The Call Sheet

Chapter 3 - Sarah

I take it all back, after dating for the last 6 months, I can confirm that dating is actually horrific. One bad date after the other, from ghosting, to cat fishing to just down right stalkers, I am starting to feel like I have had my fill of dating for a while. Besides, last week's date has left such a sour aftertaste that I am unsure what my next move should be.

My head has been buzzing for the last few days, ever since my last date. I had been out for dinner at a gorgeous Italian restaurant and as dates had gone in the last few months this had been up there at least top 5. No mention of wanting to meet parents or grandparents, no crying over an ex and so far he had looked me in the eyes and asked me questions about me. So all in all I had been pretty happy at how it was going.

Christ, when I actually think that those are my criteria for a good date, that's when you know it is true what they say, the bar is on the ground.

The conversation was flowing when suddenly my heart dropped, my pulse started to increase and I could feel my breath catching in my throat as I saw the back of a figure with a build eerily similar to Matthew, short cropped black hair, lean but muscular frame. I could feel the cold sweat on the back of my neck, dropping down my spine and my vision started to blur. I had to excuse myself to the bathroom. It wasn't him but I spent the rest of that night and the last few days annoyed with myself. Why after all this time, after everything he has done and put me through does he still have this affect on me?

I have been tossing and turning for hours, cursing myself for deleting all my messages from him, wanting nothing more than to scroll through and surround myself in the memories of us. Then thanking myself at the same time for taking away that temptation, because I wouldn't have just surrounded myself for a few hours, I would have been all consumed by it, letting myself drown in memories. I can't do that to myself, not now when I have worked so hard to finally get to the surface from what felt like rock bottom. I pray for the day when my thoughts and feelings are no longer at war with themselves. When I don't hate but miss him, when I don't crave his comfort but cower at the thought of his touch or his cruel words, when I don't want to cry from shame and also heartbreak. I want the emotion attached to him and the memories to just stop and I can just feel nothing, God, I just want to feel nothing for him and what he has put me through.

My phone flashes and vibrates, pulling me from my lamenting of the past, I check the screen and see a message from my mum

MUM: I saw Matthew today. He was asking after you. Says you haven't returned any of his texts or calls. He's worried about you Sarah. I know you're hurt but give him a call.

Impeccable timing as ever Mother. Of course my Mother would be worried about Matthew and his feelings, he knows exactly how to play her, her and everyone else, he knows how to get what he wants. This was a typical play throughout the 10 years of our relationship if I tried to voice any opinion that conflicted with his or set any boundary he'd say the same line in the same condscending way.

"Now Sarah sweetie, what would people think? There is an expectation of how someone like me is seen and behaves and another expectation for someone like you should behave. I'm just trying to protect you".

Protect? That man never wanted to protect me, he wanted to contain me, control me and trun me in to nothing more than a shell of a person that would do his bidding. He can't control me anymore so now wants my mother to do it on his behalf. MY MOTHER. I'm waiting for the rage to hit me or the guilt or the tears. I should feel so much anger that I'm stopping to the tube to get to his flat to have it out with him but I feel nothing. Not in a 'I'm so hurt I'm numb' way, no, this feels more like a "I no longer care what he says or does' nothing. This behaviour is so typical Matthew that I suddenly see that it wasn't just me that brought this out of him, that it is just how he is, how he will always be. For years he made me feel responsible for his action and reactions to situations but seeing this text and realising it's been nearly a year since we have last spoken shows that his behaviour has never been a reflection of me but actually a reflection of his rotten to the core soul. This feels like acceptance. Acceptance that sometimes people are really good at manipulating how you see the world but it doesn't make you weak or at fault. Acceptance that I can't change the past but for the first time in 10 years I have full control of my own future. Acceptance that I can move on and be a stronger person. This feels an awful lot like closure. In one message my Mother has shown me exactly who this man has always and will always be and I am done with it.

With a renewed sense of purpose and resolve, I ignore my Mother's message and instad text Rachel, throw down my phone and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding.

ME: mid day drinks tomorrow, not taking no for an answer. We are celebrating my blinkers finally being off!!!!!!. 

RACHEL:  YESSSSSSSSS! DOES THIS MEAN I CAN FINALLY CUSS THE BASTARD OUT AND TELL YOU EVERYTHING I DESPISED ABOUT HIM?

ME: Yes, yes it does lol

I can't help but roll my eyes and laugh knowing that Rachel has probably spent a long time wanting to send that text, hoping I would finally see sense.

I wake up feeling better than I have in months, scrap that, years, today is going to be a great day I just know it. I check my phone again and see more messages from my Mother reminding me to reach out to Matthew and scroll until I see the one from Rachel that I can't help but laugh at.

RACHEL: dress sexy bitchhh!!!

Despite Rachel's warning, I'm not dressed sexy, I don't really know what she means by that anyway. But I like my outfit, despite the abuse I know she will hurl my way. I'm wearing an orange satin shirt, with the button undone low enough to give a flash of my cleavage that has a light dusting of freckles across it thanks to the summer sun in London. It's tucked into my tailored wide leg cream cordory trousers. Rachel thinks these trousers look like the bottom half of painters overalls but I love them. The way they cinch in my waist and flow out give the illusion that my legs are longer than they are and give the impression of a bum and hips that I'm also not in possession of. The heat is unbearable today so rather than waste time trying to tame my hair I leave as is, with tight ringlets bouncing all over the place and make my way to brunch.

Brunch with Rachel was just what I needed. All we did was laugh at old stories and people from home. We faced timed our best friend Aoife, the 3rd within our trio, who is finally moving back to London after spending the last few years in the states. Aoife went to University in Manchester to study  Sports Therapy and Performance Psychology but after an incident involving an ex that we don't speak of, she moved to London to finish her degree. Aoife's worked with a few Premier League teams but went Stateside to work with NFL starts and make some series cash. But finally our wander returns and I could not be more excited to finally have all mu girls back together. Despite Rachel's warnings from the night before she did not in fact bring up Matthew or cuss him out, she may have wanted to but seeing the joy radiate from me, helped by a good few cocktails I think she wanted to keep the mood going.

We part ways and I head back to the tube station, I get on the tube and pull my book out. The alcohol has helped to warm my inside and leave me feeling a buzz. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I am more that just content and I am finally happy.