I woke up suddenly crying and sweating profusely,it was the same nightmare again just there's a new variable in it this time around.My megrim is back and I already discarded the drugs since it has been long I experience it. I remembered my conversation with my Therapist.
"Ronald, when last do you have your nightmare, megrim and sleep walk?"
'Hmmm,it has been a while I didn't have a dream nor sleep walk although I sometimes experience megrim, but I think it's related to stress"
"That's a good sign, and what do you think hindered it?"
"I really don't know, maybe because I am buried In Music and didn't have time to wallow in self pity"
She jotted something down and continue with her questions.
"Well, music is a therapy on it own, but you knew it's just a temporary escape route you still have to take the bull by its horn only then will you be able to have your freedom and peace of mind ".
"Reality or illusion whichever is the case I don't think I will be able to save nor forgive myself ".
"Ronald,I regard you as my little brother and I am saying this from experience before you can be able to cure your condition completely,you have to firstly forgive yourself,stop wallowing in self guit, it's not going to solve anything "
"But I think this is perfect for me, the pain I regard it as punishment even lesser let it be the atonement on my part ".
"You should not be thinking that way and trust me it's not your fault,I understand and feel what you are going through,it pains me too I am not sugar coating it just because I want you to have a good impression of me but I really do understand you".
Miss Rojas I said 'I knew I'm being a coward but I can't, it's killing me,if only…'I choked on my words,it has reached the stage no matter how I tried to cry I won't shed a single tears,my eyes is like a dried ocean.
"trust me when I said you aren't being a coward.your pain, regret, guilt and your past I'm not saying or asking you to forget it or pretend it never happened that's not going to work instead analyse it , know your shortcomings, your strength and accept it".
Hmmmm I sighed.
"That's the only way and learn to forgive yourself, sometimes we aren't in control of what happens or will happen to us but learning to navigate through, seeing it as a lesson and not as failures will enable us to be triumphant in the end".
I looked at her deep in though,her words were like an arrow piercing through me,I suddenly have the urge to liberate myself, accept everything as it is, learn to forgive and not to forget.
With a new found determination I looked up and met her encouraging eye and said" I am glad you are my therapist Miss Rojas you future family will be truly lucky to have you,I promise to work on it".
I said bowing dramatically.
"And that's more like you the cheerful and carefree Ronald, when will you get to smile ".
Hopefully soon. I then turned to leave, but she called before I stepped foot outside Ronald! "How about your social interaction?".
" Ma,I prefer loneliness,I find solitude in it"."of course like Adam Grant once said "most of us find solitude in it without feeling isolated but the cure is more meaningful interaction not frequent interaction.What matter most for well being is the quality of connection not the quantity".
I just sighed." Will you consider volunteering in the social welfare program I once mentioned?".
'I will think about it', that was my reply.
Hopefully not, the dream is still fresh in my memory,my defence come breaking down,all the courage I picked when I was with her come crashing down.I don't think I will be out of the darkness that's consuming me.
The alarm rang indicating 6 am, time for my early routine. I put on my ash track suit and wear my blue converse and my earpod and set out of the house.
On a normal day,I will jog for like one hour but today I am feeling down,I will be done in thirty minutes time as I reach the junction where I always take a break.
I saw someone running past me,her back looked like the girl I saw at the restaurant and we are both wearing the same track suit.I start to run inorder to catch up with her,I remembered Henry said she live next door,are they the same people I wonder.
"Hey it's you" I call as we are now running side by side." Pardon" she said instead.
"Sorry,I mistook you for someone else".
"It's all right, I'm Helen by the way I moved into this neighborhood with my parents recently are you an old resident?".
I was not in the mood for talk, what concern me with her life,I would have shun her but Miss Rojas words clearly ring in my ear," don't come off rude, always act friendly".
I just smiled wryly," sorry but I don't give name". and run past her.
The sun has already rise, when I got home.I quickly went to the bathroom to freshen up, after I was done, I move to the kitchen to prepared a toast bread,I then heard a knock.
I wonder who is here,if it's Henry he won't bother to knock and that reminds me the password I planned on changing.I open the door to be met with a pair of loving eyes I once used to see.
A wave of nostalgia envelope me." I brought this small dishes hope you don't mind" I am looking at her unable to speak I think she misunderstood my speechless act and quickly added"My family and I just moved to this apartment, we are your new neighbor".
I want to reject her gift and tell her to get the hell away from me, that she is just pretending to be nice like someone, but I am unable to say anything,I don't even know when I collected it from her and started thanking her repeatedly.
If I tell miss Rojas about how I felt comfortable with a stranger, she will be over the moon.
"You are so skinny,I bet you don't eat on time do you live alone?" I found myself replying nodding my head, although I don't like talking about my family.
"You are welcome at our place anytime" she patted me and left.
I was famished, so I quickly dig into the food she brought,I just want to take a bite,I don't know when I finished the whole plate.I must say her cooking is top notch,five star hotel chef can't be compared to her cooking.
That leave her to compete with my mom,I wonder who would have won.
At that time,my phone buzz indicating an incoming call,the screen show a restricted number.
" Hello" I said but the other end is silent I am about to end the call when I heard mom voice, 'your father is sick,he asked of you'.
Mom,I call' is that what you are going to say to me?'." Yes, Ronald you should hurry back home".
For all I care I retort and end the call.
A message then popped up,incase I change my mind stating the address of the hospital.
As if I care,I never will he now remembered he knew someone with the name Ronald now that he is near is death bed I will now be Robb into forgiving him with their petty talks, No way I am going to forgive him and myself.
My head suddenly become throbbing,my hemicrania is resurfacing, this time I actually feel I am going to die.No ! I scream on top of my lung as the past memories flashed
through my eyes.
A/N
What do you think about Miss Rojas words?
Comments your opinions and don't forget to vote.
Till next, stay safe
Radhe Radhe.
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