What Could Have Been

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong
Murphy's First Law

***

For a late summer night, the weather outside was frightful. The lightining and thunder echoed the chaos inside Alicia's head and did nothing to improve her current dissatisfaction with life. Every time she rolled over in bed hoping to find a position that would allow her to finally fall asleep, a new thought creeped into her mind and brought her even further from her goal. Besides, her head was pounding yet she didn't want to get up to fetch painkillers for she knew Germán would come home any time and the least she wanted was to have to talk to him. For a brief moment the redhead wondered what had happened to bring them so far apart from each other. She was, however, past the point of trying to find explanations for their situation or blame it on one of them. Somehow they had found a balance that allowed them to coexist in what had become a marriage of convenience, each in their own separate world. She's started to ask herself if it was worth living like that. Truth is, they had gotten accostumed with each other's company, and the thought of living without his presence scared her more than admitting their life as a couple had expired and that she would need to invest time and emotions into finding happiness somewhere else. Even though they did not discuss their feelings anymore, Germán was apparently just as content with their arrangement.

At rare times Alicia and Germán could catch a glimpse of their old selves, and understand why they had chosen to be together in the first place. That usually happened after one glass of wine or two, and often ended in them having sex. Without the inebriating effects of alcohol, even that had become more like an ordeal. This is precisely the reason why Alicia did not want her husband to know she was still awake. Alas, more often than not, one cannot control how life will play out. Not only her headache, but the complete lack of lust she felt for him, prompted her to let out a heavy albeit silent sigh when she heard him come into the bedroom they still shared. At first, as he found his way under his blanked without disturbing her, she thought her efforts to keep as still as possible had paid off. Her relief last only half a minute before she felt one of his hands search for her breast. His breath smelled slightly of brandy.

For a long time Germán wouldn't insist once it was obvious Alicia was not up for any kind of intimacy with him. Lately, however, he seemed to completely ignore her signs. For years she would blame herself for not being more assertive and setting up her boundaries early on. Why was it so difficult for her to be in her marriage like she was at work: ambitious, fierce, resolute, unforgiving. Perhaps it would have saved both of them, but mostly her, many sleepless and despair-filled nights. She learnt the hard way that the easiest is not always the best way. At that time, it was easiest just to let him get over with it than to put up any sort of resistance.

While at times she did try to have some pleasure, and even succeeded on a few occasions, at that point she didn't even bother to fake orgasms anymore. Germán used to care about foreplay, and to take his time with pleasing her. Even after years of being together he would always look for her eyes as he moved rhythmically inside her, anxious for the change of expression that indicated that she was about to come and that he was free to let his release happen as well. The redhead couldn't tell who stopped caring first. The only thing she wasn't prepared to give up was her after-sex smoke. After her husband rolled over and fell to her side, she dressed herself properly again and reached for the package of cigarettes always ready on her bedside table. Claiming her usual place by the window, she opened it, lit the cigarette firmly secured between her fingers and took a deep drag. Her gaze was fixed on her husband as she slowly blew out the smoke and, once more, wondered where and when they had lost one another.

***

Germán was once again out on a business trip. Years before it would have bothered Alicia that her husband seemed to be away much more often than usual. Now she was even glad for that, that morning in particular. At first she hadn't given much thought to the fact that her period was a few days late. It hadn't been very regular in the last months, she had assumed this indicated that she had become pre-menopausal. Nevertheless, as time passed, a sense of foreboding took such a form in her heart that it couldn't be ignored any longer. As she popped into a pharmacy on her way to work, she couldn't avoid the feeling of déjà vu that threatened to get the better of her as she stepped inside. Only last time the circumstances couldn't have been more different. A few years into their marriage, they had been eager to start a family. All the greater each blow had been when, year after year, test after test turned out to be negative.