why can't I be heather?

why won't you ever kiss me (wish I were heather)

Chanhee skipped through the halls of the classroom with an ear to ear smile, it was the day! After years and years of trying to gather up the courage to finally confess his love to this one very certain boy, here he is with a freshly picked rose in his hand.

The day before today, Juyeon and him had some sort of romantic interaction with each other. Juyeon gave him a sweater, and it fit well around Chanhee's figure, like a glove. They cuddled up in Juyeon's room all day, playing games with laughs of glee filling the air. Chanhee was so sure about this! It was okay if he didn't get a 'yes' for an answer, a simple thank you or a kind rejection was alright for him, Chanhee would understand. Would he?

The pink haired boy has a paper bag in his other hand, where Juyeon's sweater sat, neatly washed and folded. It smelt like strawberries, like Chanhee.

Chanhee told Juyeon earlier to meet him at the botanical garden of their school, the perfect place for the most romantic confession. Although Chanhee was grinning ear to ear, a part inside of him is getting nervous as each step is made on the marble floor. This was evident due to the sweating of his palms, and the constant licking of his lips, which seems to be a habit of his whenever he's anxious or nervous.

Chanhee reaches the said botanical garden, this time with slow steps. The smell of different kinds of fragrance from the flowers and other kinds of plants filled his nostrils, he tried his very hardest to not sneeze at the smell.

His pupils moved around the garden, searching for a particular man. Chanhee's toes occasionally tiptoes as he's searching, this was partly due to the nervousness that he can't just shrug off.

Chanhee's lips formed a smile as he finally saw what he was looking for, but it immediately disappeared after a moment, forming a frown this time.

His mood immediately shifted as he saw Juyeon. With another woman. It was obvious that they were together.

Chanhee's eyes immediately clouded with tears. He felt a huge mix of emotions surge through his veins; anger, sadness, and despair.

He didn't even get a chance to tell his feelings.

Chanhee rips the rose into pieces, veins almost popping out of the back of his hand, as red petals fall one by one to the ground. He even injures himself in the process, due to the sharp thorns of the rose, as crimson red blood oozes out of his skin. The pain was bearable, it almost felt numb. But the pain he felt in his heart though... it was unbearable, he didn't feel numb, he felt every second of it, he felt the shredding of its pieces vividly. It was as if he felt the thorns of the roses stabbed directly to his heart.

Chanhee didn't mention it earlier, but there was this small part of him that was hoping. Hoping that he'll be answered with a 'yes', and that they'd be together, and become the sweetest couple in the school. Like he has dreamt of.

But maybe it was his fault. Maybe expecting was a mistake. A huge mistake. Chanhee knew deep down that it was one sided, why did he stay blind towards it? Towards the signs? It was obvious, but he only put attention into the sweet moments of them together. He assumed things that weren't true and inexistent in the first place.

It was his fault for being ungrateful of their friendship, and expecting more.

Chanhee walked away with heavy, but furiously fast steps from the botanical garden. The paper bag of Juyeon's sweater was left forgotten somewhere along the way.

If he were a woman, maybe loving Juyeon wouldn't be a sin.

Maybe he'd had a higher chance of expressing his love to the man. Maybe the entirety of this would be different.

But...

If Juyeon didn't love Chanhee, then why did he make Chanhee feel that way? Why did Juyeon make Chanhee feel.... Loved?

Was Chanhee's pain only his own fault?

He felt a firm grip on his wrist, but he refused to turn around. The answer was already clear as daylight, he didn't need any more explanation, nor hurting.

THE END.