The Reason To Live

• CHAPTER SIX •

TW: SMOKING, PTSD ATTACK, PANIC ATTACK, KIDNAPPING, TORTURE, TRUMA, ADDICTIONS, DEATH. (Please keep this in minded when reading. Remember if you struggle with anything that is mentioned in my book there is places you can get help)

"Told you that wasn't so bad" Theo said as the both walked to the door of the balcony. "So here we are," Kay uttered under her breath. "Indeed we are" Theo remarked. It was a unpleasant cold winter's night; dark and mystifying, the moon was sheltered by the murky clouds that loomed over them. 
Kayla reached into her pocket and pulls out a pack of cigarettes and placed one in her mouth and lit it. The cigarette seemed to fit in Kayla's thin fingers with ease as she placed it towards her soft lips and inhaled slowly a sense of relaxation flooded her body and all of a sudden she was the fourteen year old girl who would sneak out with her friends just to smoke just once she said but deep down she knew that wasn't going to happen she got addicted to things a little bit to easily. Nine years had passed since then but inside she was still that scared little girl who would do anything to feel something anything to remove the emotional pain and turn it into physical pain. Kay's best friend Bea helped her to get clean a little over three years ago but theses last few months with that abusive bastard of a fiancé smoking became easy to fall back on. Nearly all of the addiction she developed in her early teenage years were bound to return she couldn't escape the ever longing need to turn all of that emotional pain to physical pain it was much more straight forward to deal with this way.

Kayla passed the cigarette to Theo he kindly accepted and took a long drag. "I didn't think you would accept" Kayla said as Theo passed it back to her. "Well you thought wrong, I started smoking because of my Dad. Then as soon as I joined the FBI I quit" he remarked. "Well why did you start again?" Kay questioned. "Well because of..." Theo immediately paused his eyes didn't dare to even glance over to Kayla because a cry for help would be seen in them and Theo never believed he need to be helped, he could save him self right? Pure heartache came back to him like never ending echoes in a cave. Deep down she released what this was about the one conversation Theo had always tried to avoid. Dean.
"Dean?" She said as she looked at Theo, a cold and clearly distressed demeanor befell his face. All because of a name. A name that shot shivers down his spine and tears that appeared every time that one name was spoken.  His body trembled soon followed by excruciating memories. Memories that flooded him when that one name was spoken. Memories that haunted him in his dreams. Memories that will never leave.

The day that Theo wished his life would of ended, but he survived and Dean didn't. That wasn't fair why did he get to live? Dean was so much more deserving of life Theo was a horrible person and complete lost cause before the FBI where he met Dean who was not only is his colleague but a life long friend who save him in some of the early days of the FBI.  Dean had helped him with a lot of things that and although Dean was now gone there was still a sense of trust between Theo and other peoples but as the months go on without him Theo's  trust starts to diminish into nothing. No longer being able to open up to others.

He was back to the night that destroyed him there was no escape his hands tied to the chair. "Stop please don't," Theo pleaded. He was already gone. Deans lifeless body that sat in dark red blood that pooled around him Theos eyes blurred as His lips trembled with each outlet of air. His best friend was dead. He remembers ever pain staking moment that plays on repeat. He remembered how just before Dean died he shouted out to Theo that he loved him. The last words Dean shared was out of love, love to his best friend they had each others backs through everything.

The only thing he was unsure of was why Theo didmt get killed it didn't make sense there was no reason for him to still be here yet he was. Well he didn't always feel like it deep down he felt as though he was already dead. It was sort of true, a part of Theo did die that day it stayed with Deans body. He lives with the consent guilt that he has to battle every day. The guilt that he didn't save him. There was nothing Theo could of done yet he still blames him self for what happen. So on that day he vowed to save those around him, to protect others over himself.  
The constant panic began to sets in like it does every time the pounding in his chest got louder until...