Schrödinger's Boyfriend

I am lost.

I am used to being labeled before I get a chance to think, the mystery in your hesitancy is suspending me in confusion.

I am confused.

Is this not how things are supposed to be? Am I genuinely supposed to be my own person?

Usually the first time consists of me being the entertainment, being labeled as theirs, then going back home numb to the events that just took place.

But not with you. I cannot differentiate if this is good or bad.

On the one hand, it feels great to not be the object to someone for once. On the other hand, I feel like I'm in this disorientating void, thrusted into this environment without even realizing. On the one hand, I have room to grow. On the other hand, I am receiving whiplash from running laps and figuring out myself.

What do you like?

I don't know, I feel like I tried it all yet I cannot tell you what is good. I want to tell you, but my mind goes blank every time I have to think of if I enjoyed something that was eventually forced onto me. It might've felt good, but thinking about it paralyzes me. I feel an unease that glues me to my chair, stopping my thumbs from typing what "feels good". What do you mean I have room to define what I like? What do you mean I will not be forced into a box for your pleasure?

What are we?

I don't know. I almost miss the label being slapped onto me like some price sticker. I miss the security. I feel uneasy. I'm scared to ask. What if he doesn't think of me like I think of him? Is this normal for normal relationships? We're now planning the fifth date, am I allowed to call this a date? Are we dating? Am I back at square one, being alone? I feel dizzy, from all these mental gymnastics. How could I be alone if I have him? How could I have a normal relationship as a trans gay man? I am hungry. I am shaken. I am light-headed. I asked how the gala was last night and you mentioned an additional person, an unexpected item. Are they just "someone"? Am I being jealous? I think you are. But what if he doesn't like me? Wouldn't be the first time bucko. Am I just another "someone" to him? I don't know.

I don't know.

Aren't I supposed to know? How could I go through this without being guided by something? All the things I've consulted to receive the same answer; congratulations, it's a relationship! But I don't genuinely know what he thinks. What if he does but just changes his mind? Wouldn't be the first time, just do what you did last time. I don't think I healed from the last time, is it morally ok for me to want him?

Wait. I think I'm projecting.

Wait. I think I'm just confused.

I'm stumbling around in some gray space, I feel like I trip on a color and find something that "feels good". I feel blinded by the space I am given. Uncoordinated with what others see as normal.

Wait. I think you work in extremes.

But how am I supposed to work? If he likes me, would that mean we're dating? If he's excited to see me again, does that mean he likes me? How does one navigate themselves without extremes? It's Schrödinger's boyfriend, or is he his boyfriend? I don't think Schrödinger is fruity. THAT'S BESIDES THE POINT.

You won't know what you are to him, until you ask. You are both his boyfriend and single, until you ask.

Fuck you Schrödinger. Why can't he do the hard, back breaking work of just telling me? It wouldn't be the first time and he would be just like the other men. You remember that one time you asked about his first impression and he mentioned your crazy hair? Absolutely. Did you like that answer? No, it made me self conscious about my hair. Is this why you've been avoiding the question? I don't know, can't he just tell me? I feel too secure with the label, being without one is blinding. A little ironic, fucking tranny twink. That was harsh.

I don't think you'll get to a conclusion until you ask, Michael.

Well, if colorless green ideas can furiously sleep, why can't I?

You should go back to bed, you have to study syntax tomorrow.

I don't want to, not until I have answers.

Then you're back at word one.