The Butterfly Effect

PROLOUGE

My eyes snap open as someone bangs on my door, my mums head pokes in through the door as she smiles down at me, that sad smile... I hate it! That's all I've been getting from family and friends for weeks, they look at me as though I might combust at any moment.

That's why I've been locked up in my room since I got back from the hospital six months ago, I'd rather be alone than be the object of pity.... I WANT TO BE ALONE.

"Hey ani, just wanted to check if you were okay. You've been sleeping for more than ten hours" she says in a low tone, why is she talking like that? That's not how she talks to my dad or anyone else, and that's definitely not how she's spoken to me before.

I blink but don't answer, of course I'm expected to sleep a lot, isn't that what happens during recovery? Well I'm way past recovery aren't I, it's just so overwhelming being around my overbearing family. My mum opens the door wider with a long sigh, takes three wide steps and sits on the bed. "Listen, I can't pretend to understand what you've been through and what you are going through. But don't you think its time you talk to your family, your friends. Try to get you life back on track" she takes a long pause, I don't know what to tell her, how could she sit here and say this to me. I turn to the wall, I know what's coming next and I don't want to hear it, I never want to hear it.

"It's time to move on with your life Iolani, I'm worried sick about you and so is your dad. We almost lost you, you can't keep up with this, staying cooped up in you room, it's not healthy" she starts to cry

Her tears do nothing to me, I know! Makes me sound heartless. She's right, she has no idea what I'm going though, yet she sits here and tells me its time to move on. How dare she?!!!

Our relationship has never been solid, but I'd hoped she'd be the one who would understand this the most, I was wrong.

I wanted to yell at her, tell her that I wished I'd died on that table all those months ago, tell her that life just did not make sense anymore because without him I am lost, without him breathing hurts, without him I see no light. I can't do this alone, I can't smile and laugh like all is right in the world, nothing is, I can't wake up every morning and go on, why did I get to live and not him?

I didn't realize I had soaked my pillow with tears nor did I notice my mum kissing my forehead as she wiped them away. I let her help me out of bed as she runs a hot bath for me while I take off my cloths, the water felt nice on my skin. I'd forgotten how much I loved the feeling, not that it matters anymore.

"I'll give you some privacy, will you be okay on your own? Will you come down for breakfast afterwards" she moves my hair out of my face, I nod yes to both questions but it was really for the former. I will be more than okay on my own, I sink deeper into the tub closing my eyes, I let my mind travel to the one place it goes since I met Rowan.

His smile has been imprinted in my mind from the very first day, he had laughed at something silly I had said and that was it for me, those dimples, his eyes crinkled around the side hiding his emerald green eyes. I had just met him but he felt....safe.

My eyes slowly open, they burned from holding in tears.......... I wish I could go back in time to relive it all over and over and over again. We had such little time, it wasn't enough.

I get out of the tub and stare at my self in the mirror, starring back at me is someone I don't recognize, my once bright blue eyes now sad and dead, dull lips, hair now brittle and has lost its shine. This new Iolani has a huge healed scar between her breasts, a constant reminder of my pain, a pain that is in no way physical.

As I open the door back to my room, I stop short, the envelope on my bed wasn't there when I woke up, from where I was standing I could tell who the hand writing belonged to, I rush towards it picking it up. Its rowans, I knew it. There it was, my name written in his beautiful cursive.

My heart was racing, who dropped it here? Mum? Dad? How come I've never seen this until now, I was scared to open it. What if I'm not ready for whatever is in it?

What it I never am?