It's 7:00 pm and no one is home.
Got myself feeling like a strange thing that doesn't even know what it actually is.
My boyfriend (Steven) told me that I was a freak , oh thanks.
I opened my facebook and there was a message from him. Wait what??
Kate i think we should break up.
What the fuck??!!
Me : why?? What have I done?
Steven:nothing but just .. Tbh I just can't stay with you anymore , can't stay with a girl that has cutting-scars on her hand , just can't handle how people stare at it and blame me like I made you do it. Sorry I just can't.
Hahahaha really? What the hell!! I just could not reply I sat there staring at my laptop reading his message over and over. So he really cares about people staring at my scares and he doesn't care WHY they exsist.
And all his sweat words and the love he gave me was just fake ?!
The promises we made? When he promised that he'll never let me down?? When he promised that he'll make my fear my power?? How can someone just do this?? I kept reading the message again and again , he must be kidding of course. But I decided to talk. I decided to say what's inside me so I wrote with wet hands (because I was earsing my tears)
Ohh really? Okay just gotta tell you something , hun.
Those scars that you didn't like people staring at them were because of YOU. I wonderd if you even felt good about me one day. I kept telling myself that one day you'll realise but DAMN you're a rock!! You ruined everything. EVERYTHING. Anyway , doesn't even matter for someone without feelings like you , thank you.
Every letter was followed by a tear , but every word was from the heart. He broke me a lot and a lot and I kept telling myself that he'll change but he didn't. Or no he did. TO WORSE. Really how can anyone do this.
I slapped myself just to make sure that I'm awake and unfortunately I am.
Why is life doing this to me?! Why?? Why did he let me go so easily?? It doesn't matter why what really matters is How.
How did he do this.
I kept cryng and crying for hours and then I fell asleep.
I felt nothing. Nothing. Which is the best feeling in the world.
I woke up and opened my laptop and there was a message from him , but just because the internet was too slow I had to wait a while and then it did open.
It was just Turn around.
I turned around and he was carrying a bouqet of roses.
"It's just a joke of course," he said smiling , and then he opened his arms so I kind of ran to him but when I almost reached him he .. Slapped me?
"Hey , Kate!! Kate," My sister Sarah woke me up.
"What," I looked up at her she looked damn worried.
"What's wrong with you," she asked holding my arm.
"Wrong," I wondered. What? What have I done?!
"I just got in and you were kicking your bed and kind of screaming like you were going to faint or something,"
"It was a nightmare," I just realised that I woke up and he did really break up with me and it was no joke.
"Why did you wake me up? Don't let anyone wake me up and just wish me not to," I said/shouted and looked away.
I wasn't actually going to sleep again I wonder if I even can but just as usual will stay there pretending to be asleep and thinking about death.
I felt Sarah's hand on my shoulder and after a moment or two she said "why are you crying,"
Crying asleep? Oh well. "Crying," I asked.
"Your mascara," I looked in the mirror and yeah I was like crying asleep.
I got up and got out of the room saying "whatever , doesn't really matter," and sarah was like what the hell is wrong with you but whatever I acted like I didn't realise her re-action.
I went to the bathroom and stared at myself in the mirror the one who used to be happy. Who used to laugh and love life , now crying and can't help herself and knows deep down that she won't anyone help her.
I washed my face amd dried it and stared at myself again for moments and then got out and walked back to my room but I didn't sleep again , I opened my laptop and still no msgs from him there were just 3 messages from my best friend Lara.
1st : Kate!!
2nd : Did you really break up with Steve??
3rd: why!?????
I answered : because he is a dickhead. How did you know?
Lara:mike told me and says that he doesn't know why but of course he does cuz you know , he is his brother but anyway why????
Me : he told me he doesn't want to date a girl who's got scars on her hand and he hates people staring at it hahahahaha isn't it funny?
Lara: I'm coming.
She went offline as she typed her last sentence and I wouldn't like to think about calling her tbh.
I don't like anyone to hear my voice crying .. But she will SEE me which is worse. Which will make me feel worse (actually thinking about this is making me feel worse so I don't know if there is a feeling worser than this).
But no i'm not calling here.
After 30 minutes or so the doorbell rang in the first floor so I could hear my sister rushing downstairs to open it.
I could hear their conversation or some words from it.
Lara: Hi sarah.
Sarah: hi lara how ya doing?
Lara: i'm good , sorry but where is kate?
Sarah: she is in her room and she's acting weird , when I woke her up she was kicking his bed and crying asleep and she refuses to tell me why and then she shouted at me because I woke her up and she told me to wish her not to wake up again.
Lara:can I see her?
Sarah: of course.
Then the door was opened by her. I guess. Because I looked down and put my arms around my head.
"Kate," she said and ran to me.
"I don't believe what you are doing to yourself , this is not the Kate I know. I want you to listen to me very carefully , the weaker you become the stronger he gets. Turn your weakness into your pwer to break him. I want you to imagine with me what he is doing right now? Maybe having fun with some bitches (oh that makes me feel lots better) because he knows that you're doing this to yourself. He hears about you. But , when he hears that you are doing fine and you became much much stronger , that will make him regret. Regret and regret and he may ask you back but then you will have the ability to say no. The ability to break him like he did before , you see,"
"Yes," I kind of whispered half smiling (looks like I forgot how to).
I know that her words made me feel a bit better but yeah i'm not a memory-deleter machine.
After like 2 minutes of silence.
"We're going out," she said and seemed to excited.
"Now?? It's 8:00 Am,"
"Yes," she grabbed my hand and pushed me out of bed.
"Ten minutes and you'll be ready," she said and got out.
But she came back and said "NOW!" and got out again.
I'm going out which will probably make me feel better. But the only thing I know that I won't be like before anymore. Maybe stronger, maybe weaker , i don't know. But I just know one thing. I won't be like before anymore.
