Craved Attention

1. Introduction

Growing up was honestly great up until I got to 6th grade and my father left us, he chose drugs over his family. I have two sisters, an older one and a younger one, which makes me the middle child.

Being the middle child, I often feel like I don't receive as much attention as my siblings.

When I turned 16, I started working and had to support myself while my older sister continued to receive financial assistance from our mother. Initially, I didn't think much of it and assumed it was normal for me to pay for my phone bill, clothes, and other necessities.

However, as I talked to other people, I realized that it was unfair that I was the only one responsible for my expenses.

It was especially unjust since my younger sister didn't have to do the same simply because she couldn't afford it, while I couldn't conclude why my older sister couldn't be financially independent.

I love my mother very much, and I don't blame her for who I am. However, at times, I wish I was more important to her than others. I feel like I am the gum stuck to the bottom of her shoe.

So, I turned to hanging out with boys in an attempt to make myself happy and feel better about myself. Unfortunately, this plan did not work out as I had hoped.

My "first love" was James. I met him in 8th grade through a friend, or I should say, my best friend was his ex-girlfriend.

Yes, I know how selfish I was for pursuing my best friend's ex, but I was desperate for someone to love me. Unfortunately, that relationship didn't end well.

He was a cheater, and I was naive and desperate for love, so I stayed with him until my 10th grade year which ended in a horrible breakup,

He was my first love, and I gave him everything. even my virginity my first real boyfriend.

Then it was Noah, I used to have a crush on Noah, who was a very laid-back person. However, when we were alone, he was very kind and affectionate.

Unfortunately, our relationship was very short, lasting only six months.

Can you guess why? He cheated on me. But despite this, I took him back. Even so, I still felt like he wasn't giving me enough attention.

After my breakup with Noah, I remained single for a while. However, I started texting others and seeking attention, which some might consider a form of infidelity.

In August 2020, I met Alexander. My heart finally felt fulfilled, but I soon realized that he had many flaws.

He controls me and I listen it's not healthy sometimes I believe he may even become physical with me. He emotionally abuses me but I'm still with him because I love him.

Sometimes, I sit and wonder why I can't shake this feeling. Is it normal? How can I be so naive and foolish? How can I let someone control me? or so i thought .....

I used to be the one who said I would never be so foolish as to let a man control me better yet consume me, but here I am again, speaking through my words, trying to find what I deserve, trying to make myself realize that I need to love myself.

I question myself, is it because I'm not useful or deserving of true love?

I want the fantasy type of love, where a man would do anything for his loved one, the man who sees how tired his wife is and offers to rub her feet.

I want love that will never make me question my abilities, but sometimes it feels too much to ask for. Or am I just not enough? I question again.  However, I am not sure.

On another note, I am not happy with the way my body looks, and Alexander's response is comforting and he supports me wanting to do better for myself

Instead of providing emotional support, he suggests that we should start going to the gym."

Until I met Lucas ......