The past lives we lived

Halo

Me and Emmett sit in the church pew listening to the sermon. Today's sermon was about love and hell. How some love is ok and some is wrong. I never understood how love of any kind could be wrong. I look over and see burt and Camilla sitting all pretentious and self righteous. Thinking they are model Christians, when they threw their daughter out of their lives and hearts. I wonder what Jesus would think of that. The Bible does say a sin is a sin and they are all the same. Yet they act like their sin is fine if it's in the name of Jesus, that's no way to think. I used to love it here. The church used to be my safe place yet I sit here and it feels foreign. Not because I stopped believing but because I felt I didn't belong anymore. Maybe my faith was shaken up a bit more than I thought.

Emmett holds my hand smiling at the preacher. Feeling content to condemn others and agreeing with the speech given to us. Frankly I find it hypocritical and hateful. More damaging than anything else in society. How can preachers turn a love like God's which is unconditional and infinite into something rare and hard to achieve. I feel it's twisting his words all together.

After church we go have lunch Emmett holds the door open and pulls my chair out for me. Sitting next to me. I feel unnaturally irritable today and I don't understand why, it's like the very fiber of my life is being pulled out thread by thread. I can't even open my mouth to join in on the conversation because I am terrified I am gonna scream. "Did you hear about the new order they announced yesterday" burt.days as he cuts into his steak and grins like the Pope just shook his hand. We all look at him hoping for good news but for some reason I don't think that's the news he has to tell us. "There is a large scale investigation they are launching, to catch these faggots, thank God. We might see an end to this degeneracy." He chuckles with pride and I feel bile rise in my gut as I get up running to the bathroom bending over the counter. My world crumbles around me as I sit on the cold tile. The grip I once held on my small world is now trembling. What if I get accused. I'm 22 unmarried. I need to hide better. I need to be better. If I get caught, my life is absolutely over. My life depends on me hiding.

I gather myself together as I wipe my face walking back to the table and getting my confidence together. Fake it til you make it right? I sit down kissing Emmett on the cheek "darling can you cut my steak for me please I don't like knives" I ask him with innocent eyes. He likes when I ask him to do things for me. I guess it makes him feel more masculine. I mean I look at his father and it makes sense. He smiles at me taking my plate "of course hon I'd do anything for you sweetheart" I smile at him and refill his cup for him. The way a perfect woman should do. Or at least I think so. He cuts my steak and hands it back to me kissing my forehead "your amazing baby I think it's time to ask you, this is a sign that we are a perfect match." He pulls out a ring getting down on one knee his father looking at him with pride in his eyes, his mother tearing up and smiling at me. I feel the pressure building in my chest. I can't breath yet I smile anyway, I know this is what I need to do. It's what is expected of me. I smile and hug him "yes of course Emmett I can't wait to be your wife" he kisses me putting the ring on my finger I look at the rock on my hand hating it as well as myself. The stone feels cold and empty yet I know it's my safety blanket none the less.

After lunch Emmett walks me home like usual the look of happiness in his face. "My father says he will pay for the wedding whatever you want my dear it's yours. I can't wait to have you forever. My mother asked me about children again." He said with a grin and I know he wants me to be excited like most girls are. Like I should be. "That sounds lovely Emmett I want a simple affair just to be standing next to you is all I want." We reach my door and I feel relief. I can relax and try to pull myself together. Maybe kill myself. He misses my forehead seeing me Inside before heading home. I go inside locking my door and falling to the floor having the breakdown I felt arise at the restaurant. They say being gay is a choice yet I don't see how that's true, I would never choose to be like this. To suffer. To hate myself.

I sit in the tub drinking whiskey contemplating sinking under and letting the air out of my lungs being able to be at peace and not having to pretend anymore. I finish my glass when I hear a knock at the door. Part of me is shocked no one comes to my door ever. I don't entertain many guests. I get out of the tub putting on a robe, it might be Emmett maybe he missed me he can be rather clingy. When I go downstairs and open the door it's none other than Mavis Grey and I find my mouth hanging open. Covering the front of my robe yet unsure why. "Um Mavis....hello. how did you know where I lived" I asked concerned about how she could possibly know where I lived I didn't meet her until last night. "Don't worry I'm not stalking you....I asked my mother where I could find you after she told me about the engagement. She was quick to brag about it. Nothing in this family is ever a secret" after last night they seemed rather cold I wasn't even sure they spoke "you spoke to her? After last night..." I ask not wanting to pry but at the same time I guess curiosity got the best of me "well we always talked....she keeps it secret from my father. She has to. He'd be angry if he knew she didn't hate me like he wanted her to. She is still ashamed of me but I guess mother's have to love you. They do say they are the closest to God's love cuz only they can understand unconditional love" she said putting out her cigarette on the ground "can I come in or what figured I'd get to know my sister in law" she said with a smirk and I stepped aside as she came sauntering in. Not just into my house but also into my soul. I've been asked when it started. When I gave in to my "temptation" I never exactly had an answer. But if I had to pinpoint a moment when my fate was secured. That would be the one.