PEZ

Disclaimer: Pez and Pop Rocks are name brands, and I do not own them.

Warning: This story contains so much randomness that mental injury may ensue. Enjoy! :)

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Steve was a very strange man.

For starters, he ate nothing but pixy sticks and gobstoppers. The only time I've ever seen him eat anything else was when he fell into a vat of toxic waste and swallowed about a gallon of the stuff. I mean, I can't even see how this guy is still alive!

Steve also happens to be my best friend. One fine evening, I invited him to my apartment for dinner. We hadn't seen each other in a while, and I also needed him to eat about a metric ton of candy that I unwillingly acquired.

We eventually wound up in front of the TV, and watched a few cheesy Korean soap operas with horribly translated subtitles. After that, we made it through all eight Harry Potter movies and half of Blazing Saddles before Steve stood up.

"I'm gonna go get a glass of water," he proclaimed. "And a few more pounds of candy."

I hummed in agreement, and paused the movie. Steve hadn't even taken two steps away from the sofa before he tripped over the corner of a coffee table and face planted into the floor. His head stayed where it was, but the rest of his body kept going forward, causing the front half of his neck to crack wide open. Blood shot everywhere as he began jerking around violently.

As if that wasn't shocking enough, baseball-sized pieces of Pez candy suddenly started flying out of his neck.

"What the hell?!?!?" I screamed as the Pez pieces soared across my apartment, obliterating everything in their path.

I had no idea what to do. My best friend had just transformed into a human Pez dispenser, and my home was rapidly being smashed to pieces. To make matters worse, I was already on shaky ground with the apartment owner over property damages.

Yelling, I picked up the nearest hard object, (which happened to be a baseball bat) and began swinging madly at the oncoming pieces of Pez. All I succeeded in doing was snapping the bat in half.

There was nothing I could do but watch as my ceiling fan was knocked to the floor, my TV became Swiss cheese, and my bookshelf was toppled over. One piece of Pez flew and hit my precious feline companion, Fluffy, pinning him to a wall with a surprised meowrrrr!!! He died instantly.

I dove behind the couch and grabbed my handgun, attempting to shoot the Pez pieces before they caused any more damage. It was working pretty well too, until the cops showed up. My next-door neighbor must have reported the gunshots.

The cops broke my door down, (which didn't take much as it already had hundreds of holes in it) and burst inside, stopping short when they saw Steve.

"Sweet lord!" one of them exclaimed. "I believe that man needs medical attention!"

It wasn't just Pez that was shooting out of my friend now, oh no! He was also coughing up Pop Rocks and bleeding sprinkles. Suddenly, Steve stood up and started walking around the room, despite his partial decapitation.

"RETREAT!!!!!" the cop yelled.

Before him or his partners could run out of the room, they were all struck square in the head with Pez pieces. The blow knocked their heads back, and their neck's cracked open just like Steve's had. Within a matter of seconds, all four of the cops began shooting Pez as well.

"What is wrong with this world?!?!?" I screamed at the top of my lungs. There was now so much Pez flying around that I dove under my kitchen table to avoid becoming a human dispenser as well.

There was nothing I could do but watch in horror, as my apartment was completely and utterly demolished. A couple Pez slammed into my oven, which happened to be on. The door was knocked off its hinges, and the heat lit some nearby newspaper on fire.

"Eeeeeeeek!!!" I screamed as the flames spread to the rest of the kitchen. I scrambled out from under the table (smart move, as it was made of wood) and ran out of the front door and into the hallway.

It seemed as if everyone on my floor had come to see what the ruckus was about, because about fifty people were crowded around my apartment, demanding to know what was going on.

"Don't eat Pez! Ever!" I yelled.

I looked back through the door, and saw that the fire had caused the sprinklers to go off. I also saw that Steve and the cops were coughing up an awful lot of Pop Rocks.

"Hit the deck!" I screamed just as the water hit the Pop Rocks. There was a straight-up mushroom cloud as the two reacted with each other, and exploded with an unearthly KABOOM.

The entire apartment building shook with the explosion as we were all knocked to the ground, screaming. Everybody but me got up ran for their lives as soon as the blast had ended, yelling about how they were never eating sugar again.

I cautiously stepped into my apartment, and looked around at the damage. Everything inside had been pulverized by the Pez, burnt by the fire, and scattered by the Pop Rocks explosion. Steve and the cops appeared to have burst into thousands of normal-sized pieces of Pez, not much of a surprise given what had just happened.

Fluffy was still pinned to the wall, and a few small fires still burned in various places around the room. There wasn't a single object still intact.

And that's the story of how I got kicked out of my apartment.