The Lamb

chapter 1

Every teenager goes through some sort of mental illness and at your lowest points, you feel hopeless.

That word perfectly encapsulates how I feel lying on my bed right now. Headphones in my ears blasting music to cover my parents' constant arguing.

I'm told that "life is just a series of mountains and valleys" and to just hang in there and I'll reach the good part. But I've gone through valleys for years so where have the mountains gone?

I think it's some sort of messed up karma for me not valuing my life enough before it happened.

I curl up under my covers and try not to think. Don't think. don't think. don't think.

It's your fault.

UGH SHUT UP BRAIN.

My teachers say I could be smart, and that I have the potential to do better. But lately, it seems like the only thing my mind works for is to destroy me.

Sometimes I wish I could just be gone. No more incessant thoughts. Just peaceful silence.

But the thing that scares me is what if I don't like silence? I've never had it. I've never lived through anything other than difficulties. And what if even death doesn't free my soul from my hurt? What if I'm just stuck with it forever?

So I just continue to stare at my wall blinking my tears away and trying not to think.

I turn my music up higher as I notice that my parents' voices have raised too. I shudder. I don't want to overhear any of their words because I know what they are fighting about.

Slowly I drift to sleep with the thoughts "don't think" and "don't scream" mixed up so much that everything turns unintelligible.

BEEP BEEP BEEP. stop stop stop. I mumble curses under my breath while slapping my alarm clock so the stupid thing could turn off.

Who decided that school should be this early? I stare at the big white numbers that read 5:30. Okay so I have to be ready by 7:00 which I guess means I don't have to wake up this early but hey, I like to take my time. When I have every detail taken care of, It makes me feel okay to start the day.

After finishing my unnecessarily long process to get ready, I start walking to the bus stop and I'm already feeling an overwhelming sense of dread. School is my second least favorite place.

I walk onto the bus and sit in the closest empty row I can find. I put my backpack on the seat next to me because it's not like someone would want to sit next to me anyway.

It's like people think I'm a disease infecting everyone close to me.

It's not unexpected that the kids at school found out. Gossip spreads fast and when people started seeing me going to the school counselor multiple times a day and getting passes out of class, it soon became the talk of everyone.

They all know I'm messed up. It's not like a big secret. I just wish they gave me a chance to be something other than a girl with a broken family and a broken soul.

I walk out of the bus and straight to my first class. I'm the first to get there and the first to leave. Somehow no one notices me.

I even had some kid sit in my seat because he thought it was vacant. But when he saw that it was my seat he didn't even apologize but instead moved as fast as he could to the seat farthest from me.

I wish people knew the whole story.

Bad mental health doesn't mean that I'm going to jump up and stab you because you made the wrong move around me. Though I guess it could mean that in some cases.

I hear people whispering around me as if I can't hear them.

Their voices like flys buzzing around my ears. I hate it. I wish people could just leave me alone because then it would be much easier for me to cope.

"I heard that it was her fault, people are saying she did it" I hear a girl say to my left.

At this point I'm pissed. Like what is this girl doing acting as if I'm not here??? I turn around and glare at her. Her eyes widened and she quickly looked down at her notebook.

At least I hold the power to shut people up sometimes.

Even though the power comes from their fear of what I could do to them because of how "mentally unstable" I am.

Whatever.