FE2 oneshots, I guess.

[SP] Guide's Guide

A/N: This is actually part of DM!FE but because this was initially a shitpost that I canonised due to popular demand I don't think it deserves that indicator in this book XD

"Hello, everyone!"

Came a rather energetic voice that belonged to an equally energetic man; so energetic in fact, that he could be described as 'exaggerated', 'cheerful', or 'visibly insane'. He wore a navy blue suit and a navy blue tie, over a yellow undershirt he wore beneath it. To top it all off, he had cyan hair and a dazzlingly sparkly blue hat that would make anyone faint should they glance at the amount of numbers this hat was valued at.

This man, who many might recognise, was called Guide. Famous for being presumed dead only to reappear to swordfight his creator, it appears he has decided to take to content creation to take his mind off of his complicated emotions. And it appears that this was going well, what with the 3 seconds of footage we have seen.

"Welcome to my video," he continues, rubbing his neck. "It's my first video, in fact! And the first episode of a series where I review things!"

He holds up six little vibrantly-coloured boxes, boxes that displayed cartoonish little fruits and equally fabricated illustrations of pencils. "I have these scented pencils here," he turns one of the boxes over, "that I got from a place called Smiggle!" Guide places the boxes on the table in front of him, as he rubs his hands together in glee. "Wow! This is like an unboxing video!"

"First up, we have blueberry! Because, what's a better start than the colour that matches me the most!"

Then, if you blinked, you would have missed how he proceeds to draw a sword from thin air, then proceed to bring the sword - which, once your eyes adjust, you realise is entirely cyan blue - crashing down on the table, slicing the blue pencil box in half.

"Now, I can say the packaging isn't very durable, as you can see here." Guide then picks up a half of the box, producing a single blue somehow unharmed pencil from it. "The blueberry pencil is pleasant to look at," he says as he shows it to the camera, blissfully unaware of the fact that it was not focused at all on the pencil, therefore making it very blurry for the viewer to make out what it looked like. "Isn't it gorgeous?" he adds, as the pencil is disgracefully even further unfocused as the camera decides that its beauty must be shielded from the eyes of the world.

"Nice to hold," Guide finally brings the pencil away from the camera to sniff it, "Definitely blueberry-scented, as advertised. Comes unsharpened."

Guide brings out the sword again, and pitifully attempts to sharpen the pencil, which he has never done in his life because he never needed to write with one.

"Tough to sharpen," he comments, as he struggles to cut through the wood with his sword in a way that would properly sharpen the pencil. "Odd that they'd market this for kids," he states aloud, unaware that there was an object called a sharpener, and perhaps that children had more experience sharpening pencils than he could ever imagine.

Several long, uncut minutes later, Guide proceeds to give up sharpening the pencil, which currently resembled less of a pencil, and more of a stick that was thrown into a wood chipper, intact only because the operator turned it off just as it started to shred. The video is already six minutes long, and it solely consists of Guide hitting a pencil with a flood sword. There's no stock music to at least lighten the mood - this is an ASMR pencil review video, so any additional sound will ruin the mood.

"It appears I might not be able to evaluate how well it does in writing," Guide states sadly, as if the mystery of the blueberry-scented pencil's quality in doing the thing it was made to do would devastate the world as a whole. The world is only lucky there are other successful Smiggle blueberry-scented pencil review videos in the wild, otherwise society would collapse and begin a sad, tragic era of pencillessness.