never knew I could feel like this. - JAYWON

one - first sparks.

Jay doesn't feel anything. He doesn't know how. He doesn't know when it started. Maybe when his dad died. Without a single warning on a warm spring day. A car crash took him out of his life and that was that. No tears, just a whole nothing. Or maybe it was just like this his whole life. Did he feel ever anything at all? Love, anger, sadness, everything he reads about in his books – is it possible for him to feel like this? Jay doesn't know. He can't remember. No warmth is in his body, almost dead – just like his father. He just wants to lay down, let this nothing take over and close his eyes. But there's still this little bit of something in him that holds on. Holds on to this meaningless life. Sometimes he lays in bed alone at night and asks himself, how he survived this day. How he masked his face to get trough conversations with his friends, the costumers in his part-job and handled his classes. He knows he smiles, because he was told, he has a beautiful smile. He knows he shows signs of anger, because his pout is cute. He knows, it is possible for him, to show his adoration for his friends, because they like his hugs. But he can't feel any of it. It's just nothing inside of him.

He has come to the point, where he has accepted it. It is like this, it will never change. It's okay, he guesses.

***

It was another day. Another day of this indescribable nothing. Jay was working in this little bookstore near campus to pay for his tuition fees and living expenses. He likes the smell of fresh books surrounding him, it's not a hectical job, but still fair paid and he gets discount on every book they have. Books, he reads when he's not loaded with exams or giving in to expected social activities like meeting up with friends. It's not that he absolutely hates it, but immerse in a world full of imagined scenarios and catch a glimpse about the characters emotions sounds way better than this.

It should've been a typical day. Nothing out of the ordinary. He's standing behind the counter, starring at the display of bookmarks next to the cash register, waiting for costumers. His chin lays in the palm of his hand, while his elbow is propped up on the counter. It must look lazy, but he's kind of too spaced out to realize. 

"Excuse me?", a soft-spoken voice startles Jay and he quickly turns to the person.

Silk. That's what comes to Jays mind, when he looks at the shiny, chocolate brown hair. The bubbles of his Boba milk tea, he sometimes gets after class. That's what the obsidian eyes look like. The shape of them are sharp, but also kind of soft, almost like a cat. Strawberry tinted lips. Jay isn't sure when he ever looked this long and close at a person. 

"I- I would like to pay... Am I right here?" Again Jay has to blink a few times to snap out of it.

The most beautiful eyes look insecure at him and he nods. "Yeah, sorry."

Then the person smiles and something in Jay happens – he isn't sure what exactly. For now he scans the book and can't help the raising of his eyebrow.

"You don't have to look this judging...", the boy – Jay just assumes for now – murmurs a little offended.

"Sorry", Jay apologizes again. "It's just- 'Twilight'? Really?"

"I know it's not a literary masterpiece, quite the opposite. It's more- how do I put it? Nostalgic reasons? My sister was a huge fan and dragged me to read it and now it's a memory with her. Sometimes when I miss her, I read it. Unfortunately my dumb roommate spilled his coffee on my original. So I had to buy it again..."

Jay is dumbfounded. He didn't expect that the boy got that much into detail. But he finds it endearing. However the boy probably could've read the menu of McDonalds to him and he would gladly listen. Strange...

"Cute", is what Jay says instead and the boy looks a little shocked at him. A light blush stains his cheeks and Jay finds it just adorable.

"W-what?"

"Your story", Jay clarifies, "The thing with your sister. It's very cute." 'And you' is what he also wants to say, but he doesn't want to make it awkward.

"Ah", the boy replies with a slight stutter, "y-yeah I guess." He lowers his gaze to the floor and bites on his lip.

Jay doesn't know what to reply to this, even he has to urge to keep their little chat going. Instead he packs the book in a paper bag, puts a bookmark with the logo of the shop in it and pushes it towards the boy. "That would be fifteen dollar, please."

When they exchange the money, their fingertips touch and Jay almost drops the bills. This small contact between them ignites something in him. He knows he looks confused and there's a deep furrow between his eyebrows. So it's no wonder that the boy asks if everything's okay. It's not, but Jay just nods and hands him his change.

"Alright. See ya", the boy says skeptical, maybe even concerned, before he focuses on Jays chest. "uh- Jay!" Then he smiles – pearly small teeth on display – waves and leaves.

"B-bye- uhm...", Jay hastily replies, still processing how the boy got his name.

"Jungwon. And your nametag", the boy shouts on the doorstep before the bell rings and he's finally gone.

Oh. Jay feels comparatively stupid. The thought of his nametag didn't even come to his mind. Just like asking for the others name. But well Jungwon beat him in both.

Jungwon. A pretty name. Jay stares at his hand. The one, that touched Jungwon. Now he can assign the sensation from before. His fingertips begin to tingle.

They begin to feel warm.