she built a very high walls and she's not letting her close family give her a hand to get out because again she doesn't want anyone to see her weak or make fun of her insecurities or the stupidest reasons that made her do this to her self she don't want others to hurt her feelings but the question that wee all ask here WHY THE FUCK IS SHE TORTURING HER SELF ? WHY IS SHE HURTING HERSELF SO BADLY TO THE POINT THAT NO BODY ELSE COULD COMPETE WITH HER ? weird very weird id she loves herself that much why doesn't she do something a real something that gets her out of the hook but know she's become weak she gets irritated very easly can't stand talking to people because she doesn't want any person to see even a little detail of the crime she's attempting she's hopeless can't take a rejection oo she said i had a lot i don't want anymore
but as i'm writting she said come on i tried to be someone important a lot of times i tried to be lawyer  and i faught for it i tried to be a docter and i faught for it i tried to be a successful business analyst and i  faught for it and i get rejected
i want to tell her reread that sentence and take a very close look and tell me is that it is that enough did you really do enough work look think do you really think that you deserve very litttle effort from you the position of that person who  you dream to become is not that easy to level up to it you've got to burn the world for it miss that person is not that cheap she's not for everybody she's not a goal accomplish it whith two tasks
now you raised the white falg as i see you gave up you lost the battles and do you really want to know why?
i can tell you why miss because you was fighting against your self you was too busy subotaging your self and trying to win the battle but you lost and you will never win it why again because that was a fake battle created by your own mind to protect you from the true battle outside you should've not faught against your self at first place; that broken heart, that fear from getting judged  secretly, that anger that pain you hold caused by rejection you faced that loneliness that weakness that poverty that neediness for external providing that dependency to a dad who doesn't understand your character and everything alike that's the material of the wall you built to close the whole instead of building a wall and resigning to your protective toxic mind instead of staring at that wall and cursing your own lack after losing that fake battle you can embrace it because after all those are your emotions see that these are yours you can use them for your own good that pain that anger that poverty that loneliness are blessings sent by god to lift you out of the whole didn't you prayed and asked for help here you go you got an answer a devine answer these kind of gifts are only for true worriors who can really fight
and yes you may say god could've just get me out of the hook or send someone to me ah ah no honey you won't survive outside if you get out that easy you won't like it if you get a human help and yo don't really need any person why? because you have you you're not against you anymore
the sad news here is that the wall covering the whole that you had broken, ( just a little decision inside your head = say i beark the wall and it will beark down ) that very wall fall inside of the whole where you were trapped in, you got injured very badly you got hurt again and you felt like that game of life is over but here's the good news you stil alive you won't die infact you are a newborn and as we all know a fresh start is nothing without a clean space so you need to get figure out how to take out the pieces of wall out of your space ( the whole ) when you can't even get out of you got rid of all th ropes remember?
so what we do now? there two options; OPTION A : arrange those pieces build a table a chair to seat on it and make it comfortable enough and live happily ever after cuz the battle is over as we know and you're already heald you will live anonymously lonely unbothered until you die as a random miss
or OPTION B: well m not going to lie to you this option is much harder but you have  to know it anyway see those pieces you will build a stair starting from the bottom to the top but remember the whole is so deep right so the stairs will break down just like lego tower and here you still have the coise to get bach to choise a ( see that's the hardest part ) you can every time get back to option a but you still also stick with the option B  try and try to build the stairs and expect them to fall every second that's why you should update your movement every single time the stairs fall ccuz excuse me but you'd look stupid rebuilding with that previous plan and bare in mind the stairs will get done eventually even if it takes time it will get done and it will get done exactly on the day when you reach that physical and mental state of a winner and the stairs will keep on falling untill you level up mentally and physically by extension And that day you will climb the stairs so easly ( weel trained building it already) and you will stand in the light you craved so bad when you was trying to build the stairs that light will make you apreciate  every sweat you dropped. it's so light out there right but you will outshine that light as if you're a very precious authentic unique diamand and by then you'll have a story to tell to your sons . 
i want to keep updating my story so i don't miss any part of it later on
so currently i'm in the post- fallen-wall state i'm still in the whole but i already made my choice which is ofc the option B the hardest choice BUT THE MOST EXCITING ONE i'm currently makin a plan on how to build the stairs wich me lack
the whole : poverty , dependency on people, pretty but don't show it, lonely, always anxious don't now where to start from and what to do
the light: rich, gorgeous, popular, business owner,
chapter 2: build the stairs
i started looking for a job to make money and start my glow up

i started on building my first step ; i applied to a lot jobs i daydreamed about my new job which i should've not do i woke up very late at 11 am and i kept looking for a job the wholde day at 5 pm i got a call from a real estate agency and the one who called invited me to an interview tomorrow at 3 pm so i had a shower i blow dried my hair a painted my nails and started to watch buying Beverly hills show on Netflix which is all about RE so yess that's my progress for today

today i woke up very late like at 11 in the morning binge watched snapchat stories and YouTube shorts and then did a beautiful makeup i put on some nice clothes and and went to the job interview it was in the nicest place ever i really liked it and the interview process went smooth nom Im waiting for my response tomorrow at 5 pm "wish me the best of luck" and when i got back home i ate bad food literally 0 protein and got out my Winter clothes and i arranged my word robe i'm very excited to fill it up with the prettiest clothes ever
and yes i forgot to tell you that today i passed by my dream tech company FOCUS i really want to work in there and be a very precious important person i hesitated on going in there i really wanted to enter and say hi is there an internship program coming i want to work here and blabla but i didn't for some reason but i kept thinking about the whole entire way back home
It's been a week since the wall has fallen today I got a vehicle from the real estate agency and I think I'm accepted I'm very excited very happy I have no idea about the salary how many hours am I going to make sorry am I going to work in my day but I'm very excited that I'm going to leave my house finally and go to do something no I'm very excited I'm going to get myself ready for tomorrow choose at least two outfits and let the journey begin this is the first step I build it it's ready I can step on it now I think I don't know what's coming next but the first step is done the source of money is the hardest step is the first step is going to lead to some others a lot of others to get me out of the whole I feel so ready that I've never been before I'm so ready to wake up everyday and go to work so ready to feel that I'm doing doing something producing something making money that's very exciting I am leveling up mentally and physically I am glowing mentally and physically I am choosing the next level of myself me and I I care about me I love me I am very happy that I found a job I will keep it until I'm not going to need it anymore this week is going to be very exciting this week will introduce me to the real me that I wanted to be this week will be the prettiest weeks ever in my life I attract happiness I attract beauty I attract physical glow I attract beautiful spirits I attract the best people in these country I attract the richest people in this country I am now a friend with every successful person that I meet I make tons of friends in these little period of time this week will introduce me to the real me I will still remember this week until the rest of my life because this week will be the shift the turn on them how to say it like the way out
I am smart I'm a very good communicator I know how to communicate effectively I'm the best communicator I am very intelligent I am very smart I know what to do when to do things I'm very excited to start this New journey I'm very very very excited to get to know me
I attract beauty I attract money I attract successful rich friends I attract a lot of good spirits and I'm aligned with a rich luxurious version of me the next one I attract easy peasy life like everything will come to my hand everything is easy everything goes with me perfectly everything is easy with me if I want to something then it will happen if I want to do something then every single creature of these universe every single atomic part of this universe will align with my desire My desire every single atomic part of this universe will stand in the line to help me to make it easy for me to make it doable because I am a door I would love to do it thank you me for doing it I love you keep it up I'll check on you later