Breaking your heart without knowing it ~ Jendan

Chapter 1

Joe Cullen's Point of View

20th July 2023

I have 3 match darts. If I don't take it out Daryl is on 16. I collected myself, I just need 40, double 20. "Gameshot, and the match, Joe Cullen." the caller said. I was relieved to win and shook Daryl's hand quick followed by shaking the others' hands. After the inteview I walked off stage sweating. I went over to the bathroom to quickly splash some water on my face, to cool myself down a bit. Though when I came out there I saw something I had not expected to see. Chris had Nathan pinned up against the wall while the two made out. I felt two strong emotions at the same time. I was happy for them, they are some of my best friends after all. But I also felt the urge to cry because I had been crushing on both Nathan and Chris for quite a while now. I felt a little tear running down my face, but I quickly wiped it away. Nathan noticed me and Chris noticed right afterwards as well. "So are you like... dating?" I asked with an even bigger urge to cry now. "Yeah, have been for a few months." Chris replied. "You'll keep it a secret, right?" Nathan asked. I nodded and started to walk away. "W-wait." Nathan said while both him and Chris followed me. I turned around confusedly. "Who won?" Nathan asked. "I did." I replied. "Nice man, well we better head back to the practice room." Chris said as they did exactly that.
I started walking back to the hotel. I still had the urge to cry, or scream, but I kept telling myself that I should wait until I got back. After a while of walking I started feeling like throwing up. I hit my head softly trying hard to forget about Nathan and Chris and it seemed to work at least a little bit. I finally made it back to the hotel.
I walked inside the hotelroom which I shared with Jonny and Gezzy and locked the door. I dropped my things and fell to the ground finally letting the tears pool out. Luckily they weren't home at the moment. I tried getting up but instantly fell again. I cried loudly as my head hit the floor. I got up eventually and headed towards the bathroom. I took of my shirt and wiped away my tears. I grabbed onto the sink and looked at my pathetic reflection. I hit myself hard across the face, and was apparently hard enough to make my weak self fall down once again. At an attempt to stand up I grabbed onto a drawer. I failed getting up and instead the drawer opened. I caught the glimpse of some razor blades and actually thought of it for a while. I really tried shaking it off, I really did. But... I couldn't control it. I grabbed one of the sharp blades and made a swift cut on my left wrist. I instantly regretted it, but there was no going back. I knew that this would happen again.
I cleaned it up and over to the bed outside of the bathroom. I threw myself on the bed and closed my eyes. I thought of all the others I still have a crush on. It started with five, just found out the two of them are dating.
Nathan... Chris... Jonny... Gerwyn... Ross...
Without thinking of it my right hand had found its way to my left, and was feeling the scar. I felt like crying once again. I managed to hold it in and decided to go to sleep.