He Used to be Mine (Lams)

Chapter 4

Weeks past – it was early February by now – and Alexander was still writing those letters.

I didn't really know what it was, but he had changed. He seemed so much... happier.

I wasn't sure what those letters were about. I wouldn't read my partners letters just because they seemed to change him.
And maybe a little bit because I was scared of what he was writing to her in some weird way.

I knew that I kind of had a problem with becoming jealous to fast, so I tried not to be, even though it was hard.

Perhaps they were friends. Like Martha and I were until we... uh, conceived a child.

The way he acted around me didn't change, so I wasn't too worried until...

"Philip Schuyler invited me for dinner next Sunday," Alexander said, smiling at the letter he had received earlier.

"How kind of him," I muttered. "You will see Elizabeth then, huh?"

"Yes, I will," he said, his smile growing. "I should write a letter to confirm my attendance!"

"Sure..." I replied, taking the small ribbon out of my hair. "Don't stay awake for too long, you know Washington needs us at dawn."

__________

The week past and Alexander left for the dinner at the Schuyler's, leaving me alone with my thoughts once again.

I spent all night thinking.
About the past.
The present.
The future.
Everything.

Late at night the door opened, and a slightly drunk Alexander stumbled into our small room.

"John!" he almost sang, sitting down on the floor... because we totally do not have beds and chairs to sit on. "How was your evening?"

"It was fine..." I replied, almost automatically. "What about yours?"

"It was great! Betsy and I talked for so long and she showed me the gardens of their mansion. I mean, I don't know if it can count as a mansion, but it sure is bigger than anything I could afford in my entire life."

"That sounds great, Alexander, but it's late. You can tell me about your night tomorrow, okay?"

"What if I say no?"

"I'll make you say yes."

"Will you? How?"

I knew that he knew what I was going to do.

I gestured for him to stand up and come sit next to me on my- basically our bed.
He did as I told, giggling slightly.

Before I was even able to do anything Alexander started to kiss me passionately, wrapping his hands around my neck.

I finally pulled away after 5 minutes of making out, stopping him from undressing.

"Why, John?" he asked, pouting slightly.

"Because you, sir, are quite drunk and I know you well enough to know that you won't be able to keep quiet."

Alexander sighed, his face turning to disappointment for a second before he started to smirk again. "What about you? Will you be able to stay quiet?"

"Alex, what are you- oh..."

__________

The sun had just started to rise, and Alexander and I were taking a walk. He told me he wanted to talk.

"So?" I asked Alexander, some orange light of the morning sun illuminating his freckled face. "What do you want to talk about."

He gulped before saying, "You look beautiful."

I chuckled slightly, carefully looking around for any signs of other people before taking his hand in mine. "I know that was not why you asked me to go on a walk with you."

He nodded slowly. "I'm sorry..."

"Sorry?"

He lowered his head and let go of my hand. "I suppose it's better I tell you sooner than later," he mumbled. "Even though you won't like it."

I raised an eyebrow at him, my confusion evident in my face. "What the hell did you do, Alex?"

"I... Philip Schuyler and I talked for a long time yesterday after dinner and I ended up... proposing a damn courtship with Be- Elizabeth."

It took me a few seconds to realize what he just said before anger and sadness welled up inside me.

"W-what? Why?"

"I don't fucking know!" Alexander almost yelled, gesturing wildly, like he was desperately seeking for an answer in his own brain but couldn't find it. "Maybe it was... the alcohol... or the things you said in those early letters or... my honor or... my... I don't know."

I tried to blink away the tears welling up in my eyes but one managed to escape, slowly rolling down my cheek as I stared at him. "And what in the fucking hell have my letters to do with your decision?"

"You always said that if, uh... if I'd be married, I would be less devoted to you so we could..." - forget about this...

"That letter? Alex, that was in the very beginning, before I realized what we have is special and isn't just happening because we were longing for some kind of affection and touch and before you told me that nothing could change the way you felt about me... But apparently something- or rather someone can."

"John, it doesn't have to change anything between u-"

"Sureeee, you marrying doesn't change anything at all!" I yelled at him, not controlling the volume of my voice anymore.

"But John, you are married as well."

"Everyone makes mistake," I mumbled back, barely audible.

"That how you see your wife? A mistake?"

"It doesn't matter what I think of her! This would be different. Martha is an ocean away."

"And never has she hindered us from doing anything," Alexander said calmly.

"But this still is completely different! If I had known you before I known her, I wouldn't have married her. But this feels like you're just throwing away the last years and don't even care."

"I do care, John. I really do. But I thought that- I don't know if I was thinking at all."

"And that's the problem, Alex, some-"

Alexander suddenly pulled me of the main path, into the bushes next to the dirt path.

"What are you...?"

"Sorry, I didn't want the others to see us arguing," he said quickly, then sighed. "Look, John, I never meant to hurt you. I'm only doing the thing that will raise the least suspicions. People will talk if I'd stay a bachelor forever. I always knew I had to marry eventually, and I'd rather marry someone who is easy to talk to then someone I don't want to be around at all."

"So it's all about your damn name..." I muttered.

"Not only my name John, I barely have a name, so..." he trailed off.

"Be honest, Alexander, what do you really think of Eliza?"

He hesitated a second before saying, "For me, she is just a friend. I cannot promise that she sees me in that way as well, but there is only one person I truly love."

He looked up into my eyes, smiling softly. His eyes wandered down to my lip, then back to my eyes, basically asking me if he could kiss me.

And I let him. Not because I necessarily wanted to, but because I didn't want to throw away what we had.
I wanted to fight for us.