Nanny McPhee: A ThesLally AU

Nine

Bunty Broadacre. The most vexing woman in town. She was not someone you'd want to settle down with. The more years go by, the more rumors start, and the more of them are about her three husbands deaths.

She rounded the corner into the yard, exclaiming loudly, "Look at them! Will you just look at them?" the children, stood stock-still in a line, watched as Mrs. Broadacre approached them, "Ah. The little, small things."

Samantha and Oliver exchanged looks as Theseus said, "Children! This is... um, Mrs. Broadacre."

She looked at him, "Oh, you mustn't start off on so formal a footing." she leaned in close to the children, "You must call me Auntie Bunty." she pinched Isabella's cheek and whipped her head harshly, "Oh, dear me. One does work up such thirst in this heat."

Theseus chuckled, not catching on at first. Then, he remembered why she was here, "Tea. Yes, of course. Do go through. I'll..."

"And leave these dear creatures?" she asked, rhetorically, "How can you ask it of me?"

She climbed the stoop and entered the house. Theseus sent a look of sarcastic enthusiasm to Nanny McPhee, before following Bunty into the house.

He opened the door to his study for her and she immediately said, "Oh, the heart of the house." turning to look at Theseus, "The old bachelor's den."

Theseus, rather uncomfortable, said, "Hm... well, I... I..."

"Isn't it enchanting?"

"Yes."

"Oh." she exclaimed, "Have you read all those books?"

"Well, I..."

"Clever."

Theseus took a deep breath, "Why don't you take my chair? It's, by far, the most comfortable."

"Thank you." as she sat down, she made a small noise, "Well, what have we here? I see there is already provision for a lady." she stood back up, "How thoughtful you are." she pushed past Theseus, "What a gentleman."

Theseus watched the chair just as he saw a small hand come out from behind with an arrow, "Wait! Um, just let me make it comfy for you."

"Too, too precious." Theseus grabbed the arrow and yanked at it, "Here in the center of the male dominion." Theseus pulled it free of Samantha's grasp and moved away from the chair, "An oasis of feminine charm and elegance."

"There! Just as I thought!" Theseus said, "Just dusty. Just needs... needs a good old thump." he kicked the chair just hard enough to make Samantha fall out of her crouched position, "There. All thumped and ready to go."

"There you go again." Bunty said with a wide smile, "Nothing is too much trouble for you." she sat down in the chair, "I remember observing on that very characteristic on the day you took care of my wolf problem. Even in my state of fear, I said to my friend, Miss Mary Lou. You remember her. A pinker complexion than my own." as Bunty was talking, Theseus noticed a spider being lowered onto Bunty's hair, "She takes a little too much sun for her age. Anyway, I said 'Kindness seems to be second nature to him. He is a perfect gentleman. There's something so masculine, and yet retiring in his manner, you could almost...'" Theseus saw Oliver at the window with a fishing rod, and he panicked and did the first thing he could think of and lunged at it, "Oh! Mr. Scamander!" Theseus, cringing at the position he just put himself in, reached beneath Bunty; searching for the spider. When he found it, he pulled it out and walked it over to the mantle, where he placed it inside a small box. He heard Bunty say, "No more. I pray you."

Theseus turned around and said, "I do beg your pardon. I don't know what came over me."

Bunty, holding her hair, stared at him, "I do. I understand. I never took you for such." Theseus held up a plate of finger sandwiches, "But now I see it. Passion is clearly your nature, too. I feel it." Isabella looked out from behind the desk as Bunty held the sandwich, "Who would have thought we were such kindred spirits? Passion is my life." as Bunty held the sandwich, Theseus saw the worm hanging out of it, "In fact, Mr. Scamander, what is life without it?" Theseus held up his hand, his heart in his throat, as she raised the sandwich to her mouth. Thankfully, she was still talking, "A gray wheel of habit spinning idly on." Bunty then put the sandwich in her mouth, making Theseus quite nervous she'd realize what she'd eaten. But she didn't and went to take another one, Theseus had to stop her.

"This is no time for food, Mrs. Broadacre!"

"Bunty!"

"No, I couldn't possibly swallow it, under the circumstances."

"You're tempestuous, Mr. Scamander."

"Tea?"

"Yes. Tea." she held up her cup for him to pour, "We must blanket the raw impulse with that reliable beverage." Theseus pour the contents out into her cup to realize that it wasn't tea, but frog eggs. He opened the lid and there was a frog inside the pot, "That's a nice bit of porcelain. Is it Spode? Tasteful. Anyway, it's so essential for upholding the normal..."

Theseus reached forward and grabbed her cup as she lifted it to her lips, "You don't want that!"

Bunty looked at him, "How right you are." she said, "You see into my inmost self. What is tea when we can drink from the nectar of our emotions?" Theseus looked up, worriedly, when he heard the familiar sound of wobbling jelly. He exhaled a shaky breath, "Let the common herd drink tea! Our souls need a more divine libation!" Samantha, standing behind the door, gave a signal for the jelly to stop right above Bunty's head. Theseus watched it with a fearful expression. He knew it was going to drop, so he moved Bunty away from it, but they happened to roll over the table and it really looked like something else was happening, "You mad fool! I say, not here amongst the cutlery!" Theseus got to his knees beside her, very uncomfortable by everything that was happening, "I say. I must go before I leave my reputation in tatters on this rug." Theseus watched Samantha cranking some machine she'd made in the corner and his eyes followed a sparking cord along the wall to the doorknob, "It's a lovely rug by the way. Is it Chinese silk? Must escape before all is lost." she got to her feet and reached for the door.

"Wait!" Theseus yelled and he grabbed the doorknob, getting electrocuted.

"Heavens to Betsy!" Bunty cried, "You are inflamed! How does a lonely widow hope to best you? What defenses does she have?" Oliver signaled through the window to stop and Samantha dips behind the cabinet. Theseus dropped lower to his knees, tired. Bunty is appalled, "All it takes is one little question, Theseus, and I'm yours."

Theseus tries to say, but he's too tired, "Yes. I see."

"Ask me." Bunty said as she opened the door, "Ask me, or you'll lose me forever."

"No. Absolutely."

"Say it. Say it. Say it." Bunty said, "Just say it."

Theseus saw Ernie, a rock in hand, holding a slingshot at bay. He heard Oliver's voice say, "Let go, Ernie."

"No!" Theseus shouted and threw himself between Bunty and the ammo.

Bunty gasped, "No! This is too much, sir!" Theseus could hear his children laughing at their success, "You are a cad!" and she slapped Theseus, making him fall to the floor, "A bounder and a cad!" and she ran out of the house.

Theseus watched her go, worried about what to do now.