Twice Upon A Tale

S1E19: PT 2

The Return (con't)

"There is no way I could possibly love you"

The sting of her words cut like a million small blades, each one piercing skin and drawing blood slowly. Regina doesn't have to ask to know that it hurt, she could see Emma shake her head at the words, trying to swallow past the thick lump in her throat.

"It's not like you're a ray of sunshine either" Emma pointed out, standing up from Regina's obnoxiously large and fluffy bed to collect her clothes from the floor. "Jesus Regina, I just don't understand you" Emma shook her head in disbelief as she picked up her underwear and slipped them up her legs.

"I don't know what you expect of me" Regina replies sharply "I'm evil, remember? I'm horrible and nasty, I don't think about anyone but myself. My own son calls me evil"

"So evil people can't be in love?"

The silence that hangs in the air between them is heavy. Regina hears herself intake a sharp breath, feeling as if her own chest had just caved inward.

"I loved someone once, years ago. But the way I felt for him isn't like this at all" Regina explains, gathering the blanket around her to cover her bare skin. Emma had seen her naked, but bringing up emotions suddenly made her feel more exposed than ever.

"Tell me" Emma pleads, pulling her shirt over her head before sitting back down on the bed at Regina's side. "Just tell me, Regina, how do you feel?"

The mayor is silent for a moment, her breathing feeling heavy as she thought of all the things she could possibly say.

After a moment, she settled on the truth.

"I feel so angry with you" she says slowly "because you showed up here and Henry is absolutely obsessed with you. I feel angry because you were able to give birth to him, and I couldn't. I feel angry because I look at you and I want to imagine what it would be like if you didn't exist, but I just can't; I'm angry with myself because when I'm with you, I just want to be close to you and I know I shouldn't want that. I know I shouldn't think about how your skin feels under my fingertips, or how your lips feel on my own" Regina stops and takes a deep breath, feeling herself losing her grip on her own overwhelming emotions.

"I know you're not mine and I'm not yours and the anger I hold inside of me is enough to burn a small village to the ground" she continues on, choking out every word through a knot in her throat.
"But yet, I have this longing I've never felt before. I have this intense need to just pull you closer, this desire to have you with me. It's never...love hasn't..." Regina trails off for a moment, unable to meet Emma's eyes as she stares intently into her own.

Emma listens intently, her eyes following every word that Regina's lips made. She looked perplexed, as if what Regina is saying makes sense but she just can't believe that they're being said aloud.

"When I loved my true love, I wanted to be around him. I wanted him with me. I knew I loved him and I loved loving him" her words broke Emma's heart a little bit, she knew without asking, but she'd settled on the truth so she soldiered on "With you, it feels like I'm trying so hard to keep you at arms length, but my arms want to fight my brain and pull you closer. I don't love this feeling, I don't want to want you like this. I don't know why I feel this way, I don't know why my body craves yours and my mind misses you because it just makes me so angry. But then when you're here...the anger melts away. You bring me peace. And then when you go, I feel angry that I let you close, and I go back to feeling like I shouldn't have done that. Like I shouldn't have had you anywhere near me"

"You go back to trying to convince yourself that you don't love me" Emma finishes for her, a ghost of a smile playing across her pink lips. Gone is the ghost of heartache that graced her face just minutes prior, replaced with a look of grateful shock and awe. "Love doesn't always look one way, Regina. The way I loved Henry's father...well, that wasn't this. Not even close"