This narrative unfolds the account of my initial encounter with the arts of initiation. To be honest, I must confess that this is not what I consider my true, inaugural experience with these natural phenomena. Rather, it is the first one I can confidently recollect—a moment that, at the time, I believed had significantly disrupted my life.
This incident occurred during my 13th year while I was in the 8th grade, just returning to school after winter break. In my first class of the day, I noticed that our desks had been rearranged. Although seemingly inconsequential, this triggered a sense of unease for me, given my tendency to be reserved in social situations, a trait that persists to this day. This detail may seem tangential to the story, but it reflects a pattern in my storytelling.
As I dropped a pencil and stooped to retrieve it, I experienced a moment of heightened auditory awareness. The cacophony of yells and screams echoed around me—beings immersed in a narrow stream of experiences since their birth, devoid of profound thought. Deep contemplation led me to an intense desire not to become like these individuals, although the specific aspect I sought to avoid remained elusive. This, for me, was a moment of connection with the higher worlds, a memory I regretted for the longest time until recently in my life.
( This mindset did not elevate me above others or diminish anyone else. On the contrary, it heightened my awareness of the discomfort I caused in conversations and the peculiar impressions I left on others. Such self-awareness only deepened my struggles with self-confidence, making any semblance of superiority feel like a trivialization of the efforts I've invested in leading a normal life.)
The experiences woven into my life are often self-deprecating. In many social interactions, I find myself gauging situations and projecting social cues that do not align with my true feelings. The root of my predicament lies in the disconnect between my interests and those of others I encounter. While occasional common ground exists, none delves into the core of who I aspire to be. Thus, I grapple with the challenge of assuming facial cues and responses to avoid offending others, leading to the natural dissolution of our encounters. The aftermath leaves me feeling the burn of embarrassment and retrospective introspection.
This encapsulates my initial remark into the realm of higher arts.
