I Breathe For You (Jella)

I Breathe For You

The summer we spent together ay isa sa mga hinding hindi ko makakalimutan. We were so in love, it didn't matter that we were young or that Ella wouldn't make it to Christmas. In fact, gumawa tayo ng sarili nating Christmas. We hung stockings by the wall, drinking hot chocolate in the summer heat and singing carols. Nag palitan ng regalo at nag tawanan. I loved to hear her laugh. When it was over, we lay on the couch and talked. We talked a lot during those months. Kinuwento mo sakin yung mga Childhood memories mo at ganun naman ako. We shared secrets that we wouldn't tell anyone else.

I loved her more than I've ever loved anything or anyone.

Sa simula ng August, we bought a dog. It was a small brown dog with white spots and Ella named her Milo and it kept her company habang nag wo-work sa umaga. Naalala ko nung isang beses na umuwi ako at naabutan  ko si Ella at Milo na natutulog sa couch, yakap ni Ella si Milo protectively as if she were a child.

Maliit lang ang apartment na binili namin, nothing special, a living room, kitchen-dining room, one bedroom and one bathroom. Her bestfriend Alyssa was skeptical about us living alone, pero alam ni Alyssa na I wouldn't try anything bad with Ella. We made love once, on our wedding night, but never na after that. Yung gabi na yun ay sobrang special. I don't think either of us felt we could have recreated it. Instead, we'd lie in bed together at night in each other's arms, dreaming of the life we'd love to live together. 

Slowly though, Ella began to fade. Unti unti na syang namumutla at nang hihina, but she never failed to amaze me with her beauty. Some nights, Magigising ako na makikita na may mga luha sa kanyang pisngi, or maririnig ang mahinang pag iyak nya sa bathroom. Hindi ko sinabi sa kanya na alam ko, kasi I know she was trying to be strong para sa amin ni Milo at sa bestfriend nya na si Alyssa, pero alam kong sobra na syang nahihirapan.

On her worst day she wouldn't be able to get out of bed. Babasahan ko sya ng mga libro. She'd rest her head against my chest and listen with her eyes closed, smiling. I loved feeling her breathe. I think it reminded me of the short time we had left together.

On her better days, I'd come home at maabutan sila ni Milo na nag lalaro or minsan naman ay nag luluto sya ng dinner. She loved to cook, but some days she couldn't keep the food she made. I hated those days. Yung mga araw na kinukwestiyon ko yung paniniwala ko, and I'd have to drive. Drive for a while, stopping somewhere to cry in my car bago umuwi sa mga bisig ni Ella.

She went to bad to worse. By the beginning of September, Alyssa and I had to check her into the hospital. Hindi sya makalakad, hindi sya makakain and it hurt her to breathe. I didn't go to work on that month, I told them I'd return next year and they were understanding. Instead I spent my days reading to Ella. She loved hearing my voice as I embodied the voice of the characters. Naaalala ko noong may araw na sobrang upset nya dahil hindi pwedeng dalhin si Milo sa hospital and how she'd put up a fight, but in the end the doctors won.

Isang araw, the doctor took Alyssa and me aside, hoping Ella wouldn't hear us.

"She's getting worse." Doctor said. "Sobra kaming nagugulat kasi she's held on this long, but she's in a lot of pain. If umabot sya until Friday we'll all be pretty happy, but I wouldn't count on it."

Tumingin ako sa Calendar, today is Monday.

I took my car out again that afternoon while Alyssa stayed with Ella. I drove for an hour bago huminto sa gilid ng kalsada. Without turning off the ignition, I lay my head on the steering wheel and cried. I cried for her and what she would never get to do. I cried for Alyssa who is about to lose her best friend. Finally, umiyak ako para sa nag iisang babae na I would ever truly love and sa lahat ng mga maiiwan niya.

After I pulled myself together. Nag simula akong mag isip. I thought about Ella and about what she was going through. I made a decision and drove back to our apartment.

The next day I re-thought my decision, making sure kung tama ba yun. I loved Ella and always would, pero kailangan ko itong gawin.

Pumasok ako sa room ni Ella, decorated in flower na binili ko sa kanya over the last few weeks.

"Love." I said, stroking her hair with my free hand. Ngumiti sya sa sakin and I feel my heart start to break. 

"Hi." It hurts her to talk somedays and today is one of those. I kiss her hand gently.

"I've been thinking a lot Ella." I said, trying my best to keep it together.

"I love you and I always will, pero hindi ko na kayang makita kang nahihirapan, How I wish kung pwedeng ako nalang ang nandyan, but I can't and it hurts me to see you this way." she nods, urging me to continue I swallow hard. "I think it's time." I said with my heart breaking into a million pieces.

I feel her hand slide onto mind, and she squeezed it gently with the little strength she has left.

"Thank you Jema for everything." she says, and I can feel her eyes on me, "pero tama ka, I can't hold on anymore. Please don't hate me for leaving you. I've tried my best to breathe and continue breathing for you." I look back at her, my eyes glazed over with tears. She puts her hand on my cheeks, wiping away my tears.

"Baby, I could never hate you." I said, my voice shaking. I kiss her gently, feeling her breath shallow and strained.

"I love you so much." She said.

"I love you too.." I tell her.

She smiles at me gently and I wonder if I've done the right thing. With all my heart I want to make her better. She takes a deep breathe and closes her eyes. I lower my head to the bed and feel her hand loosen its grip on mine.

-End